Revels before Lent

[Virgil]

Sleepy, I went and made some changes to your story. They are only suggestions. See what you think and let me know what you like and dislike. It was easieer for me to actually type in some changes than describe what i meant.

[SleepyWitch]

i also shift perspectives in "Monday" when the aunt comes back home and findst them sitting in the living room. but yep, you're right, there is no rationale behind it...
maybe i could rewrite a bit of the ending to be told from the aunt's perspective (when they are in the car and make ambiguous remarks and the aunt more or less finds out about J&B)... so the rationale would be that the "whore" finds out that Julia isn't a saint, either and for some reason I'd want that to be told from the aunts perspective ????

[Pendragon]

hi, everyone

I've finished a really long short story (23 A4 pages, but don't let that deter you )
Please give me lots of feedback and tell me what you like/ don't like about it.
(also tell me if I've got any prepositions or tenses wrong, especially progressive tense where it should be simple)

let me know if it's too "soppy" or or not soppy enough
is it too fast paced?
do I need to describe the character's feelings more explicitely or are they more or less clear from their facial expressions/dialogue?

if I may say so myself: I'm proud of this story because all of it is fictive and not based on my life or that of anyone I know.
It's also got a beginning, a middle and an end, which is nice
Now that it's finished I'm not so sure it's all that great, though.

~THANKS FOR YOUR HELP~

EDIT: I've changed one of the key scenes. this is the new version

Saved your story Sleepy, and will read it and get back to you, I promise. Uncle Pen.

[SleepyWitch]

thanks Uncle Pen
I'll read yours (The Case of the Cautious Casanova) over the holidays along with some other members' stories

[SleepyWitch]

Sleepy, I went and made some changes to your story. They are only suggestions. See what you think and let me know what you like and dislike. It was easieer for me to actually type in some changes than describe what i meant.

thanks will look at them tomorrow

[Virgil]

i also shift perspectives in "Monday" when the aunt comes back home and findst them sitting in the living room. but yep, you're right, there is no rationale behind it...
maybe i could rewrite a bit of the ending to be told from the aunt's perspective (when they are in the car and make ambiguous remarks and the aunt more or less finds out about J&B)... so the rationale would be that the "whore" finds out that Julia isn't a saint, either and for some reason I'd want that to be told from the aunts perspective ????

Yeah, I noticed after.

[Pendragon]

I found your story interesting, DT. There's the kind of mystery about Julia and "Uncle" Bernard. Do they find a spark of comfort in each other that will ignigte into a romatic fire? Is Julia's "Aunt" Irmgard truly a "whore", and is that why Bernard is so lonely? What did happen to the kid who started the whole ball of wax rolling? Roland has overcome having to take Ritalin and become a nurse, but still can't control impusle when it comes to his love life-- will he settle down now? This could be a chapter in a novel. It opens so many questions you could answer in later chapters. Pen

[SleepyWitch]

hey Pen, thanks for reading my story
hehe, you think I should write a novel then? hum, I'm too lazy for that

There's the kind of mystery about Julia and "Uncle" Bernard. Do they find a spark of comfort in each other

I'm glad you mention "a spark of comfort" you're very perceptive

I'll see what my friends in RL think about it...

[Virgil]

Hey Sleepy, what did you think of my suggestions to your story?

[SleepyWitch]

hehe, haven't read them yet... I'm a little busy plus I'm scared of reaing them I'll do it later this week...

[Jean-Baptiste]

Hi Sleepy. I took a page from Virgil's book and made some in-text notes on your story. I hope you won't think it's disrespectful of me; I really did like the story. Feel free to kick me in the face if you completely disagree and think I got it all wrong. I took it upon myself to tweak some things (it just seems easier to show you, rather than describe my suggestions) mainly paragraph arrangements, and those mainly for clarity of dialogue. If you disagree I will understand completely. If you had a specific arrangement to carry out a purpose that completely passed me by, I apologize for messing with it. I’ve also shown a lot of attention to the use of italics; I don’t know what you’ll make of my suggestions with regard to them. The only actual story point that I can make is concerned with Roland. I think the character is good, and necessary, but there are a few points that confuse me, for which I’ve made notes.
This is about as nit-picking as I can get (they say I’m a harsh critic, but it’s really just nit-picking ) so I hope you won’t think I’ve tried to pick your story apart. I really, really like it. It was a pleasure to read. The idea behind it I think is brilliant, and you’ve included all the necessary information, but only the necessary information, which I appreciate above all in reading short stories. Anyway, thanks for sharing it with me.
Well, I tried to upload the document, but it's just over the limit, so I split it in two. I know that's bothersome; sorry.

[SleepyWitch]

wow, Jean, thanks for your comments!
I don't mind your tweaking at all... I'll have to go over it again and do something about the paragraphing. The paragraphs don't mean anything, I just left them that way out of laziness....
thanks for correcting my spellos, there are some that totally escaped my because I've read the story so many times I just don't notice them.
yep the ending is a bit lame... I'll think about it, but it may take some time
I might also cut out Julia's second e-mail (the fragment) to Nadine, because a friend of mine said it doesn't contain anything interesting.

about Roland giving her number to the student: Julia and Roland both live in a place a couple of hundred kilometres away. That the student phones her only now is deliberate (it shows how stupid the student is! Lots of people actually do that! Some even phone their professor the night before their oral M.A. -!!!!- exam to changer their topic!)

The idea behind it I think is brilliant

what is the idea behind it in your opinion? Hehe, I'm just curious because every reader seems to interpret it differently depending on his/her own background. E.g. my boyfriend and Uncle Pen both thought it's about loneliness. My best friend said Julia cares a lot about her work and career but she's yearning for some 'human warmth' (which is a good description of my best friend herself, in a way!she's a nicer person than Julia, though)
Uncle Virgil was shocked at first....

hehe, now I'll read Virgil's changes and then I'll comment on your stories

[SleepyWitch]

heehee, our Virgil, hum, please don't be cross, but I'm not sure I like your changes too much....
this isn't too bad

“You read about the industrial revolution?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said, looking down at his book.
“Those boys from yesterday seem like such products of industrialism.
“Why do you say that?”
Well, they come from that industrial neighbourhood.”
“Of course,” he said. Julia felt that he had an understanding ear. So she continued.
“They seem like characters from a Naturalistic novel.”
“Oh, like something from Zola?”
Julia was surprised. “You have read Zola?”
“Oh Yes.” He spoke so politely.
“Well, the script of life is badly written for most.
“Oh, don’t wallow in self pity, please.” He smiled.
“No, really sometimes I feel that life is patched together by a drunken fool, whose sense of plot is..uh..is that of a parrot.”
Uncle Berhard turned his dark eyes toward her, puzzled. She giggled.
“I once saw a parrot peel cherries, spit out the flesh, and then line up the seeds like stones in a neat row.”
“Oh,” Uncle responded. She was not sure if he understood. No matter.

but some of the other passages you've added are a bit too errrr *gargle, arrrgh looking for a word that will not offend you*.. romantic/cheesy/soppy/over-emotional err... I don't know...
you see, I want her attraction to him to be a bit more irrational and out of the blue... if she starts locking eyes with him that early on, it won't be out-of-the-blue...
also, I made his eyes 'amber' rather than brown on purpose. I know the right word would be brown. Plus, 'amber' eyes are very rare. But that's what's makes him special. I don't want him to have clichéd warm, dark brown, soft eyes but eyes that look weird most of the time, but can do funny things and can suddenly change to look soft.
If he had dark brown eyes, that would be hard to achieve because many people associate "warmth" and "depth of feeling" etc with brown eyes by default. So he couldn't help looking trustworthy and caring even if that's not what he felt like/wanted people to think.

She placed her hand to his face and kissed him.

not a bad idea... that would make it easier for readers to understand the "waking-up"-scene... I'm just not sure I want any explicit reference to kissing in there... But if that's the only way I can make things clear, I will do it
or would it be enough of a hint if she just touched his face or something?

thanks so much for help and all the time and work you put into this. I hope you won't be cross because I'm stubborn when it comes to some of the changes you've suggested.

[Virgil]

heehee, our Virgil, hum, please don't be cross, but I'm not sure I like your changes too much....
this isn't too bad

but some of the other passages you've added are a bit too errrr *gargle, arrrgh looking for a word that will not offend you*.. romantic/cheesy/soppy/over-emotional err... I don't know...

Oh you're not offending me. I didn't expect to be original with someone else's story. I was just trying to show you needed to bring out the Bernhart character more (he is the critical part of the story and he's delegated to third string almost), eliminate the fat (I still don't understand why Roland and the incident with the kid who gets attacked are in the story), and come to a clearer conclusion. I know you want to be subtle, but you are being so subtle that i don't understand the point. Perhaps it's just me. IMO, a writer is not there to tease and obscure. The implications of a story may be complex and deep and unstated; but a story line should be smooth, clear, and precise. I'll be curious to see your next revision.

[Jean-Baptiste]

Well, gee, I'll take a stab at interpretation, if only to show what a simple dolt I am. I see a couple of things going on in this story. I took the story to be about how Julia's life has, up to this point, been on hold, placed in the background in favor of a focus on academia. She seems socially and emotionally stilted as a result, and realizes (without expressed realization) that there's something missing only when it is presented to her in a mediocre form, to which she instantly succumbs. She is certainly not emotionally dead, as shown by her concern for the boy in the beginning, but emotion has taken on a secondary significance for her, which makes her somewhat harsh and calculating (as you said above, your friend is nicer than Julia.) She is innately lacking any desire for personal (romantic/emotional) attachment, as shown in her choice of friends, viz. the homosexual Roland, and her choice of liaison with an absolutely off-limits man. As for regarding academia as the main perpetrator in this outcome, I couldn't say that it's necessarily about the effect of a prolonged acquaintance with academia, but more about anything that could have this effect of relegating one's personal life to a secondary importance, and the insistence that life will reassert itself eventually. Also, it seems that Julia lives in a constantly updating mind. She doesn't seem to have the capacity to make solid plans (not that there's anything in the story that makes this explicit, just the feeling I get) nor is she able or willing to dwell on the immediate past (as implicit in the fact that she's working continually in stages on marking papers, and throughout the story saving documents and moving on to something else.)

That's what I see. And I think it's brilliantly portrayed. If I got it all wrong, I'm sorry.

Yes, students can be quite ridiculous--changing their minds. I understood the point about the student, but I don't understand how Roland gave the student Julia's number so recently. If he had given it away before they left home, wouldn't the student have called sooner? I don't know; maybe that is something a student would do: frantically get the professor's number too late anyway, and then wait for a day to call.
I did the paragraph thing mostly for my own reading; I figured you just hadn't gotten around to it yet, as some were done and some weren't.