"Buster's Gift" and "Russ the Provider"

[Jean-Baptiste]

Jon: My stories are posted in my blog also.

Jack: I think this is good advice, though I don't think I've been all that defensive of my writing. There have been many valuable points made about my stories in this thread, and barring that reply to AdW (which was all in fun, and I do regret if I was too harsh) I have made more of an effort to seek expansion on other's criticisms than to discourage them, in an attempt to come to a full realization of the point being made. Listening passively is no helpmate of improvement, just as simple defense is worthless--but rooting out the actual point and addressing it directly I see as entirely beneficial. I certainly hope that Sleepy, Adolescent, and Zanna do not feel as though I've put up a defense by asking that they explain their positions. I appreciate very much their valuable opinions--they are the readers, of course. Of course, I'm puting up a defense for you, but this is not about my writing. You obviously do think that I've been uncommonly defensive of my writing, so I'd appreciate it if you'd select a passage from the thread that exemplifies your stance. I will appologize, as I know that that is not the purpose of peer review.

[JackShea]

"You obviously do think that I've been uncommonly defensive of my writing."

Hello Jean-Baptiste: I do not 'obviously' think anything. Just an observation I use when dealing with criticism. I neither think you are offensive nor defensive in regard to your writing. Merely a suggestion on my part to use or not? And now to read your work...Best regards...Jack

[Jean-Baptiste]

Alright, thanks, Jack.

[Silvia]

well, Giovan-Battista, I think your short story is really GREZZA, as a friend of mine would say, which litteraly means "rough" but is actually untranslatable in the way he intends it....
anyway, in order to reassure you, it has a positive meaning, I believe, since he uses it to stress that he finds something incredibly good!!!
and this is exactly how I feel about Buster's Gift.
I am used to focusing my attention on details(and I'm not saying I'm pedant, it is just something which happens when I read books..) and what I like the most about your style are the repetitions. Of sentences, of verbs, of situations, of questions. I love them when I understand they are put there for some reason by the writer.
They help you get the point and they arouse curiosity.
The other thing I liked is your use of...mmm...I looked it up in the dictionary but I couldn't find the English for "paranomasia"..perhaps it sounds similar...anyway, it's when you put together words which sound or look pretty much the same but have different meanings.
I know these things may seem stupid or maybe you didn't mean them, but they are signs of talent to me!
But I'm leaving out the most important element: the story itself.
It is very complex in the plainness of its subject, in my opinion.
and it's very enjoiable too in the smooth proceeding of the event.
The way you describe Buster's gestures and mental schemes.
The way we get to know him simply through his rolling the pin across the table.
Through the opinion the others have of him.
I think it's wonderful.
silvia

I tried to post this comment in your blog but I couldn't...I still have to get used to the site!

[Jean-Baptiste]

Thank you very much, Silvia! You say such lovely things. I'm glad you liked it! Yes, I am quite a fan of repetition, and tried to incorporate a bit of it into the story. I wonder if you'd be willing to point out an instance of what you're considering paranomasia. I'm pretty sure I know what you mean, but I'd appreciate knowing what you liked about this. I'm glad you thought there was a "smooth proceeding of event." I glad you thought there were events at all. I really am enheartened by your glowing critique. Thank you!

[Silvia]

Edna shakes the measuring cup full of flour over the worn industrial mixer; the flour falls in clumps,

through that thought he endeavors to search out all previous thoughts

Edna, concerned for the consistency of the dough that she’s mixing, shrugs her shoulder,

ok..these are the first things I found!
I'm qite sure they are examples of paranomasia: full of flour, the flour falls; through that thought; shrugs her shoulders......different words that looks or sound pretty much the same!!
Even if, to be completely honest, paranomasia is more when you have the same words, like in Dante's Inferno "ch'i' fui per ritornar più volte volto" where volte means times and volto means turned round...do you know what's the English name for this?
Of course I think there's an event in your story...it's Buster realising he has to stop thinking about anything which is not baseball; it's Buster trying to make his father happy; it's Buster losing.

[Silvia]

Edna shakes the measuring cup full of flour over the worn industrial mixer; the flour falls in clumps,

through that thought he endeavors to search out all previous thoughts

Edna, concerned for the consistency of the dough that she’s mixing, shrugs her shoulder,

ok..these are the first things I found!
I'm qite sure they are examples of paranomasia: full of flour, the flour falls; through that thought; shrugs her shoulders......different words that looks or sound pretty much the same!!
Even if, to be completely honest, paranomasia is more when you have the same words, like in Dante's Inferno "ch'i' fui per ritornar più volte volto" where volte means times and volto means turned round...do you know what's the English name for this?
Of course I think there's an event in your story...it's Buster realising he has to stop thinking about anything which is not baseball; it's Buster trying to make his father happy; it's Buster losing.

[07loneil]

First, let me say, I thought it was unique and interesting. I thought that your way of presenting dialouge was confusing. I would have used the traditional way- quotation marks and letting us know who said it. It is hard to follow the long dialogues. however, you created very real and deep characters. Your stories are kind of hypnotizing. Previous posts have dissaproved of your analytical take on their minds, but I like it! The imagry is great and vivid. i felt like I was there, and like you creatied a world. It was kind of detatched, like someone telling a story. I really got the feel for the setting! It has a nice flow, and lifelike characters. Keep up the good work!

[Jean-Baptiste]

I really appreciate your comments, 07. Thank you! About the dialogue, I was trying to emulate the style of some of the British Modernist writers, like Virginia Woolf and James Joyce, who didn't think it necessary to always specify the speaker, or use quotation marks. I think the spoken phrases ought to be apparent and distinct enough from mere thoughts, and the character speaking should also be apparent. There are a couple of places where I found it necessary, for clarity, to specify which character is speaking, but for the most part the context should make it apparent. I also think this style calls a greater level of concentration to the story, on the part of both the reader and the writer. The writer has to choose statements and forms carefully to make the distinctions apparent, and the reader has to absorb those cues. Of course, there are always instances where there is the possibility that a piece of dialogue could have been uttered by more than one of the characters, such as when there are three or more characters interacting in a scene, and then it needs to be stated which of them is speaking--but for the most part, especially in these stories, there are only two characters in any given scene, and therefore the context should point out the one that is necessarily speaking.
Anyway, I'm glad you like them! Your comments are very encouraging. Again, thank you. And welcome to the forums! I hope to see you around here often.

Silvia: Sorry I haven't replied to your recent comments yet. I've been neglecting the forums too much these days, and only skim through the new posts when I get a chance, so I missed this. I believe this is called alliteration that you're pointing out. I didn't necessarily intend for it to happen--but if you liked it, I'll take full credit. "Buster losing" I like that; that's a very good summation.

[Sir Dovesinn]

about 'Russ the Provider'.
It has something, your story.
I laught once. I read it all.
But the opening dialog is definitly too long. Appears unreal and tiresome. Such a long conversation about daily affairs, without pauses, or anything...
One would stop in a time to breath or smth, light a cigarette, go over something, be distracted of a draft, a fly... , some questions would remain without answer..
This dialog looks like this:
1
2
1
2
1
2
1
2
1
2...
Inr oder to appear real it must have variation.

[Jean-Baptiste]

Thank you, Sir. I appreciate your input. Yes, it does march right along at first. Thanks for the suggestions. I'd go with the lighting of a cigarette, but my characters don't seem to have the habit of smoking. Anyway, thank you for reading my story.

[Adolescent09]

Long dialogue doesn't exactly pose as superficial. Some of the dialogue in The Brother's Karamazov is three pages long and to me is the most blatantly realistic I've ever seen. More often than not many attributes can be identified with a character through dialogue rather than physical and mental description.

Well---perhaps you've construed it differently, but I like lengthy dialogue I thought they were both great Jean.

[Jean-Baptiste]

Thank you, Adolescent! Yes, I agree with your thoughts on dialogue. Thanks for reading both of my stories. That's nice to hear.

[aeroport]

I've just finished reading this story and a few things - or, rather, one thing, in several forms - stand(s) out to me just presently.
Namely that, for a ten-page, double-spaced Word document (what might be called a "sketch"), you've inserted a good deal of subtlety. I've not gone through and analyzed every little thing for some larger significance, so perhaps I'm missing some things still, but there are some very telling lines in this piece.
It is clear that Buster and Edna hold two distinct types of intelligence - i.e., the presence of it and the absence of it, respectively. I mean to say, Edna is essentially incapable of making her own judgments: she repeatedly refers to what Buster's father says - she cannot even say, for herself, that she knows he has talent. She "convinces herself" based on the mere fact that he is not concentrating on his school work, and because she knows his father thinks so. This is made quite clear earlier with her line about blasphemy - there we have dependence on another source for judgments.
Buster, meanwhile, is skeptical of such things, wondering whether one should put "to the test" ideas of having talent before believing them.
"He has been thinking that baseballs are made perfectly for what they have to do."
As, we see, are baseball players.

"He begins to imagine himself being a robot, programmed only to play this game; he squashes that thought too, realizing that it will distract him."
Quite effective.

"That teacher of yours just doesn’t know talent when she sees it."
More irony. I love it!

"Edna lifts the towel over the bread that she’s raising. She presses two fingers halfway into the soft mass, hoping that her impression will remain."
The story is kind of all about people trying to make an impression on him - the father with making him a good player, his mother with baking, his teachers, obviously; and, perhaps a bit more deeply, Edna seems to be trying to teach him to be content with being essentially a robot, as we see she is towards the end.

My only somewhat negative comment at the moment is this: “weighing the effect of the lack of the influence of gravity” is a cool idea, and quite appropriate, but the phrasing could be cleaned up slightly. Leans a bit on the "of the"s.

I look forward to reading the other when I have time. I'm sure I'll find something else to say about this one soon, though. Let me say, for the moment, that I am impressed.

[Jean-Baptiste]

I'm so pleased with everything you say, Jamesian! Thanks for reading my story. I haven't talked to you in quite some time. Is this how you've been spending Spring break, reading short stories? Me too. I'm glad you picked one of mine. Yes, if you find more to say about this, please send it along. As for installing subtleties into this story, I think I was simply starting from a solid foundation--and the subtleties just appeared where they were needed. Please tell me if there's a possibility that they could sound a bit contrived. I like to think that the subtleties are merely inherent in the story, but yes, there was a good deal of thought put into fulfilling the central idea. As for analyzing every detail, I would hope that the little details do aid the whole in such a way that it is unnecessary to abstract them for meaning. I would like to see what you come up with, if you intend a thorough explication of the piece. I really would like to see that. As it is, there was no particular symbolism that I was going for in the details; the only thing I had to do was weed out the incongruities, and the rest that fit seemed to really fit. I do agree with you about that of the's sentence. I did have some serious misgivings about that sentence for just that reason, but I liked it so much that I couldn't quite see how to fix it. I'll give it some more thought. I really appreciate your comments, Jamesian. You've made my day!