Tell Me A Joke

[Pendragon]

A well-known woman was having a clandestine affair while her husband was away on trips. One day he came home unexpected, and the man was forced to hide in the closet. The woman’s seven year old slipped in after him.

“Oooo! It’s dark in here!” The little boy complained.

“Shhh! Kid you’ll get used to it.” The sweating cheat whispered. “Be still or your dad will catch me!”

“Well, how’d you like to buy this fishing rod?” The boy asked. “Only $50.”

“FIFTY…un, yeah, here, kid. Just be quiet.”

About two weeks later the same thing happened. As the two crouched in the closet, the little boy said, “Ooooo! It’s dark in here.”

“What are you going to blackmail me with this time?” the man sighed.

“Pocketknife. $50.”

The little boy’s dad came home that weekend and wanted to go fishing.

“Can’t dad. I sold my fishing pole.”

“Really? What did you get for that old Zebco?”

“$50.”

“Right. Hey, hand me your knife, I need to cut this rope off.”

“I sold it for $50, too.”

The dad grew very angry. “What does that woman teach you anyhow? I won’t stand for a kid that tells such outlandish lies. Get in the car.”

The two drove down to the local Catholic Church. “Now, You march right into that confessional and get yourself an absolution!”

The boy entered the confessional. “Oooo! It’s dark in here!”

The Priest growled. “Oh, no, not you again!”

[motherhubbard]

Two snowmen were talking and one snowman said to the other
**sniff sniff**
"Do you smell carrots?"

[hockeychick8792]

There was plane that was about to crash into the side of a cliff. 4 people were on board: the pilot, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boyscout. The problem was there were only 3 parachutes. SO the pilot said "I have 9 little kids I have to jump" so he did. Then the smartest man in the world said "So many people will benifit from my experiments I have to go." and so he did. The the priest turned to the boyscout and said. "My son I have lived a long life of worship, and I am ready to meet my maker. So you go." The boy scout then said. "Don't worry we will both live" with a puzzled look on the priest face teh boy scout said. " the smartest man in the world jump out with my nap-sack not the parachute."

[Pendragon]

I tell these jokes to remind us that even those of us that preach must live what we preach or we need to shut up.

A certain vicar in a small remote village did most of his visitations on a bicycle. On one Sunday, he discovered it missing, and annouced to the Sexton that the church would hear a blazing sermon on the 10 commandments that would make the thief squirm. However, when the Vicar took the pulpit, his text was on 1Cor.10:12 "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." After the sermon the Sexton asked the Vicar why he had changed his mind.

"Oh that. Well, I was going over the commandments and when I came to "thou shalt not commit adultery" I happened to recall where I left my bicycle. Mea culpa."

[Shurtugal]

there was this blonde hair girl who was pulled over by this strange guy. he told her to get out of the car as she did he drew a circle around her and told her she couldn't go out of circle, or else. then the man took his bat that he had been holding and started to beat up the blonde's car.
after a couple of hits the blonde started to laugh. confussed, the guy started to hit the car more agressevly. but the blonde still kept on laughing, infact she was on the floor laughing. the guy broke all the windows on the car and went all the more agressive. now the blonde was crying with laughter.
"why are you laughing?!" demanded the guy after seeing that nothing would stop the girl from laughing.
"while you were smashing the car," she began, " i stepped out of the circle."

[Bakiryu]

A policeman was standing on a corner when a young woman comes to him in hysterics screaming.
"Miss, what happened?" he asks.
She starts explaining how some guy just grabbed her and kissed her on the middle of the street.
The policeman, furious asks "What did this pervert look like?"
The woman blushes and says "I don't know"
The policeman, boiling mad, wonders "How could you not know!?"
And to this she replies "It's just mr.policeman, I always close my eyes when somebody kisses me!"

(this un-funny joke was translated from spanish by me. it sucks. i know.)

[Granny5]

there was this blonde hair girl who was pulled over by this strange guy. he told her to get out of the car as she did he drew a circle around her and told her she couldn't go out of circle, or else. then the man took his bat that he had been holding and started to beat up the blonde's car.
after a couple of hits the blonde started to laugh. confussed, the guy started to hit the car more agressevly. but the blonde still kept on laughing, infact she was on the floor laughing. the guy broke all the windows on the car and went all the more agressive. now the blonde was crying with laughter.
"why are you laughing?!" demanded the guy after seeing that nothing would stop the girl from laughing.
"while you were smashing the car," she began, " i stepped out of the circle."

Hey, Shurtugal, I'm a blond and I want to tell you about what I think about blond jokes. One time I was driving down a country road and I saw a another blond out in the middle of a field rowing a boat. There wasn't any water for miles around but she was really trying to row that stupid boat. I stopped my car, got out and yelled, "Hey you blond, you are the kind of blond that gives us all a bad name. I can't believe you're so stupid! If I could swim, I'm come out there and slap you!"

[AuntShecky]

This is for those who are embarrassed by mistakes in grammar and usage:

A man dies, goes to Heaven, and knocks on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
"It's me, Bro!" the man answers. St. Peter opens the gates and lets the man in.

Another candidate arrives and he also knocks on the Pearly
Gates. Again, St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
The answer: "Yo, Dude! It's me!" Again, St. Peter grants
the soul admittance.

Finally, a woman arrives and gives the Pearly Gates a genteel tap. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
And she answers softly, "It is I, Lord."
Then St. Peter slaps his forehead and exclaims,
"Damn! Another English teacher!"

Auntie

[Pendragon]

A large, big-name, rather pompous preacher showed up at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter yawned as he asked, "Name?"

"Everybody knows me! I have preached the gospel world-wide! I am The Right Reverand Mr. ______."

"That's worth about 3 points, Rev." Saint Peter replied.

"THREE! I founded an entire Bible Collage that trains hundreds of Ministers every year! My church alone seated 4,000!"

"Wonderful. Four more points." Saint Peter said. "You gotta do better than that."

"The way things are going the only way I'm going to get in is by the Grace of God!" Shouted the angry Reverand ________.

Saint Peter smiled, as the door clicked open. "You could have said that in the first place..."

[Bakiryu]

Church Bulletin Bombs

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

6. Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

8. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

11. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

12. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

13. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

14. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

17. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

18. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

19. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

28. The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

29. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

30. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

31. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

32. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

33. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

34. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

35. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

36. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

37. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

38. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

39. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

40. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

41. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

42. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

43. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

44. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

45. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

46. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

47. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

48. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

[Bakiryu]

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

(Don't try this at home...)

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)



Science and God

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"


Bible Riddles

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A: Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A: Ruth-less.

Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A: Samson; he brought the house down.

Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?

A: They were really put out.

Q: What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A: They really raised Cain.

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q: How long did Cain hate his brother?

A: As long as he was Abel!

Q: What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?

A: So long Fellers!

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?

A: They used floodlights.

Q: After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?

A: 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

Q: Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?

A: When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?

A: David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A: The thought had never entered his head before?

Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?

A: No, he already fell for it once.

Q: Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?

A: Because it was Paul's bottle.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?

A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Why won't we drink milk in the new world?

A: Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

Q: Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?

A: At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."

Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?

A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?

A: Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A: The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

Q: How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?

A: Because Job16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q: Will there be dogs in the new system?

A: No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

Q: Who was the straightest man in the bible?

A: Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

Q: Which Christian magazine did the apostle Paul command to never throw away?

A: Ephesians 5:18 says to "keep Awake"

[Bakiryu]

If College Students Wrote the Bible

1. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

2. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.

3. New Edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

5. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to "[email protected]"

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

9. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 year: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.



Favorite Songs of Biblical Characters
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"


Good Dog

This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Christian dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Report from the Pastoral Search Committee (PSC/PNC)

We do not have a happy report to give. We've not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we've followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references.
The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy nude walking in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier ministry over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he was a "peeping Tom" and had and affair with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression -- collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people -- might fit in better in a poor congregation.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO-type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

Timothy: Too young.

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and his church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

I'm having fun with this!

[greenlake]

there was this bernet,black, and green haird girls at a bar. the bar tender asked the green haird girl "where did you get your hair done at?" the green haird girl told the bar tender while wipeing her nose"its all naturall."

[Shalot]

This is for those who are embarrassed by mistakes in grammar and usage:

A man dies, goes to Heaven, and knocks on the Pearly Gates. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
"It's me, Bro!" the man answers. St. Peter opens the gates and lets the man in.

Another candidate arrives and he also knocks on the Pearly
Gates. Again, St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
The answer: "Yo, Dude! It's me!" Again, St. Peter grants
the soul admittance.

Finally, a woman arrives and gives the Pearly Gates a genteel tap. St. Peter calls, "Who is it?"
And she answers softly, "It is I, Lord."
Then St. Peter slaps his forehead and exclaims,
"Damn! Another English teacher!"

Auntie

I don't have a joke but the whole "It is I Lord" reminds me of a hymn I sang at Catholic school. I think it was called, Here I Am, Lord.

Anyway, I just thought of a joke (warning: it is lame):

Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

[BulletproofDork]

Church Bulletin Bombs

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

6. Thursday at 5.00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the pastor in his study.

7. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

8. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

9. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

10. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

11. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

12. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

13. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

14. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. John Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

15. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespear's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

16. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

17. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

18. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

19. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Peter's Catholic Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

22. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

24. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

26. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

27. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

28. The new pastor unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

29. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

30. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

31. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

32. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

33. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

34. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

35. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

36. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

37. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

38. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

39. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

40. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

41. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

42. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

43. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

44. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

45. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

46. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

47. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

48. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! It made me ROFL.

Now I've got to show it to everyone I know.