Two middle-aged men are playing a round of golf together. As they reach the 17th green, the men notice a funeral procession in the distance. The first man stops, takes off his hat, and lowers his head as the procession passes. As they resume play, the second man looks at his friend and says:
"Wow, that was damned decent of you Mike!"
"Well, its the least I could do," the man replies. "We were married for 30 years"
Be careful what you wish for.....
A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding
anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table. She said: 'For
being such an exemplary married couple and especially for being so
thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each
a wish.'
'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling
husband'
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary
II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a minute and said: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and
not my Heart. '
'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
me.'
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed. But a wish is a wish.
So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and - Poof! - the husband became 92
years old.
The Moral of the story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember; Fairies are Female.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to
God, breathless, and said, "They're gone!"
'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.
'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'
Do, or do not. There is no try. - Yoda
A striking blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?"
The helpful store clerk responds, "Why, it’s a thermos."
Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk.
So she buys one….
The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her.
Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What’s that shiny thingy?"
She replies with authority, "It’s a thermos."
"Oh," says he, "And what’s it do?"
"Well," says she, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
I'm the patron saint of the denial,
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one
word, it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
"I’ve tasted all the sweetest creams
and danced with daisies in dazed delight;
sunny skies pervade my dreams
and light the dark of earthly scenes..."
I love this thread.
Ok, here's another:
Golf Marriage
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends."
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time."
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Okay I read this on that other forum, I can't stop laughing everytime I read it!
Ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped:
“The cucumber has left the salad.”
“Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.”
“Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.”
“Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.”
“Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!”
“Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.”
“You’ve got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary.”
“You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
“I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?”
I'm the patron saint of the denial,
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal.
Originally Posted by Nossa
Alright Nossa, that's pretty funny. So i sat and thought up some more:
Are you an undercover cop? Your pistol is peeking.
You know richard is looking out the window.
I guess the carpenter is looking for some more wood.
Has the telescope focused on the moon yet?
It must be pretty hot out, your dog is panting.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Nossa and Virgil: very funny
your posts remind me of the thread "between my legs"
What Are You Crazy!!!
Alright Nossa, that's pretty funny. So i sat and thought up some more:
Are you an undercover cop? Your pistol is peeking.
You know richard is looking out the window.
I guess the carpenter is looking for some more wood.
Has the telescope focused on the moon yet?
It must be pretty hot out, your dog is panting.
I have something that I just digged out of my mail box
Stupid Questions:
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
I'm the patron saint of the denial,
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal.
The school bell rang just as little Johnny started eating a Popsicle, and since he didn't want to waste it, he stuck it in his pants pocket.
In the classroom the teacher asked little Vicky what they called people who lived at the North Pole. She said, "Eskimos."
Then teacher asked little Teresa what they called people who live in Mexico. She said, "Mexicans."
The teacher asked Little Johnny what they called people who live in Europe, and Johnny said, "I don't know."
Then super-smart little Mary behind Frankie said, "European."
Little Johnny's face turned read and he screamed, "I AM NOT! My Popsicle is melting!"
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
"You all have obsessions," the therapist observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
I'm the patron saint of the denial,
With an angel face and a taste for suicidal.
It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds. But two. The captain and his first mate. The captain was telling his first mate a story. He began: 'It was a dark and stormy night, and all the crew were in their beds!'
Haha, it soooo gets kids ready for a big epic story! AND BOOM! IT'S A RECURRING CYCLE!
Ahh, the hilarity of it.
Currently Reading:
The Marriage Plot - Jeffrey Eugenides
Neon Genesis Evangelion: Volume 1 - Yoshiyuki Sadamoto
Song for Night - Chris Abani
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was! He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick, "said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.
"I’ve tasted all the sweetest creams
and danced with daisies in dazed delight;
sunny skies pervade my dreams
and light the dark of earthly scenes..."
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