Lokasenna's Poetry Thread

[Hawkman]

Hi Loki,

This was fun. Love the payoff! lol.

Ooooh, I woke up this mornin'
and the rain, it came on down
Oh, I woke up this mornin'
Knew I had to go to town
But the weather it was poorin'
and there were far too many puddles on the ground...


Live and be well - H

[Lokasenna]

Thanks, Hawk! I'm glad you liked it!

[Lokasenna]

I've been translating things again!

There's a rather beautiful Icelandic folk song called Krummavísur (The Raven's Verses), which probably dates from the 18th century (or possibly even late 17th). It goes as follows:

Krummi svaf í kletta gjá,
kaldri vetrar nóttu á,
verður margt að meini;
verður margt að meini;
fyrr en dagur fagur rann
freðið nefið dregur hann
undan stórum steini.
undan stórum steini.

Allt er frosið úti gor,
ekkert fæst við ströndu mor,
svengd er metti mína;
svengd er metti mína;
ef að húsum heim ég fer,
heimafrakkur bannar mér
seppi´ úr sorpi´ að tína.
seppi´ úr sorpi´ að tína.

Öll er þakin ísi jörð,
ekki séð á holta börð
fleygir fuglar geta;
fleygir fuglar geta;
en þó leiti út um mó,
auða hvergi lítur tó;
hvað á hrafn að éta?
hvað á hrafn að éta?

Sálaður á síðu lá
sauður feitur garði hjá,
fyrrum frár á velli.
fyrrum frár á velli.
'Krúnk, krúnk! nafnar, komið hér!
krúnk, krúnk! því oss búin er
krás á köldu svelli.
krás á köldu svelli.'

Like most folk songs, it really comes alive in the singing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq4seuBFxIM

I wanted to translate it, but in such a way as to retain the original's rhythm and rhyme scheme - not an easy task, given the great economy of language that is possible in Icelandic. My translation is, however, reasonably faithful, and I hope it catches something of the desolate beauty of the original. I've tried singing it, and it does work!

Ravensong

Raven sits on ice-cold stone,
Through the night, he’s all alone,
In the dark there’s danger,
In the dark there’s danger.
Soon a winter sun will rise,
Burn the ice from off his eyes.
Weary flies the stranger,
Weary flies the stranger.

All the world is frozen still,
Waves are locked in frigid chill,
Gnawing hunger racks me,
Gnawing hunger racks me.
If a human farm I spy,
With garbage lying nearby,
Fat old dog attacks me,
Fat old dog attacks me.

All is icy everywhere,
At no table shall I share,
The bigger birds retreat,
The bigger birds retreat.
Though I fly from hill to scree,
Only whiteness can I see.
What can a raven eat?
What can a raven eat?

Somewhere in a snowy deep,
Lies the carcass of a sheep,
Whose breath has gone away,
Whose breath has gone away.
‘Ravens! Ravens! Ice and mud,
Now for once bear flesh and blood,
There is a feast today!
There is a feast today!’

[YesNo]

It seems to me that your translation would fit the music. The only line I had a problem with was "With garbage lying nearby". Does the form have a name?

[Lokasenna]

It seems to me that your translation would fit the music. The only line I had a problem with was "With garbage lying nearby". Does the form have a name?

Many thanks, YesNo!

Is there any particular reason why you struggle with the 'garbage' line, if you don't mind my asking? I'll admit that there were a couple of lines I had reservations about, but strangely that wasn't one of them.

As for the form, I'm afraid I don't know - once we get past the fourteenth century, I'm not so hot on Scandinavian literary stylings!

[YesNo]

It is that the natural spoken accents don't match where I think the melody wants them to be. I would accent that line and the one above it like this where I speaking it:

IF a HUman FARM I SPY,
With GARbage LYing nearBY,

Both the number of accents and their place in the line may be a problem, however, I am not that familiar with the melody of the song. It might work.

[Lokasenna]

This poem rather burst out of me, which is highly unusual - for me, poetry is usually a more considered and drawn-out exercise. In any case, it may have something to do with dipping into the Book of Revelation, and having a long discussion with somone about war and terrorism.

Kingdom Come

We hear about the end of war,
The news is sung from door to door,
While bodies pile up on the floor
And all our feelings numb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

The statues went and towers fell,
We were told all would be well,
The Devil sighs and reigns in hell
Atop a growing sum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

Did John alone have eyes that see?
Can one be both a slave and free?
The laws that govern you and me
Do not apply to some.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

A lonely rider rides the sky,
White horse, white drone, away to fly,
But we aground must love and die
Beneath a ruler’s thumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

All bodies rise up from the ground,
And march to here from all around,
They only hear the trumpet’s sound,
The beating of a drum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

And they have died that yet do live,
Poor souls with nothing left to give,
That cannot damn, that can’t forgive
But only can succumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

We tools of war were made to mar,
In Father’s fire we sere and char,
So never knowing what we are
Nor what we may become.
O Lord, O Lord,
This is thy kingdom come.

[YesNo]

Nice rhyme and meter. Most of what I write bursts out of me as well, "diarrhea of the mouth," as one of my high school teachers called it, but it is often more entertaining and more rational than the well-reasoned stuff.

[Danik 2016]

This poem rather burst out of me, which is highly unusual - for me, poetry is usually a more considered and drawn-out exercise. In any case, it may have something to do with dipping into the Book of Revelation, and having a long discussion with somone about war and terrorism.

Kingdom Come

We hear about the end of war,
The news is sung from door to door,
While bodies pile up on the floor
And all our feelings numb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

The statues went and towers fell,
We were told all would be well,
The Devil sighs and reigns in hell
Atop a growing sum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

Did John alone have eyes that see?
Can one be both a slave and free?
The laws that govern you and me
Do not apply to some.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

A lonely rider rides the sky,
White horse, white drone, away to fly,
But we aground must love and die
Beneath a ruler’s thumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

All bodies rise up from the ground,
And march to here from all around,
They only hear the trumpet’s sound,
The beating of a drum.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

And they have died that yet do live,
Poor souls with nothing left to give,
That cannot damn, that can’t forgive
But only can succumb.
O Lord, O Lord,
Is this thy kingdom come?

We tools of war were made to mar,
In Father’s fire we sere and char,
So never knowing what we are
Nor what we may become.
O Lord, O Lord,
This is thy kingdom come.

A forceful poem. Sometimes I ask this question myself, but in prose.

[Lokasenna]

Nice rhyme and meter. Most of what I write bursts out of me as well, "diarrhea of the mouth," as one of my high school teachers called it, but it is often more entertaining and more rational than the well-reasoned stuff.

Thanks, YesNo! I'm glad you liked it. I too have been accused of 'mindless verbosity', particularly in my non-fiction writing, though I try to curb it as best I can.

A forcefull poem. Sometimes I ask this question myself, but in prose.

Thank you very much. It's unusual for me to write poems of social relevance, but this I think is quite a reasonable exception.

[tailor STATELY]

This is a grand poem from what I would term a temporal, perhaps even dystopian, viewpoint... and I see nothing wrong with that, for it is a worldly point of view that many, including many Christians, share in this day and age.

I'm grateful for your poem to allow me to explore the spiritual aspect of hope and salvation found in "The Book of Revelation" which you prompted me to explore within my faith:

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1975/09/u...ation?lang=eng - As the Saints pursue the course of progression and perfection, they look for a better world. Amid the evils and downdrafts of this life they have a need to look upward and ahead, to look at the overall course ordained by their Creator; they need to think in terms of millennial and celestial rewards. Where is all this set forth so effectively as in the latter part of these writings of John?

Nowhere else do we find the detailed data relative to the plagues and scourges of a sick and dying world. Nowhere is the overthrow of satanic power so pitilessly described. Truly the teachings of this inspired work are some of the greatest incentives to personal righteousness now found in holy writ.

Has not the day come when the maturing gospel scholar can dip into this great treasury of revealed truth and come up with a knowledge of those things that will assure him of peace and joy in this life and eternal life in the world to come?

Your ending: "So never knowing what we are / Nor what we may become." is a temporal tour de force. My perspective however is much brighter through my faith and I thank you for bringing this to remembrance.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Lokasenna]

Thank you, Tailor. I'm glad you liked the poem, and that it provoked such meaningful emotions for you.

While I do not share your religious sentiment - the God of Abraham really is not for me - I do find great artistry in the holy books of the Abrahamic religions. Whether John of Patmos was divinely inspired or not, his book is a thing of terrible power and compelling imagery that has shaped much Western thought. Our politicians tell us that we must have war to end war - a sentiment not far removed from the concept of the final battle before the end of days.

[Hawkman]

Watcha, Loki

One really can't help being reminded of Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven with the theme and sentiment of your latest offering. "If this is God's kingdom, let him do with it as he will," as the rather sullen (and uninspiring) Orlando Bloom declared in his incarnation as Balien, the defender of Jerusalem. I, for one, would not have been tempted to lay down my life at his invitation!

But I digress. You have a strongly rhythmic piece here, the first four lines of each verse could be sung as a marching song, or chant. For the most part, your lines are strong and purposeful, but there are a couple of areas of weakness where you've succumbed to the temptation to wrench them a bit in order to maintain rhyme and metre. "...away to fly" & "And they have died that yet do live," which might benefit from a little tweaking.

I have fairly mixed views on the refrain though. I have often remarked that rhythms form "natural questions and answers." This is demonstrated by various rhythmic forms in music and poetry. The fact that the last two lines of each verse actually pose an unanswered question rhythmically can be interpreted as a physical realisation of the question itself. However, here, the fact that it is tacked on at the end of the verse, destabilises it. I wonder, did you try it at the beginning of each verse instead? I do have another reservation, though. Repeated seven times, without variation, it does become a little 'old' by the end of the poem. Would the question itself have more power if presented less frequently, or even only once as a more complete thought poetically? Just a thought.

Regardless, this is a strong piece.

Live and be well - H

[Danik 2016]

I haven´t thought about the repetition. But the theme of the poem in a certain way is the undoing or failure of the present world. In this context it is interesting that the last two lines desestablish the whole verse. I don´t know if this was intentional, but it creates a meaningful correspondence between content and form.

[prendrelemick]

I really liked that Loki. Poems that flood out have an engageing and immediate quality that can get lost with more considered stuff.