I wasn't grumpy. Not at all.Originally Posted by SleepyWitch
heehee, don't be grumpy our Virgil.I didn't mean to say "you should have done this and that". I'm very aware of the 2,000 words limit. I meant, if you want to make some changes to your story (after those 6 months you mentioned) then you could....
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Late as usual, Virgil, rough night! I recall this story, and the problematic changes in verb tenses were the thing with which I had the post problem. Action takes place either in the present, past, or future, but it cannot take place in all at once. Jumping from one to another confuses people.
Some of us laugh
Some of us cry
Some of us smoke
Some of us lie
But it's all just the way
that we cope with our lives...
Yeah, I slipped a couple of times. I'm a lousy proof reader. Thanks for the comment.Late as usual, Virgil, rough night! I recall this story, and the problematic changes in verb tenses were the thing with which I had the post problem. Action takes place either in the present, past, or future, but it cannot take place in all at once. Jumping from one to another confuses people.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Wow, quite good. Reminds me of my Dad's writing, great dialouge (but he is lacking is setting description, thankfully I'm very good at that ^_^).
I didn't notice anything outstandinly wrong with it, except that I don't really get the ending. Yes, i'm young and naive, but I think theres something just on the edge of my mind that I can't quite grasp. Why was his mother mad when they got back from the forest?
Am I grasping at air, or is there some subtleties that I've missed?
"...thought is the arrow of time, memory never fades."
Brainstrain, I think I answered your question on post #27 on the previous page. Thanks for the compliment.
Last edited by Virgil; 01-07-2007 at 08:01 PM.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
Hi Virgil
Im sorry you didnt get so many votes.
I like your description of Baldini as he is coming out from the loo.
I like the shifts in perspective (e.g. from Reno and Moss to Baldini and his thoughts)
I wonder if the tie bit might be symbolic of something? Baldini seems to me like he feel hes not good enough, doesnt measure up and ties are symbolic of...smart, office wall-street stuff, so the cutting of them with something like shears...???
However, I didnt like your beginning and ending! The main bits!
In the beginning your sentences are not only too short but so many at once, all focusing on actions. Actually I don;t know, your beginning just wasn't strong.
You lack setting and atmosphere, the dialogue does seem a bit realistic but your description of the world around seems 'fake', i cant picture the world.
The ending reminds me of Willy Loman and his relationships with one of his sons (Biff?) in Death of a salesman by Miller. There seems to be a dark twist. I 'm not sure what the connection is between the last few lines and the rest of the story, we have to work too hard to connect the dots. I wonder if perhaps you can rewrite ending, show us something, don't tell.
Hope I've helped.
We can never know what to want, because living only one life we can neither compare it with our previous lives, nor perfect it in our lives to come'
Milan Kundera,The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Parce que c'est toi, parce que c'est moi
Of course you have. Thanks for taking the time Opti. When I go to rewrite the story, I'll come back to this thread and review all the comments.
LET THERE BE LIGHT
"Love follows knowledge." – St. Catherine of Siena
My literature blog: http://ashesfromburntroses.blogspot.com/
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