Tell Me A Joke

[Virgil]

Chucky the rooster


>An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked,
"Sir,
> > >what's that on your shoulder?"
> > >The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go,
> Chucky
> > >goes."
> > >"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in
the
> > >theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the
> > >bird
> down
> > >his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered
> > >the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
> > >
> > >
> > >The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer
> unzipped
> > >his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
> > >"Marge,"
> > >whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me
> > >is
a
> > >pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his
> pants
> > >and he has his thing
> > >out," whispered Mildred. "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge.
> > >"At our

> > >age we've seen 'em all."
> > >"That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating
> > >my popcorn."

[djy78usa]

Two men are playing a nice round of golf one afternoon. When they reach the 17th green, one of the men notices a funeral procession driving by on a nearby road. He stops, removes his hat, bows his head as the hearse passes, then lines up and sinks his putt.
"Wow, that was pretty nice of you," says the man's friend.
"Well, it was the least I could do," the man replies, "we were married for 25 years."

[Tournesol]

A guy was driving down the highway when he meets a terrible pile-up.
He notices a man walking along the shoulder of the highway, stopping by every car to chat with the drivers.

WHen he gets to his car, the man puts down his window to talk with him.

"What's going on? What's with all the traffic?"

"Dude, they kidnapped the prime minister! They're asking for $10 million ranson, or else they'll pour gasoline on him, and burn him! So we're going around collecting from every car"

"O my gosh, I'll give." the driver said, reaching for his wallet. "So, on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"One gallon."

[Virgil]

All I can say is, it works.

Italian Business School

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates : 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business...

[Nossa]

All I can say is, it works.

Italian Business School

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates : 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business...

That was hilarious!

[Nossa]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then......pointa to you watch and a say, "Times Up"?!

[Nossa]

Marriage after 6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

[Sir Bartholomew]

i don't know about this but here it goes....

a rooster is sitting on top of a pyramid.
it lays an egg.
which side of the pyramid will the egg land?

[Virgil]

Marriage after 6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

I can imagine what the answers would be for 60 years.

Sir Bart, I give up. Which side does it fall?

[papayahed]

Sir Bart, I give up. Which side does it fall?

So roosters lay eggs in your neck of the woods??

[Virgil]

So roosters lay eggs in your neck of the woods??

Silly me. OK. I'm not observant. As to the joke, I rate it a .

[Sir Bartholomew]

yep i know it's corny. roosters don't lay eggs.

[Virgil]

Subject: The Ostrich and the Man
>
>
> A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich. They sit down and the
> waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a
> hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
> $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
> change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, "I'll
> have a hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."
>
> Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes a routine, until late one evening, the two enter again.
>
> "The usual?" asks the waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad,"
> says the man.
>
> "Same for me," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will
> be $12.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
> the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
>
> "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
> out of your pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I
> found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
> wishes.
>
> My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
have
> to put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be
> there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
> as long as you live!"
>
> "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
> money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man replies with a slight frown, "My second wish was for a chick with
> long legs."

[AuntShecky]

Virgil, you'll have to get over here and pick me up. I laughed so hard I fell on the floor. (Wonder why it took so many trips to the restaurant for the waitress to ask the question?)
Anyway, here's another saloon one. True story. A guy walks into a bar and orders a Burt Reynolds. Bartender says, "Huh? A Burt Reynolds? What's that?"

The customer says, "What kind of bartender are you if you don't know what a Burt Reynolds is? You must be stupid! Well, I'll enlighten you. A Burt Reynolds consists of rum and Coca Cola."

"Oh!" the bartender says, "You want a 'Cuba Libre.' "

"No, the customer insists," I want a Burt Reynolds. Why can't I get what I ordered?"

"Okay, Buddy,the customer's always right." the bartender says, and he mixes him the drink. "That will be $4.75."

"Four seventy-five!" the customer yells. "The sign on the wall says 'Cuba Libre--$2.50.' "

"Yep, that's right," the bartender says. " A Cuba Libre costs $2.50. . . .
. . .and a Burt Reynolds cost $4.75."

A guy was driving down the highway when he meets a terrible pile-up.
He notices a man walking along the shoulder of the highway, stopping by every car to chat with the drivers.

WHen he gets to his car, the man puts down his window to talk with him.

"What's going on? What's with all the traffic?"

"Dude, they kidnapped the prime minister! They're asking for $10 million ranson, or else they'll pour gasoline on him, and burn him! So we're going around collecting from every car"

"O my gosh, I'll give." the driver said, reaching for his wallet. "So, on average, how much is everyone giving?"

"One gallon."

Hey, at the rate gas prices are going, the $10 million ransom will be cheaper!

[Virgil]

Virgil, you'll have to get over here and pick me up. I laughed so hard I fell on the floor. (Wonder why it took so many trips to the restaurant for the waitress to ask the question?)

Glad you liked it.