Tell Me A Joke

[Laindessiel]

Steward: Are you done?
Passenger: No, I'm Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I'm Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?

[Laindessiel]

"The sun revolves around the sun."
- Almost everyone, before Galileo invented the telescope.

"The earth is flat."
- Almost everyone alive before Columbus' voyage

"Radio has no future; heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
- Lord Kelvin, 1894

"Man will not fly for another 50 years."
- Wilbur Wright, 1901

"China is a big country with a lot of Chinese people living in there."
- Charles de Gaulle, fromer French President

"I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the Miss Universe contest 1994

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

"Go see it for yourself why you shouldn't go see it."
- Samuel Goldwyn, Hollywod producer

[Laindessiel]

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears

"In an action film, you act in the action. In a drama, you act in the drama."
- Jean-Claude Van Damme

"You know one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."
- Bill Clinton

"Whenever I watch T.V. and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I would love to be skinny and all that but not with all those flies and death and stuff!"
- Mariah Carey

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon

"I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time."
- Mariah Carey,on hearing of the death of the King of Jordan

"To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from God."
- Celine Dion

[Pensive]

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbedit, lo and behold, a genie appeared!

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a politician's genie. That means for every wish you make, every politician in the world gets the wish as well -- only double."

The man though about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly, the genie gave hima Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every politician in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.

"Ive always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."

Instantly, a Ferrari appeaed. "But every politician in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," the man said, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

.....

[OZEED]

I really needed to laugh today.
Thanks

[muhsin]

Dear muhsin,
Sorry I offended you, obviously I meant it only as a joke.

Do you speak Arabic?

Sorry, I just miscalculated you.
No, I don't. Why did you ask? My avarta? I'm only a Muslim that's why I like it.

[muhsin]

I really needed to laugh today.
Thanks

Am pleased to hear that.

[muhsin]

If you Don’t Eat Junk food, Don’t Smoke, Don’t Drink, Don't Have boy Friend/Gal Friend, Don't Play Cards, No Late Nights; Then Visit Our site: forwhatwereyouborn.com

Thanks for the link great Maddie.

Just wondering...

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why does the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the tim eo fthe day with the slowest traffic called a rush hour?
Why do British singers suddenly lose their accents when they sing?

We're waiting for clarification. I see you are English.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On the way throught he cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Ofcourse not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

The girl really asked a good question. How do you see it? Honest=1 and Politician=1. Thus 1+1=2

Steward: Are you done?
Passenger: No, I'm Juan.
Steward: I mean, are you finished?
Passenger: No, I'm Filipino.
Steward: I mean, are you through?
Passenger: What do you think of me, false?

A good 'talented' Passenger.

What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.

[Laindessiel]

We're waiting for clarification. I see you are English.

Although it doesn't hurt to have a double-citizenship, I'm like that guy in the joke. A Filipino! Proud to be! But not in the sense that I'm as dull-witted as he is.

What a great funny fella you are? Keep posting! More grease to your elbow.

I like to laugh!!! Although I hate sliming my elbows with grease.... And I try to keep my elbows off the butter dish.

[alhara]

This is a true story and I found it funny but I don´t know if you will, it might depress you. Lets give it a go.

I was at the airport looking out the window when I can across a very large grey sign. There was nothing above or below the sign. The had a green arrow the arrow was pointing up. Now heres the funny part underneath the sign in slightly darker grey letters were two letter U and P. Chew on that, some people take longer than others. I´ll wait

ok if anyone ever looks back at this it´s not a joke its a story and funny to some the sign is pointing up at an airport at the sky at nothing and all it says is up. its like they need a sign so people know where they are going

it is reminisnt of hg2g humor like th edirections a packet of tooth picks why do you need directions it´s funny not because of a play on words but because it is an absurd situation

[Laindessiel]

In this case, I am that SOME PEOPLE, Alhara. Can't swallow it. *tries hard* And I'm a good joke listener!

Hey, congrats on your hundredth post!

[dramasnot6]

I FOUND A PARODY OF "THE RAVEN"!!!! it is hilarious

http://www.joot.com/dave/writings/raven/troubled.html

[kilted exile]

Ok I think I may have posted this joke elsewhere, but I'm too lazy to check so I'm posting it here.

Once upon a time there was a rich Lord in Britain. It was the custom at the time to get a portrait painted of your wife, so the lord decides this would be his chance to show off to the surrounding nobility. He starts thinking & then decides that he's heard of a few Dutch painters so he decides to bring one over to paint the picture.

The artist arrives and is introduced to the Lord's wife, after his wife leaves he turns to the painter and says "Look as you can see my wife isnt the prettiest woman in the world, in fact you could say she is downright ugly. So I'd like you to paint her with sympathy" The artist agrees and goes of to do the portrait.

A month later the portrait is due to be unveilled and the lord gathers a collection of the neighbouring Lords & Ladies. When the curtain is pulled off, the Lord is surprised to see a painting of the village blacksmith with his hand down his wife's top.

He pulls the lord to the side and says "Whats this? I wanted a sympathetic portrait of my wife, and you pain this?" The artist replies "Ah, now I no speak english very gut, so I look up sympathy in your dictionary. Sympathy: A strong fellow, feeling in the bosom"

[Virgil]

That is hilariious, Kilt. I had a good laugh.

[kilted exile]

Yes it was told to me by my Organic Chemistry Prof when I was at Glasgow University and still had visions of becoming an immunologist (would have been something like 8yrs ago now - started Uni at 17) he also told me one about Computer Programmers, Bikes, and attractive naked women (but that one is not suitable for the forum) - he was also the reason I dropped out after 1 year.