Tell Me A Joke

[ESHQUIA]

OK, I wanna start a jokes thread... so I did. Tell a joke here and make us laugh.

OK, here is my first one:

Mother says to daughter: If a boy is getting to frisky, just stop and ask "What will we call the baby?"
That's a good idea the girl thinks, so she tries it out.

One day she is making out with a boy and things start to get a little overheated. She stops and says "What are we gonna call the baby?" and the boy bails.

Great she thinks, this works well.
She keeps using this line for a few years till she gets to the point where she is wanting things to go 'too far' herself.

She is making out with her BF on the banks of a fast moving river. Things are getting really racy, he puts on a condom and makes love to her.
When he is done, he takes it off, ties a knot in the end and throws it in the river.

Blissfully dazed and confused, she says 'What will we call the baby?'
He just laughs and says "Babe, if he can get out of that one we'll call him 'Houdini'!"

[Wizard272002]

Blonde Helicopter Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo- helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.
She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

[Granny5]

And that's coming from a blond!
(well, sort of )

[Gadget Girl]

Haha! That's funny!

[Virgil]

I love these word play jokes.

New Vocabulary

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

[symphony]

lol Virgil, i like the first and last one most!

[symphony]

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

[ESHQUIA]

Q. Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A. Definitely not. When you excercise a muscle gets bigger. You should only do sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

A man went into a hardware store. "Do you have any traps?' he asked
" Please hurry, I have a bus to catch". So the man behind the counter replied, "No I'm sorry we dont have traps that large, only small mouse traps.

Q. If I give up smoking, will I Live longer?
A. Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q. At the gym, a guy asked me to 'spot' for him while he did the brench press. What did he mean?
A. 'Spotting' for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health-clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why your going in, you probably aught to re-evaluate your exercise program!!!

Our life if what our thoughts make it!! Oh well, we know what you've been thinking, don't we??

[NikolaiI]

Q. If I give up smoking, will I Live longer?
A. Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Smokers simply know the value of living life to its fullest instead of being obsessed with living longer than anybody.
Joking aside, smoking can be liberating also, as it can be addicting. It's truly only addictive if you believe you can be addicted, if not it does not disturb your liberated state of mind. Smoking is a psychotropic drug, a hard one in fact, based on its addictiveness and the fact you can OD on nicotine, but the choices a person makes override even a brain's predisposition or need for nicotine. The need is just a part of the created reality, and if one behaves as if addicted, then one thinks one is addicted, but if one behaves as if free from desire, they become free from desire in actuality.

[Virgil]

Excuse the potty humor, but I thought this was pretty funny.

Western Tale

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse...

He heard some noise, so he looked down the deep shaft and, low and behold, there was an Indian down the hole.

The cowboy exclaimed, "How long have you been down there?"

The Indian replied, "Many moons."

[LadyW]

This joke is taken from Pulp fiction; everyone thinks it's cheesy but... I always found it really funny.

So theres a Dad tomato, a Mum tomato and a little tomato; they're all walking along in a line. The little tomato starts lagging, and Dad tomato gets angry. He walks over to the little tomato and squishes him! He says "Ketchup!"

[Jane Jane]

Smokers simply know the value of living life to its fullest instead of being obsessed with living longer than anybody.
Joking aside, smoking can be liberating also, as it can be addicting. It's truly only addictive if you believe you can be addicted, if not it does not disturb your liberated state of mind. Smoking is a psychotropic drug, a hard one in fact, based on its addictiveness and the fact you can OD on nicotine, but the choices a person makes override even a brain's predisposition or need for nicotine. The need is just a part of the created reality, and if one behaves as if addicted, then one thinks one is addicted, but if one behaves as if free from desire, they become free from desire in actuality.

I have lost several members of my family, some young, to smoking, so whatever are the facts, it is still a bummer to me.

[Virgil]

I thought this was funny.

origin of human race?

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.

[mercy_mankind]

I thought this was funny.

origin of human race?

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side.

I can not stop laughing .
Thank you Virgil

[Virgil]

I can not stop laughing .
Thank you Virgil

You're welcome, Mercy.