Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now!
And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound?Cheer up!
We love you here!!!
Here are some jokes:
Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now!
And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound?
Here are some jokes:
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once - or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
If the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
9. You notice that the majority of grocery store shelf products come with a website somewhere on the label.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
Why, why, why....
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes! ?
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
The Only Things Women Understand
Top Ten Countdown
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. OTHER WOMEN
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
Just A Simple Test Really....
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
Okay?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, Okay?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.......Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask ... It's really very simple ... Like you!
PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Last edited by Laindessiel; 12-10-2006 at 11:23 AM.
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St . Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test as it was".
St. Peter goes on."Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day.
St.Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- "which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking. But you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd , March 2nd . . . "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind . . but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
Without hesitation, Forrest replied, "Sure, its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song . .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
"Run Forrest, run!"
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
Fantastic!Originally Posted by Laindessiel
Mir if I was as smart as you are when I was your age, I think I'd be in college by now!
And Muhsin, what did you feel before? Surely, not one living in a mole mound?
Here are some jokes:
Lain, can I use some of your "laugh-laughter" posts in one of my other discussion forum?
The source of any bad writing is the desire to be something more than a person of sense--the straining to be thought a genius. If people would say what they have to say in plain terms, how much eloquent they would be.
-S.T COLERIDGE
Oh dear Forrest Gump. He can be really smart sometimes.(Did you watch this movie, by the way, Lain? I loved it!)
I sang of leaves, of leaves of gold, and leaves of gold there grew.
FAVORITE MOVIE, PENSE!!!! Every movie that Tom Hanks stars in is A CERTIFIED FAVORITE!
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
Ways to Annoy People
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Muwahahahahahahaha!!!
Dreams! adorations! illuminations! religions!
the whole boatload of sensitive!
— Allen Ginsberg, Howl II.
How many psychiatrist does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to "want" to change.
"I am glad to learn my friend that you had not yet submitted yourself to any of the mouldy laws of Literature."
-John Muir
"My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - It gives a lovely light"
-Edna St. Vincent Millay
Thanks. Yeah sure you can! I just got them from somewhere anyways.Fantastic!
Lain, can I use some of your "laugh-laughter" posts in one of my other discussion forum?
"You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life."
To go wrong in one's own way is better than to go right in someone else's" - Dostoevksy
I'm afraid or this one is beyond the Forum's rule. Here goes...
A man escapes from prison after serving time for 15 years. He breaks into a house searching for money and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chaiir. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clodths! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."
The source of any bad writing is the desire to be something more than a person of sense--the straining to be thought a genius. If people would say what they have to say in plain terms, how much eloquent they would be.
-S.T COLERIDGE
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