write or share a poem

[Adolescent09]

I understand, Janine. I'm fairly young and I aspire for a career in literature so perhaps I'm more serious about the comments I receive for my works. I've never published anything but I want to make sure that I'm getting an honest opinion so that when it comes to show my work to a publisher I won't get laughed at and have my work shredded.. I'm looking to improve and am trying to learn new styles often.

(I hope my last post didn't sound too harsh.)

[Janine]

I understand, Janine. I'm fairly young and I aspire for a career in literature so perhaps I'm more serious about the comments I receive for my works. I've never published anything but I want to make sure that I'm getting an honest opinion so that when it comes to show my work to a publisher I won't get laughed at and have my work shredded.. I'm looking to improve and am trying to learn new styles often.

(I hope my last post didn't sound too harsh.)

Adolescent, thanks for writing this, you are being honest and mature. I am glad you understand me. Your post did sound a little harsh, but now I can see your point. As far as my own poetry is concerned, my poems were just fun attempts to write something down to preserve thoughts in my memory. Most people on Lit Net have a good deal of fun and don't take themselves so seriously, and everyone enjoys sharing their writings. We are mostly quite kind and nice to each other and considerate, but sometimes lively differences are aired in a debating form that can get heated. If discussions get too heated a moderator comes in and says a few words to put everyone and the topic back into perspective.
Many posters are young like you or younger - some real young, like my friend who asked for my critique on her poem - she is just 13. She also asked for my help with language and grammar, since she is not native English speaking. Everyone, no matter how old, is learning just like us. Lit Net is a great exercise and way to learn and be stimulated by other artists/aspiring authors.
Adolescent, I am glad to hear that you keep on writing and aspire to be an author or poet...how wonderful. I have read a few of your poems and thought they were quite good; you do possess much talent in writing. I am not just being nice or kind saying that. I really meant it. I liked the flow and ideas in your poetry; they are very lyrical. Beyond that I don't know enough to critique them.
Hope this helps you and you are encouraged to post more of your poems and whatever else you write. keep writing - you have talent! Have you tried the poetry contest thread? It is a lot of fun and some good poems are written there. I have never entered it but will probably get brave and do so soon.
Janine

[Adolescent09]

Thank you Janine. When I said " some people give honest opinions just to be nice", I hope you didn't think I meant you. I was talking about my mother.. She rates everything I do highly.. (in literature) so I can never get an honest opinion from her. And being a homeschooler I really don't have anyone else to comment my work besides my mom; thats why I was glad when I found a literary forum. I got some notion that people here were terribly serious about their work (seeing as there are very few literary forums on the internet)..but I was wrong. I didn't mean any disrespect and I'm glad you're giving me an honest opinion. Sorry, and thanks again. .

[Triskele]

Hi Tristele, I like your poem very much. Only thing I would question is the lines starting with
"I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class"

The wording in these lines is a little confusing to me, and a little uncomfortable to read. Can you explain? Maybe some punctuation to break it up might help make it clearer.

"Above, its you" - do you mean "it's you" - a shortened "it is"?

Hope these comments help you. Trying to be...the kind critic. Janine

those particular lines refer to a lack of confidence, "i awake off the floor" making the dance seem almost a dream, which is then emphasised by the "in my desk", the "i question" is self doubt, and "Not my class, above, its you" is a play on words. the character is confused, thus not his class, making him seem out of place, but it could also be taken as class as in level of society, thus making his statement one of a feeling of lack of worth, "above, its you" signifies that the other, mysterious character in the poem is a higher class, a better person than the main person. i apologize if these lines confuse the message, but i did say it was fairly whimsical, so i guess i hope you see my point of view, but if you don't i entirely understand...

[Janine]

those particular lines refer to a lack of confidence, "i awake off the floor" making the dance seem almost a dream, which is then emphasised by the "in my desk", the "i question" is self doubt, and "Not my class, above, its you" is a play on words. the character is confused, thus not his class, making him seem out of place, but it could also be taken as class as in level of society, thus making his statement one of a feeling of lack of worth, "above, its you" signifies that the other, mysterious character in the poem is a higher class, a better person than the main person. i apologize if these lines confuse the message, but i did say it was fairly whimsical, so i guess i hope you see my point of view, but if you don't i entirely understand...

Triskele, very good explanation. I like that line with the "play on words"...now I understand it. The rest also seems pretty clear to me now. I like the poem and think it whimsical and interesting....conveying well your thoughts. I will re-read the entire poem again. Thanks for explaining. Janine

[kheldar]

Vultures smiling with glee seema bit odd, if not funny. The rest of it is very nice, but vague. Of what darkness and place do you allude to? A castle? A simple home? A mosque? I think perhaps using adjectives to describe the "place" would really enhance your poem's meaning. The transition from what it is now to what it once was, is done very well, I like it. But perhaps use words like...stoned walls... or wood or some sort of infrastructure to describe the type of building and maybe a few lines to give readers a clue on what era you're talking about. As for wars, I think that is too general a term. Wars range from before the existence of Christ to America's Iraq War. Maybe be specific? It depends on what your aim is though... If I'm "reading too much into" your poem I might be wrong. You've got a great thing going there.

Sorry I took this long to reply, been quite busy. And thanks for your comments and suggestions. I guess I was trying to be too smart. The poem was not about a place. Nor was it about a war. Not initially anyway. It was about me. It’s about how I helped destroy something that I held very dear. Hence the word ‘guilt’ at the end of the first line. With the last line I was trying to tell about the people who are just waiting for you to fall down. Couldn’t think of, another way to say that. Though I must admit it does sound stupid. But I also wanted this to have a superficial meaning too. Think maybe I should forget about the personal meaning and try to tell a story. That way I can use more imagery. Whatever I do I shall post it again as soon as it is completed. Or when run out of ideas again. Hope to see your comments and suggestions again. Thanks once again.

[Adolescent09]

Oh, I took your poem in a totally wrong direction, sorry kheldar. I think the "war" part threw me off from your original meaning, but now that you've told me the subject matter of your poem it makes a lot more sense, and is much better than I thought. At first I anticipated your poem was an analogy but when I saw "vultures" and "war" I thought you were referring to some historical carnage. Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. It all clicks in place now, to me , and I'd be happy to comment your future revisions/works.

[Janine]

Thank you Janine. When I said " some people give honest opinions just to be nice", I hope you didn't think I meant you. I was talking about my mother.. She rates everything I do highly.. (in literature) so I can never get an honest opinion from her. And being a homeschooler I really don't have anyone else to comment my work besides my mom; thats why I was glad when I found a literary forum. I got some notion that people here were terribly serious about their work (seeing as there are very few literary forums on the internet)..but I was wrong. I didn't mean any disrespect and I'm glad you're giving me an honest opinion. Sorry, and thanks again. .

That's a good explanation, Adolescent09, and very gracious of you. No, I am surely not your mom, but probably old enough to be your grandmother. I have a young heart though. I try to be constructive with my criticism and help encourage. too...I am nice in this way. It is hard being isolated at home, being homeschooled. I know a family with a son who also has been homeschooled, but now attends his second year of college. He likes the interchange very much.
I think if you post more of your poems you will get honest comments on them from other posters. You should post in the poetry contest thread - one writes a poem to the picture, the last winner, posts. Presently one has just been posted and there is about a 2 - 3 week deadline. It is an interesting way to get people to really read what you write and comment on it. The person choosing the winner usually comments on each poem before announcing the winner. I may enter this one, since I found the photo interesting. Take note that they discourage commenting on poems until they are all posted and the winner chosen, since it might influence the judge. I have been following this thread for sometime and it posts some very good poetry. Contrary to your impression, I do think there are a lot of serious minded poets on this site, especially the contest thread. Like I said before there are a lot of youth eager to learn more. I think, ultimately, we all learn from exposure and from each other.
Hope this throws some light on the atmostphere here. ~ Janine

[Adolescent09]

Thanks Janine, for shedding light on this new way of presenting my poetry and accepting my apologies.. I'll sift through the poetry contest thread and put my skills to the test .

[Janine]

Thanks Janine, for shedding light on this new way of presenting my poetry and accepting my apologies.. I'll sift through the poetry contest thread and put my skills to the test .

Great - I will be anxious to read yours. Meanwhile post away on here. Have fun with it. Keep up the creative flow!

[Triskele]

simple sighs of laughter flick
flit, glisten on a frozen pond
who dares disturb these water
what now is the tune we play
the spikes of water drip,drip
as if a challenge, throwing down
the water, liquid from ice
love from a frozen heart
the dare, to be free
the response, a long kiss

there, chew on that

[Triskele]

Here is one of my recent poetic works. Please tell me what you think

She lays on a land of dewy grass
tickled by golden trickles
of peach, and scents of cherries
like matrimonal partners in hawaii
on their honey moon,
the ocean glides, like mobile ice,
salts mingle the air with strong spice,
resembling a butterfly burst from its cacoon,
diffusing air through rainbow wings,
she feels it in her soul
manipulated into motion,
a spinning marionette on the ocean,
the resplendant ball above shedding
light on auburn locks,
a cheek tinged with tears,
she's dancing alone on a rock,
her loved one's been gone for years,
through coincidence, through accident,
it has not been told,
the mind creates a myriad of fanciful thoughts,
from dreams that are lost and old.

you know what, i love it, sort of an ethereal love story, almost fantasy, and yet the emotion this poem carries can be applied to all, the sensation of "dancing alone on a rock" carries what it feels like to be completely infatuated with someone... thank you for the gift of words...

[Janine]

simple sighs of laughter flick
flit, glisten on a frozen pond
who dares disturb these water
what now is the tune we play
the spikes of water drip,drip
as if a challenge, throwing down
the water, liquid from ice
love from a frozen heart
the dare, to be free
the response, a long kiss

there, chew on that

Tristele, I like this poem of yours - I live on a pond and used to ice-skate so I like that image. I was wondering about the grammar in your line -

"who dares disturb these water"

Shouldn't it be "these waters" or else use "this water"?

I am not sure about the last line - that really throws me off. But I like the rest of the poem. What was your intention for the last line's meaning? My personal feelings are it does not follow well the flow of the poem. I like the last line to be "the reponse, a long kiss" Perhaps "there, chew on that" was just your own comment on your poem (?)

[Triskele]

you are correct, "there, chew on that" is not part of the poem, it is my own narcissistic comment of derision of my inadequate poem. it should be "these waters" i apologize for the grammar mistake and hope you got the message despite the inelegant english.

[Janine]

Tristele, don't say it is inadequate; I like the poem very much. You have much potential and you are talented. Keep writing!