Light my Cigarette - A poem I wrote

[caesar]

A poem I wrote a couple of years ago after I broke-up with a girl. It was not a concious effort, but, the poem, just flowed out of my heart and through my pen and onto a paper. I really loved this girl. I just want to know what you people think. Kindly feel free to criticize. And thanks for your time.


---------Light My Cigarette--------


I’d a cigarette; you’d the light.
We didn’t have to fight.
You only had to ignite
And I’d share it right.

We could’ve had a smoke
Later, maybe a coke
Shared many a joke
And in laughter we’d choke.

You said, “Let’s do it. Quick!
More than you, I need the kick.”
So, I pulled out the tobacco stick
And, said, “Light it, chick.”

You made the sound I wanted to hear.
I said, "Honey, so glad you're here."
For a spark, I came near.
And you set my world on fire!

[Sabo]

Love your avatar.

I enjoyed your poem. It was fun; the only line directly commenting the brake up passed half-unnoticed. The rime in "I couldn’t see, you were a liar" doesn't really work, it feel like a sudden stop. To me at least, but English is not my native tongue. Not even my second But yes, it was fun, I liked the somewhat raw tone, it felt playful.

Now maybe those where not the feelings you wanted in your reader, considering the brake-up situation?

[caesar]

Thanks Sobo. I'd almost given up hope that anyone would care to comment. ’Raw and playful' – that’s exactly the way I intended to sound. In another thread, where I've posted another poem, I've said, “I don't try to write poems, I just wait until they force themselves out; and, I like them to sound raw, natural.

Actually, the poem is metaphorical. The painful feelings I have concealed under the ostensible humor is perceivable to me alone, since I wrote it for myself, without any intention to show it to others.

But I will go ahead and give a brief insight, so that others can know my point of view.

She was the girl of my dreams, I mean, literally. When I first saw her, I thought, she has walked right out of my imagination. It is one miracle that I can’t deny in spite of being a non-believer. She was the epitome of my idea of a perfect girl. I was quite popular in college and she was smart and boy, could make heads turn! I once told her, "I feel like I'm with a celebrity." The moment we saw each other, we just knew, love was meant to be. She became the reason for all that I had done and all that I was going to do.

In the poem, by ‘Cigarette’, I mean, ‘passion’ or maybe ‘potential’ which needs to be stimulated. And by, “Light my cigarette,” I mean, give me a reason (light) to live (cigarette) or give meaning to my life. Of what use is a cigarette if you can't light it? Of what use is one's life if there is no one to live for? I don't know about others, but, paradoxically, it's very difficult to live for oneself

In the second paragraph, I’m just saying that we could have had a good time or that we could have had a great life together. In the third paragraph, the words “More than you, I need the kick” refers to what she had once told me –"I need your love more than you need mine."

[jon1jt]

I appreciate and identify with the poetic fire from which your ideas were inspired, and yes, it is playful and in that way it's nice. Overall, the poem has a cheesy, trite feel to it. And please save yourself and revise the last line, a vulgar "I'm-about-to-vomit" cliche.

There is room for exploration in the emotional condition you set forth in,
It was dark and nothing clear.

Dark? H-e-l-l-o!!!! Dark in what sense?
"Nothing clear? Um, ah, huh?

You seem to profess such an outpouring of love for this mystery girl, the match of the century between Mr. Most Popular college boy and Ms. Smarty girl, but there is nothing in your poem that brings this union or departure to life. Why is she so special? You don't know, and I sure as hell haven't a clue. All I know is that she fought with you and she lied (your version). You devote a stanza to things you could have (should have already) done together. So what? Big deal? Invite me and other members of this forum into your experience, and the number of views on this poem will invariably rise. But first, rise to the occasion.

[caesar]

@ jon1jt

Dude, let's keep the discussion in this thread confined to the poem and not bring in what has been said in another thread. "I'm-about-to-vomit" is what you imagined. In the other thread I've only said, "that I almost........" and you have filled up the "........" with your vomit theory. And save your advice; I'll take my chances. Same goes for your patronizing junk-advice in your last paragraph. I neither sought your opinion and advice on my love life nor do I want to discuss my experience. Any opinion, from good to bad is welcome as long as it is about the the poem.

[amanda_isabel]

... since I wrote it for myself, without any intention to show it to others.

Most poetry usually is, but can you imagine the world if no poets ever shared their work? To call it "bleak" would be underrating it, don't you think?

I liked the poem and it made much more sense after you explained the metaphors; I have a friend who also finds a lot of likeness between his life, his girl(s) and his vices-cigarettes, liquor, etc. so I also found some sort of familiarity in the piece.

I have to say though that the last line kinda ruined it for me, as the rhyme was broken. Anyway, overall, I enjoyed it.

Keep posting!