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Thread: stay with me

  1. 11-03-2007, 06:33 PM #1
    Pretty^Athens
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    Smile stay with me

    hi all, this is my first post here.. hope you'll like my poem and please please please review it for me!

    Stay with me
    I want you by my side…
    Let's watch the snow together…
    And sing among with the angels above…
    Tell me a story…
    A love story
    About a princess locked in a high tower
    Guarded by the wild dragon
    And about prince charming
    Who risked his life to save her…

    I want you to be my prince charming
    To visit me every sunset…
    To promise that you'll always be there for me…
    And I want to be your princess…
    I want to be locked in your heart…
    I want to live in your dreams…
    And you to live in mine…

    Now kiss me good night
    And hold me tight…
    I'm safe when I'm in your arms….
    Last edited by Pretty^Athens; 11-30-2007 at 04:28 AM.
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  2. 11-03-2007, 06:43 PM #2
    Virgil
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    Welcome to lit net Pretty A. Nice poem. I iked your first stanza better. It seemed more original and imaginative.
    LET THERE BE LIGHT

    "Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena

    My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
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  3. 11-03-2007, 07:48 PM #3
    symphony
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    That very sweet. I agree with Virge on the first stanza, it sounds better than the second.
    And welcome!
    .
    ...the smell of flowers through metal labyrinths.
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  4. 11-04-2007, 12:47 AM #4
    stormy sky
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    It's very pretty,
    something that all of us would want as a reality.
    welcome to lit net.
    Absence is such a transparent house
    that even being dead I will see you there,
    and if you suffer, Love, I'll die a second time.
    -Pablo Neruda
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  5. 11-05-2007, 05:07 AM #5
    Pretty^Athens
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    hey all, thanks for your reviews. i kinda want to understand what can i do to improve the second section?
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  6. 11-05-2007, 08:28 AM #6
    ampoule
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    I am a fly-by-night poet, a flash-in-the-pan and not a critic, but, I would not have separated any of it with asterisks. I read your poem aloud as if I were with my lover, dreamily looking into the night and telling him what I wanted from him, and, of course, he is right there hanging on every word.
    I like it.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor
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  7. 11-05-2007, 02:18 PM #7
    Pretty^Athens
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    thanx for your reply... i was very pleased to read what you think of my oem.. it mesa me blush!
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  8. 11-07-2007, 05:40 PM #8
    Zelly
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    Quote Originally Posted by Janan
    I want to be locked in your heart…
    I want to live in your dreams…
    I really like those two lines in particular. I agree about the first stanza though, very sincere. The second stanza.. I don't want to say it seems forced exactly, but I think it's less natural. Good job though. =)
    "Everytime I look in your eyes, everyday I'm watching you die."
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  9. 11-07-2007, 07:43 PM #9
    symphony
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    i kinda want to understand what can i do to improve the second section?
    Well actually i think its very hard not to sound banal when its love u're writing about. There's hardly anything left for anyone to write about! Seeing it that way, i dont think the 2nd stanza adds much originality to the poem. On the other hand though, if somebody's writing a love poem just because they want to jot down their feelings in paper, i guess there's no stopping them, lovers' license.
    .
    ...the smell of flowers through metal labyrinths.
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  10. 11-08-2007, 02:42 PM #10
    Pretty^Athens
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    Quote Originally Posted by symphony View Post
    Well actually i think its very hard not to sound banal when its love u're writing about. There's hardly anything left for anyone to write about! Seeing it that way, i dont think the 2nd stanza adds much originality to the poem. On the other hand though, if somebody's writing a love poem just because they want to jot down their feelings in paper, i guess there's no stopping them, lovers' license.
    thanks for the explanation .
    well you're right, translating your feelings to the paper is a bet limiting... i like my work though!
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  11. 11-08-2007, 03:05 PM #11
    symphony
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    dont we all?
    .
    ...the smell of flowers through metal labyrinths.
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  12. 11-08-2007, 03:44 PM #12
    Pretty^Athens
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    Quote Originally Posted by symphony View Post
    dont we all?
    yeah true...
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