Not long ago, men who put cream on their faces would be called names; now they sit in the bar exchanging beauty tips
By MIKE STROBEL
"What the heck is that?" says the other side of the bed.
She is peering at my neck.
What? What?! Holy cow, what?
"I think it's a wattle."
"A what?
"A wattle."And she goes back to reading a book with a pirate on the cover. The pirate is shirtless. And wattle-less.
Women can be so cruel when you are 50.
So I dream of roosters and wattles and wrinkles and wake up in a cold sweat only to read that some dame is on Mick Jagger's case, too.
Sir Mick, 63 and prune-like, has taken to caviar face cream to counter all those years of depravity.
L'Wren Scott, his girlfriend, is said to be delighted. Lucky for Mick. L'Wren, 39, is a 6-foot-4 Mormon with hard eyes.
Bandmate Keith Richards, 62, has been given a gift of the protein-rich cream. And a trowel, I hope.
Then I read where Consumer Reports says even the best anti-aging creams reduce the depth of wrinkles by less than 10%, barely noticeable.
The $20 creams work as well (or as poorly) as $400 creams.
What's a wrinkly wretch to do?
When in doubt, I always turn to jowly Jimmy Buffett.
And wrinkles only go where the smiles have been" UNKNOWN_ENTITY_¦
Or where the sun don't shine.
Some folks swear by Preparation H to shrink wrinkles.
The Canadian version is especially popular, even in the States, since it also contains a yeast extract to soothe skin.
My ***. Why bother?
Why are we men dragged into the whole Nivea nightmare?
Why has the men's lotions and potions industry doubled in the past decade?
Why is men's cosmetic surgery outpacing women's?
Why are "gentle exfoliants" for women re-emerging as "face scrubs" for men?
Vanity, thy name is man?
Forget it, boys.
'NOT A FACELIFT PERSON'
Let's worship the ground Robert Redford ambles upon.
Watch Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, then take a gander at him now. Wattles to his knees and women still swoon.
"I'm not a facelift person," he tells TV Guide. "I am what I am.
"The trade-off is that something of your soul in your face goes away. You end up looking body-snatched.
"That's just my view. It's not necessarily a popular view."
No, sad to say. And, ahem, let's not mention that miraculous blonde mane.
While we're at it, look at Butch, look at Paul Newman. Crinkly as rice paper, yet hot as a pistol at 81.
Or Gordon Pinsent. That dimple has disappeared in his chin, yet there he is starring in a new movie with Julie Christie, the sexiest woman who ever lived.
Nor have wrinkles hurt Gordon Lightfoot or Neil Young, Sean Connery or Donald Sutherland,
So why the pressure on us regular jowly joes?
"Ageism," says Dave Lackie, editor of Cosmetics Magazine.
"Men who look younger, more vibrant are getting the leg up for promotions over men who look older.
"And we're starting to see objectification of men in advertising. Men with that six-pack look."
Hey, I have a six-pack. Where my stomach should be.
"Not that kind. I mean well-defined abs."
And there's the Baby Boom, now in its gnarly years.
"From the neck down they're 60, but from the neck up they see themselves as 30. Then they look in the mirror."
This tragedy strikes later for men. Our thicker, oilier, hairier skin protects us for a while.
Lackie, 39, is a La Roche-Posay cream man, but he says a good sunscreen is your best ticket to the fountain of youth.
Smoking, drinking, stress, eating too much, pollution, squinting, dust and many other things turn you into a raisin.
Life, in other words.
"There is much to be said for aging gracefully," says Lackie.
You can get a facelift or botox, but that requires upkeep and you might look like Phyllis Diller.
Earthier remedies include emu oil, egg whites, seedless grapes and crushed pearls.
Or, try this: Never, ever smile.
Your face will stay smooth as a baby's bum.
Of course, you will have no friends, to bask in your glow.
What's a wattle or two, just among us chickens?
Mike Strobel's column runs daily, Wednesday to Saturday