Revels before Lent

[SleepyWitch]

Also, I still find the way you layout dialogue as awkward. There are standard ways to do that.

yep, I know. i've just been to lazy to space out the dialogue so far. that's the least of my worries I'll do it one of these days. as long as the dialogue doesn't sound unnatural, I'm happy

[Countess]

Well, here are my thoughts:

Praise:

I like how you tied the "comingling of lives" in the opening with the "delimma of stratification" at the end.

"Their faces were illuminated eerily in the orange light from the street lamps."
For reasons completely obvious to anyone who has opened Bastat, I adore this sentence. Very ghoulish.(-:

"She had on those tights...the ones that make your legs look like big, fat weiner sausages!" - LMAO! I've thought the exact same thing, except I compared them to dinosaur legs.

I love Roland. He and Jules would get along wonderfully well.

I really identify with Julia - she is a compelling character, an introverted philosopher with a passion for literature. If she were real, I would befriend her in a heart-beat.

I liked the irony of making "The whore" "an angel".

I loved the ending most of all, though - a sort of exploration of Maslowe's heirarchy of needs. That's the fundamental problem: people stuck on Rung 1 survive. They don't actually live; every moment is consumed with acquiring food/resources and protection, like the neanderthals. When they have surrendered to the inevitability of death, when they ask themselves "why do I fight so hard so I can take my next breath to fight so hard?" they die - some by addictions, some by gangs, some by suicide.

People who have resources can afford to live, to develop emotional connections and community, even to self-actualize. Strangely enough, however, many people don't, especially here in America. Most of the rich remain on Rung 1, obsessed with the acquisition of wealth and materialism, the luxury of greed. There is no "self" beneath the "mask", so the mask is the self. They really *are* that superficial.

Then there are weirdos like me stuck on Rung 1 because their aim is self-actualization, and pragmatism is sacrificed at the expense of authenticity and consistency with the self and with God.

And here's a rhetorical question: instead of the aristocratic Julia saving the poverty-stricken boy, wouldn't it have been even more amazing if the reverse had actually happened?

Suggestions:

I like the philosophical musings on page 8 but the shift from being inside Julia's mind to narrative style is awkward. Add a "she mused to herself" or something to keep the flow in synch. The paragraph I'm refering to states: "It was the kind of weather..."

The dialogue needs to be clearly separated so the reader knows which character is speaking.

There may be "too many Aunts with penchants for purple-feathered hats" in the beginning but then my reading preference appears to be grossly different than current standards. Roland entertained me but it wasn't until Julia developed some depth that I became engrossed, and that occured when you introduced Bernhard - those two characters evolved one another, much like Ana and Jules.

You can circumvent this problem - if you deem it one - by introducing some insight in the first scene, with the injured boy. Don't make it only a matter of physical death, but a spiritual one as well. Julia has the capacity to think both ways at the same time - to attend to the boy's physical needs while simultaneously processing the thought that here lies a human being - only a boy, small and frail - who might die without anyone ever really knowing or caring.

Give her depth there and it will string you over until you introduce Bernhard.

PS: Do you have a thing for old guys? (-:

[SleepyWitch]

wow, thanks for your feedback. glad you liked the story

You can circumvent this problem - if you deem it one - by introducing some insight in the first scene, with the injured boy. Don't make it only a matter of physical death, but a spiritual one as well. Julia has the capacity to think both ways at the same time - to attend to the boy's physical needs while simultaneously processing the thought that here lies a human being - only a boy, small and frail - who might die without anyone ever really knowing or caring.

Give her depth there and it will string you over until you introduce Bernhard.

that's a very good idea I'll keep it at the back of my mind and wait till i can come up with something.

PS: Do you have a thing for old guys? (-:

nothing wrong with old guys
but i swear Bernhard isn't based on any one from RL, he's entirely fictional (his character, his appearance, his way of life) and so is Julia... --> that's why I'm kinda proud of this story even though it's far from perfect

[Countess]

PS: I've PMed you privately Sleepywitch. Check it. (-:

[kathycf]

Sleepy, I think you are going to have to change your signature to take out the reference to "stupid" about your story. It is a fine story, but I did have a few issues with it.

1.) Why is the aunt referred to as a "whore"? I get that she and the protagonist are distantly related, and that obviously there is bad blood between the aunt and Julia' s mother. It just seems odd that Julia seems to buy into that (having thoughts about her aunt running off to speak to somebody from her tennis club during the Carnival.), and yet by her own admission Julia hasn't seen her aunt since she was five. It struck me as odd. Surely momentarily abandoning one's husband and guest by taking off and running over to speak to a man doesn't make one a whore?

There is an allusion to the aunt being out late one night, but again, that seems pretty thin to slap such a pejorative term on someone.

2.) You say there is an implication that there was sexual intimacy shared between Bernhard and Julia. It is extremely subtle, as I would not have recognized it as such if I had not previously read through this thread. The subtlety is not the problem, I just find it hard to understand the motivation for such an act. In order for me to feel sympathy towards Bernhard, I am going to need some understanding of why a married father of two is going to sleep with (to use a more old fashioned term "commit adultery with") a guest under his and his wife's roof. In order for me to empathize with Julia I am going to have to understand how she can justify sleeping with her aunt's husband after somewhat judging her aunt as a "whore".

This last bit is much more pickyune of me. I am assuming that Roland and Julia are of the same age...and Julia is 30 and Roland is mentioned twice as taking Ritalin, which is classified as an amphetamine. Such a drug is prescribed to hyperactive children. In adults Ritalin acts as a stimulant. It calms hyperactivity in the young because of their somewhat different body chemistry opposed to adults.



I don't know why I bring it up, it is just something that seemed odd to me. All in all I must say I enjoyed your story. This is why I suggest to you taking out the "stupid" part in your sig, because I think this is a work to be proud of.

[optimisticnad]

Hi sleepy (how i feel!) witch

I think this has potential. Honestly. You've made a few small grammar and syntax errors and i think it needs redrafting. I like the way you've included different forms of modern communication, emails, PMs etc.

I'm afraid I cant think of anything specific to say, it did make me laugh sometimes. But overall, there was something missing. I think maybe you need to work on your characters a little, Julia? Make them...stronger?

Re-draft it. Cut back and tone it a little and it;ll be better.

night.

[SleepyWitch]

Sleepy, I think you are going to have to change your signature to take out the reference to "stupid" about your story. It is a fine story, but I did have a few issues with it.

1.) Why is the aunt referred to as a "whore"? I get that she and the protagonist are distantly related, and that obviously there is bad blood between the aunt and Julia' s mother. It just seems odd that Julia seems to buy into that (having thoughts about her aunt running off to speak to somebody from her tennis club during the Carnival.), and yet by her own admission Julia hasn't seen her aunt since she was five. It struck me as odd. Surely momentarily abandoning one's husband and guest by taking off and running over to speak to a man doesn't make one a whore?

There is an allusion to the aunt being out late one night, but again, that seems pretty thin to slap such a pejorative term on someone.
...........

This last bit is much more pickyune of me. I am assuming that Roland and Julia are of the same age...and Julia is 30 and Roland is mentioned twice as taking Ritalin, which is classified as an amphetamine. Such a drug is prescribed to hyperactive children. In adults Ritalin acts as a stimulant. It calms hyperactivity in the young because of their somewhat different body chemistry opposed to adults.



I don't know why I bring it up, it is just something that seemed odd to me. All in all I must say I enjoyed your story. This is why I suggest to you taking out the "stupid" part in your sig, because I think this is a work to be proud of.

thanks for the info about Ritalin.... i had a hyperactive friend once who had to take medicine... i assumed it was Ritalin.. didn't know it's something different for adults.

2.) You say there is an implication that there was sexual intimacy shared between Bernhard and Julia. It is extremely subtle, as I would not have recognized it as such if I had not previously read through this thread. The subtlety is not the problem, I just find it hard to understand the motivation for such an act. In order for me to feel sympathy towards Bernhard, I am going to need some understanding of why a married father of two is going to sleep with (to use a more old fashioned term "commit adultery with") a guest under his and his wife's roof. In order for me to empathize with Julia I am going to have to understand how she can justify sleeping with her aunt's husband after somewhat judging her aunt as a "whore".

that's exactly where the irony is. Julia exempts herself from the judgment she passes on her aunt. it's ironic that she rants on about "the good, the true and the beautiful" and the goes 'whoring' around just like anybody else....

thanks for your feedback

[MAXIM]

Dear Sleepy-eyed witch

I have read your story first-to-last and my observations are as under:
Some questions are left hanging in a reader’s mind like:
1. The relationship between Julia and her mother depicted during their phone talk. ("Yes, the hotel is great...".. ; "The 'whore'? She lives here? I thought she lives in Leverkusen.... No, why would I want to meet her?....: "I am your mother! That's what consanguineous means" her mother's voice shrieked out of the phone…..; "You stick your nose in your American textbooks so much, you have forgotten what it means to be human. Don't you dare give me any of your cheek, Frau Doktor!" the voice screamed on.) It seems that Julia lied to her mother that she is staying in hotel instead with her aunt irmgard. Mother-daughter relationship- good or bad or casual is not clearly explained and a reader feels in dark. More so, because Julia has a strong character, someone who is disciplined, conscientious, successful and wanting to improve the world. Later you also write that whether Uncle Berhard heard about the tennis guy, which means on one hand Julia is telling her mother she did not stay with her aunt and also telling her mom that her aunt has some connection with a tennis chap
2. The relationship between Julia and Uncle Berhard: Attraction arose between them- a dull person and a pretty woman of 30, suddenly indicating that dull person is not after all completely dull. But I am not sure whether, anything happened between them just prior to this para as you have a suggestive sentence ‘but she was still glowing with warmth’ (Julia woke up. The duvet had slid off the bed and was lying on the floor between the foot of the bed and the window, but she was still glowing with warmth. There was a grating noise and a stark white light outside the window. She sat up, peered out of the window and gathered up the duvet.). What Julia felt exactly about her uncle, you could have conveyed or was it just a passing fancy.
The above two points will help in bringing clarity in the storyline whose ending page is very good.

Apart from these two hanging points, I liked reading the story and learnt something about writing. I enjoyed your description of scenes and I could feel the atmosphere. The character of Julia and her following thoughts remain with me.

It's not the lack of 'social equality' or the problems of 'the underprivileged' that I care about. Yes, these were among the key social issues of our age, but they were just the tip of the iceberg and could only be tackled after its underwater bulk was made visible and destroyed. What was really wrong with the world was that people like those who lived in these tower blocks had nothing to do with people like her.
People lived like little atoms drifting around in space and their lives never touched and if they did, they bounced of each other, failing to form molecules.
( In chemistry we read about the atoms bonding (covalent bonds) to form molecules)

The teenager sat half a metre across from her. They occupied the same slice of space and time, but they might have been members of two different species. And there was nothing she could do about it. For the moment.

[SleepyWitch]

hey Maxim thanks for your feedback
yep, Julia's relationship with her mum isn't great in all respects and she has lied to her mother because she knows here mother wouldn't approve of her staying with Irmgard. but Julia was curious to see her relatives again...

hm... i think i don't want to pigeonhole Julia's attraction to Bernhard. maybe it is just a fleeting infatuation - maybe it's more - maybe it's something in between....
it's definitely not 'true love' as in "let's marry and spend the rest of our lives together" but on the other hand it's a bit more than a random one-night-stand

[sciencefan]

I saw your signature in the Member of the Week thread, so out of curiousity,
I chased down your story.
Please forgive me because I am not a voracious reader.
I read the first 3 pages and the last 3 pages,
and I learned enough about you to say this:
You are a talented writer.
Some people have the talent, and some do not.
You do.

P.S. Could you possibly spend a little more time describing the children at the beginning.
You rifled through them a little too quickly for my ability to keep up.
Too many pronouns, I think.
I thought the quick insight on the woman's part about their clothing was superb.

I liked your conclusions, and I loved the last line.

Please forgive me for not reading the whole thing.
I wish you good success in the future.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks sciencefan
the children are just minor characters, they're not really important.

[sciencefan]

thanks sciencefan
the children are just minor characters, they're not really important.

I suspected that might be the case.

[Mia Marinate]

Hi Virg, fellow scribbler,
My humble advice is to forego as much of the adverbia as you can. Trust your reader to be engaged by that initial action--good, fast stuff that slows down with all the hows of it. Whenever I read reviews of praise, they always notice the spareness of the writing, not the verbiage. Ain't it so? Go Get 'EM!
Cheers, Mia

[RoCKiTcZa]

i wasn't able to read it through and through, i only took a brief browse through it. I think it's nice. I suggest when you write dialogues, though, set aside only one paragraph for one speaker. That will make it easier to read and more professional to look at. Keep writing! Practice makes perfect. I'm an amateur writer, too, and I write very often. Although some of my works turn out rubbish, I just keep going.

[SleepyWitch]

i wasn't able to read it through and through, i only took a brief browse through it. I think it's nice. I suggest when you write dialogues, though, set aside only one paragraph for one speaker. That will make it easier to read and more professional to look at. Keep writing! Practice makes perfect. I'm an amateur writer, too, and I write very often. Although some of my works turn out rubbish, I just keep going.

thanks, Rock.
about the paragraphs: yep I've been meaning to edit them for ages, just haven't got around to it yet.