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Thread: Form Poem Contest

  1. #136
    in angulo cum libro Petrarch's Love's Avatar
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    It being the day after the deadline (sorry Ampoule, hope you enter the next round, or if you've already written something, share it with us anyway ) I've chosen a winner, but first some comments for everyone:

    Nick Adams—As I said before, your poem doesn’t quite follow the rules of the form in the order of the repeated end words for each stanza, but this is a minor thing. Overall I liked the haiku-like simplicity of this poem and the nature theme. You also used the repetition to good effect with sparse, short lines, and I like the way you actually repeat whole lines across the first three stanzas.

    Pen—You did a lovely job with this form, and I like the way you used the fourth stanza to make a turn from thoughts of despair to a prayer for comfort. I was actually quite moved by this poem. You’ve used the repetition well to underline the emotion of how tears, pain, loneliness and despair can wear a person down, and I liked the last line—the simple act of someone holding your hand to bring an end to the loneliness.

    Bii—You were the first to take on the challenge of rhyming your end words as well as repeating them, and it turned out great. You have some really excellent lines in this poem, including the opening line, “I fall awake from chemical dreams.” That’s the type of line that will stick in people’s heads.

    SteveH—You were the trend setter of the crowd who elaborated on the original form by adding a neat little envoy, which I see was much mimicked by those who followed. Your poem brought a smile and warmed the heart of a fellow lover of celebrated ales and stouts. Though I’ll confess that your accompanying picture brought on a wistful sigh that Old Tom is not more readily available in these United States.

    Autolycus—This is an interesting outing, and I like the way your language falls together. This poem evokes some fascinating images and there’s a definite feeling to it about progress and technology and the way it is influencing our present and future. I have to confess, though, that I did find the poem very ambiguous, that is I couldn’t tell if there was some particular subject you were addressing. For example, the “he” of the first line “In the great house He lies dreaming” I interpreted in many diverse ways, including a person awaiting a cure for a disease, a person in a cryogenic state, an inventor dreaming of a chemical cure, a chemical itself of some kind. This ambiguity is not, of course, necessarily a bad thing and is thought provoking in and of itself, unless you did have something specific in mind that you strongly wanted to convey to the reader.

    Symphony—A romantic outpouring of images and song! I like the unabashed romantic theme of this poem, and you have some nice lines. For example, I liked the imagery from the second line: “restless lips, skipping beats, candid romance.” The one thing I would comment on is your archaic diction. I would cut out words like “ ‘Twas,” “whilst” and “’tis” in a poem like this because I think they tend to put this already very romanticized poem over the top. This is, of course, one person’s opnion though, and overall I enjoyed reading the submission.

    silent x—This is a strong poem with a great use of the rhyme and some neat imagery. I like the idea of God as drummer in a rock band—it’s a great contemporary metaphor for thunder—and I enjoyed the final two lines With the sun glowing red in breaks apart and dies/Throwing its solar debris over our unprotected land.” The only thing I might have changed about this poem is to give the lines a more regular meter, since I think a driving beat throughout, along with the rhyme would have really made it a tight poem. Somehow I can picture this as the lyrics to a rock song with a sensational music video to accompany it.


    The choice was difficult among all these talented submissions, but I’ve decided to award the victory to Bii for “Chemical Dreams.” That first line really grabbed me, and the rest followed through beautifully. Congratulations, Bii, and we all look forward to seeing what form you choose next.

    "In rime sparse il suono/ di quei sospiri ond' io nudriva 'l core/ in sul mio primo giovenile errore"~ Francesco Petrarca
    "Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies do divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can."~ Jane Austen

  2. #137
    wanderer autolycus's Avatar
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    *grin* thank you Petrarch's Love, although I didn't win, I managed to convey to you almost every single meaning that I wanted to convey. Although I must admit the Cthulhu reference was the one I liked best. The ambiguity was most deliberate, it took a lot of effort, but for some reason, I am truly glad I didn't win... the Elder Gods might have risen from the depths. ;-)

    And congratulations to Bii, who inspired my own poem with that delectable title!
    se non e vero, e molto ben'trovato

  3. #138
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Smile

    Way to go, B!

    Pen
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  4. #139
    CONGRATS Bii i read the other submissions just now and i loved ur poem, it has this amazing unusual aura about it! Beautiful!
    Looking forward to the form u come up with. Congrats again .
    .
    ...the smell of flowers through metal labyrinths.

  5. #140
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    Ooh! Thanks Petrarch & thanks to everyone for the kind comments (I'm feeling very happy now!)

    I think my favourite poetic form is the nonnet so I think I'll choose this for the next form, mainly because once you've written one you want to write lots and lots of them, and they look nice too!

    The nonnet is a nine line poem with a reducing syllable count. Each line has a syllable count as follows:

    Line 1 : 9 syllables
    Line 2 : 8 syllables
    Line 3 : 7 syllables
    Line 4 : 6 syllables
    Line 5 : 5 syllables
    Line 6 : 4 syllables
    Line 7 : 3 syllables
    Line 8 : 2 syllables
    Line 9 : 1 syllable

    The following is my example of a nonnet:

    Standing at the edge of the water
    conscious only of sensations;
    bare feet licked by dog-like waves,
    the freshness of sea spray
    on my skin.The warm
    salt taste on my
    mouth reminds
    me of
    you.

    Which is not great, but should give you the general idea.

    Deadline for entries is 10th August so get writing!

  6. #141
    Registered User the silent x's Avatar
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    congrats bii,

    petrarch,
    i was trying to get a beat to it but was having trouble making my vocabulary fit into the rhyme scheme
    life philosophy: "if one wants to succeed, they must become independent, if one wants to be independent, one must strive past the dificulties, using them to shape future desicions, like a sword being folded, every fold is a hardship overcome, and every fold removes one more imperfection that would destroy the completed version"

    # of 1st Dans, Black Belts achieved- 2 (1 Hapkido, Sun Moo Kwan), (1 Tae Kwon Do)

  7. #142
    Ruadh gu brath ampoule's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Petrarch's Love View Post
    It being the day after the deadline (sorry Ampoule, hope you enter the next round, or if you've already written something, share it with us anyway )
    How sweet of you. I should have come back and told you I just couldn't do it. I will certainly try another time.

    I would love to see you all come and write a poem for the 'and the word is' thread.
    Now, to go back and read your comments and what the next form will be.
    I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.

    "If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor

  8. #143
    Left 4evr Adolescent09's Avatar
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    Smile

    Prenatal anger is birthed in me
    and tears my threshold of kindness;
    it spits it up and shears out
    A worn deflating lump.
    This lump of my heart
    soon flattens quick,
    Till there is
    Nothing
    Left
    Last edited by Adolescent09; 07-09-2007 at 06:20 PM.
    My hide hides the heart inside

  9. #144
    Not politically correct Pendragon's Avatar
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    Smile

    I hope I counted correctly, B. A nice form.

    Excalibur

    Vanishing slowly into the mist,
    The arm and the sword sank from sight—
    The Lady of the Lake reclaims
    The blade lent to Arthur,
    Excalibur home—
    “What saw ye now?”
    “A hand rose.”
    “True knight!”
    “Peace…”

    Pendragon
    © 7/10/07
    Last edited by Pendragon; 07-16-2007 at 06:54 PM.
    Some of us laugh
    Some of us cry
    Some of us smoke
    Some of us lie
    But it's all just the way
    that we cope with our lives...

  10. #145
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Today is National Clerihew Day

    Today (July 10) is National Clerihew Day[/SIZE]

    This is a humorous, "pseudo-biographical" quatrain consisting of 2 rhyming couplets . The form was invented
    by Edmund Clerihew Bentley who came up with the idea
    as a young lad when he was trying to do his homework. The name of the subject, usually a celebrity, appears at the end of Line One. (So you're more likely to find a Clerihew about someone whose name is easy to rhyme,
    like Donald Trump or Condoleeza Rice say, as opposed to
    David Ignatow or Zbignew Bzrzenski.)

    To honor Mr. Bentley, it would be appropriate if the Forum's
    participants posted a Clerihew. (I'd post one myself, but
    is the rule only one poem a day? I will post my All Star
    Baseball poem presently.)

  11. #146
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Clerihew, continued

    That's
    "Brzezinski."

  12. #147
    Inexplicably Undiscovered
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    Baseball poem

    Baseball purists will ignore the All Star Game tonight, no doubt.But writers have an affinity with the Grand Old Game. Remember Marianne Moore? "Writing is exciting/
    and baseball is like writing. / You can never tell with either/
    how it will go
    or what you will do. . ."
    Here's my baseball poem:

    Rewind

    Inside the park home run!
    Safe!
    Home plate ump outstretches his arms.
    too late.
    Delivery to the catcher
    runner slides-------------
    who fires it home
    cut off by the second baseman
    the throw
    the sprint from third
    base coach waves ‘im in
    finally retrieved by the center fielder
    the ball ricochets against the wall
    it’s heading for the corner
    the runner rounding second
    he still can't get it!
    The right-fielder chases–
    It’s going down the line!
    Wait–it’s rolling–
    Fair ball!
    he busts out of the box
    –-a line towards first --
    and the swing--
    center of the plate--
    the pitcher deals –
    Here’s the wind-up –
    He’s looking for a fastball inside
    Now here’s a guy who’s as good as anybody with a bat
    Two outs
    Nobody on.

  13. #148
    Left 4evr Adolescent09's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pendragon View Post
    I hope I counted correctly, B. A nice form.

    Excalibur

    Vanishing slowly into the mist,
    The arm and the sword sank from sight—
    The Lady of the Lake reclaimed
    The blade lent to Arthur,
    Excalibur home—
    “What saw ye now?”
    “A hand rose.”
    “True knight!”
    “Peace…”

    Pendragon
    © 7/10/07
    Beautiful.. but it's a bit off Pen.. Yours goes 9,8,8,6,5,4,3,2,1
    Just lose one syllable in the third line .
    My hide hides the heart inside

  14. #149
    Registered User
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    Hi AuntShecky and welcome to the forums.

    This thread is a sort of contest for poems in a specific form - the current form is the nonnet and the deadline is 10th August (see my earlier post for details). Other poetry needs to be posted in the "Personal Poetry" section of the site, where more people are likely to pick it up.

  15. #150
    Metamorphosing Pensive's Avatar
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    Wow, there are some really good entries here! Here is a weak first try of mine in this contest.

    She heads towards the railway station
    eager to meet her darling son
    the feeling of happiness
    not leaving her until-
    the stormy last train
    she waited for
    approaches
    without
    him.
    Last edited by Pensive; 07-11-2007 at 12:30 AM.
    I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew.

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