Opinions: Does this intro for a story sound interesting? would make you read it?!

[Angelic Devil]

As the title reads Please help if you can it would mean a lot to someone.

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If you were really a true native Otium fellow you know better than to rise during the early morn. You ought to be stretched on your bed suffocating your bones within your white sheets enjoying its warmth and allowing your muscles the pleasure of stretching until the sun reaches its highest point in the sky and that is when, and only when, would you rise and that is when you have your first nourishment of the day. You would start your day by opening the curtains of your uneven windows and absorb the returning sunlight, basking your pale skin as you would dress in your most comfortable attire and your traditional hand-made by none other than Madam Avuevue straw hat. Only then you may stroll down the muddy paths of Otium in your shiny leather boots towards the Glutton’s square, and that would be where you would appreciate the notorious smell of the freshly baked bread and Lady Borbalu’s sweet melon mash.

The older folk had such a roundabout method to explain their slothful qualities, thought Mayn Haim.

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Cheers,
M

[Gu Long]

I do not know about others, but it certainly got my interest.

I like how you decide not to tell us outright about Otium (by the way, I read this at first as Opium ). You could have explained the readers from the stat that Otium is "x nation" or whatever. Instead, you chose to let us know about the way of life of natives of Otium through a vivid description of a typical Otium morning. That plunges the reader right into the story and does not bore him. This is a good example of showing, instead of telling.

You certainly make good use of the language. A less 'poetic' description of the morning would have bored me. What got my interest was the fact that the language was polished and poetic.

Hope to see more of your work. I also hope that I have been somewhat helpful.

[YesNo]

I liked it as well. Now I want to know what happened.

[108 fountains]

It's quite interesting in that it does not follow the usual path of a story set in a "fantasy" world. (It can get boring all those stories starting with how the mighty leader Zorok of the Kingdom of Zastria is amassing his troops for the final assault against the evil empire of Quarushquidor.) This story starts out with a totally different concept - a land where the people, or at least the older people, enjoy comfort and a sense of ease, even have a place called "Glutton Square" known for its smells of fresh bread and sweet melon mash. I like it a lot. And you just know that something is going to happen that will disturb the peaceful qualities of Otium.

One small thing - the phrase "suffocatong your bones" seems totally out of place. Better something like "relaxing your bones."

[AuntShecky]

I'd reconsider the use of the second person pronoun. It may get awkward at times. I've found that a third person p.o.v., along with a consistent verb tense, preferrably past tense, works best. Truly compelling narratives could employ the first person.

[abnormalalien]

Though I agree that the "you's" can be awkward, I think they were used here purposefully. To me, it sounds like an elder of Otium is narrating his opinion of how the younger narrator (last line, which is 3rd person pov) should be acting. I found other phrasing similarly stunted but realized it was the (elder) narrator's voice not the author's writing. Otherwise, it captured my attention. I'd read more.

[Angelic Devil]

Thank you everyone for your warm and helpful comments.

The someone I meant was me and I needed a little boost to really start writing out a novel I had in mind for a long long time. It has been really helpful to read opinions on how to start my drafts.

This is a fantasy-intended novel and perhaps yes, the peace will be disturbed!

Once again, thanks everyone.
M