Tell Me A Joke

[Sunflower]

Life Explained


> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
> years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed .
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
> family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
> twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
> the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
> enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
> entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
> front porch and bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.

[pussnboots]

Dog Wars

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Belgian Tervuren comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Belgian says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"

[Taliesin]

Your mom is so fat that she is overweight!
Your mom is so fat that she died of a heart disease!
Your mom is so fat that she weighs 100 kilograms!

"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Mary"
"Mary who?"
"Er, Mary, your neighbor, remember? I came to borrow some sugar"

"Knock- knock"
"Who's there?"
"The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital."


Why isn't aspirin sold in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.

[motherhubbard]

someone sent this to my husband. it's a little off color


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say... One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

[Virgil]

someone sent this to my husband. it's a little off color


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say... One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

I've seen that before, but it's a good one.

[aBIGsheep]

How do you make an Asian blind? Make him laugh.
How do you make an Asian blind? Cover his eyes with dental floss.
How do you make an Asian blind? Gouge his eyes out.

I'm the only Asian kid in the whole school to fail math. The eight kids sitting around me failed too.

[Guinivere]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: 42

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

[ClaesGefvenberg]

Time for a silly old joke?

Two pieces of string decided to go to the pub for a beer or two. Said and done, but when they got there, the gaffer asked them: - Excuse me gentlemen, but are you a pair of strings? When they said they were he told them: - I'm sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here.

Being unable to persuade him they went for the door where they met a fellow string, and told him about the problem. The newcomer just laughed it off and said: - No fear, he'll serve me. Then he frayed his hair, and went on to tie himself into a knot, before proceeding to the bar.

As expected the gaffer asked: - Excuse me sir, but are you a piece of string?
The string replied: Nope, I am a frayed knot...

/Claes

[Virgil]

Outhouse
> >
>
> Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm.
>
> Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
>
> Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
>
>
>
> So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
>
> The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.."
>
> Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
>
> He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
>
> All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!
>
>
>
> Off goes the first stick of dynamite ... shooting the outhouse into the air.
>
> BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
>
> WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....
>
>
> Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
>
>
> As she pulls up her panties she says...
> "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen.

[papayahed]

Where do smart hot dogs end up?









On honor rolls.

[Midnight_Star]

three Girls were stuck on a island, a black, bernet, and a blond.

the black haed said. "It looks like theres a city about twenty miles from her, I'm going to try to see if I can swim ther." She went in the water, after 5 miles she drowed.

Then the bernet said." I wonder if she got there I'd better see if I can swimm out." So she swam 15 miles and drowed.

Then the blond said. " I wonder if they made it? I'd better go swim and see." So the blond went out to swim and after 19 miles she said. " Boy am I tired." So she swam back.

(Now I mean no afence to blonds cause I have blond hair.)

[TheInsomniac]

A joke you want?

Feminism

[ClaesGefvenberg]

There was this funeral... The deceased had been known, or perhaps infamous for her fiery temperament all her life, but no more...

When the service was over, a tremendous thunderstorm broke out. There was thunder and lightning all over the place. Her husband peered upwards, and for the first and last time ever got the last word: - I can hear that she has arrived now...

[papayahed]

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta?






Communist manipesto.

[Nightshade]

that is such a bad joke