Mini-novel, feedback please? (No title yet)

[SleepyWitch]

Thanks guys

Yes, 108 fountains, I'd like to develop the other stories more. I was worried that they wouldn't have enough 'weight' compared to the main story. But I've got to wait for inspiration. I'm not the kind of person who can make themselves write, I've got to wait for my brain to make it up by itself.

[AuntShecky]

Forgive me by starting out saying that this post was very difficult to read, not because of its length but because of the lack of spaces between the paragraphs, making it hard on my ageing peepers. But I plowed on anyway, mainly because I was interested, and partially in the hopes that some day, if you so desire, you will do me the honor of reading my own "mini-novella" or novella which I finished posting here a little over a year ago.

Let's get to the business at hand, shall we, with the following comments:

Before getting into an overall critique, allow me to make a few minor quibbles. I would keep descriptions to a minimum; for instance, rather than wasting time outlining a picture of a character’s clothing, you only need to fill in a couple of identifying details. I’d rather be able to distinguish who is who from the way he or she speaks and interacts with other characters than by his or her fashion choices. By the bye, I’m not sure the hirsute high school teacher with the crush on the gym teacher really has a “cleavage,” unless he has gynaemastia (“male boobs.”)

Happily I see that you have mastered your skill in grammar and usage, with only one glaring exception:

“. . .when Tobias and her had spent a week in the Alps.”

You need the nominative case – “she.”

Now, an overall view:
We've had plenty of novels set in Academia by such illustrious authors as Kingsley Amis, Mary McCarthy, John Barth, and Richard Russo, among others, to great comic and/or satirical effect. But that's no reason you can't bring your own personal vision of the topic. But what you should ask yourself is why--why is this particular take on the world of diploma mills different from the others? What is the point it is trying to make?

I think that your dialogue is effective, but it was difficult for me (anyway) to detect an underlying theme. A large number characters–-too many perhaps-- come upon the scene, but with the brief reappearance in the penultimate chapters, they don't really hang around long enough to make a lasting impression.

The chapter in which the students diss their faculty members has the best one-liners, but it seems as if it belongs to a whole different book, since this is the only scene involving a high school setting whereas most of the others take place within a collegiate milieu.

The scientist in the opening scene I believe is the most interesting character. His thought processes on the concept of the number "three" show a mind at work, and of course that's what we're supposed to do: show, not tell. But for some reason this tantalizing character disappears for much of the piece.

Maybe you could have limited the novella to three main characters, in line with Prof. Bader’s fascination with the number “three.” At least it would make it easier for the reader to follow them.

The question I am asking myself is what unifies all of these disparate scenes together? What does each character in this populous array have in common? When asked about the elements of a novel, E.M. Forster replied, "Only connect."

I realize that the final chapter makes an attempt to do this, with the ultimate explanation that these people are all slated to appear in a planned memoir by the professor-- we could take this novella to be that very book. While I do appreciate the attempt to tie up the loose ends, it seems a little like a tacked-on ending, such as we find at the end of movies (like “American Graffitti”) which features still-shots and a written explanation of where each particular character wound up.

A more skillful approach would be to weave the unifying idea throughout the narrative itself, providing a much-needed thread to connect all the seemingly disparate characters and events.

Finally, this was an ambitious project on your part, definitely worth reading. I’m guessing it was a learning experience for you as well. Practice makes perfect, as they say, writing is a "process," and so forth. (Everything counts toward that 10,000 hour goal.) Good luck in your future writing.

Auntie

[SleepyWitch]

AuntShecky, it isn't a novel about Academia! It's about people's relationships, it just so happens that one of the stories is set in academia.

[SleepyWitch]

Forgive me by starting out saying that this post was very difficult to read, not because of its length but because of the lack of spaces between the paragraphs, making it hard on my ageing peepers. But I plowed on anyway, mainly because I was interested, and partially in the hopes that some day, if you so desire, you will do me the honor of reading my own "mini-novella" or novella which I finished posting here a little over a year ago.

Let's get to the business at hand, shall we, with the following comments:

Before getting into an overall critique, allow me to make a few minor quibbles. I would keep descriptions to a minimum; for instance, rather than wasting time outlining a picture of a character’s clothing, you only need to fill in a couple of identifying details. I’d rather be able to distinguish who is who from the way he or she speaks and interacts with other characters than by his or her fashion choices. By the bye, I’m not sure the hirsute high school teacher with the crush on the gym teacher really has a “cleavage,” unless he has gynaemastia (“male boobs.”)

Happily I see that you have mastered your skill in grammar and usage, with only one glaring exception:


You need the nominative case – “she.”

No I don't need the nominative case. There are no cases in English. This is a rule based on Latin made up by prescriptive linguists. In reality, people use either "she" or "her", including educated speakers.

[SleepyWitch]

You need the nominative case – “she.”

No I don't need the nominative case. There are no cases in English. This is a rule based on Latin made up by prescriptive linguists. In reality, people use either "she" or "her", including educated speakers.

[Iain Sparrow]

You need the nominative case – “she.”

No I don't need the nominative case. There are no cases in English. This is a rule based on Latin made up by prescriptive linguists. In reality, people use either "she" or "her", including educated speakers.

This is awesome. I've heard rumors of it before, even know people who claim such things occur, but it's the first time I've ever actually witnessed an intellectual cat fight. It's like mud wrestling with words.

[Iain Sparrow]

The indifferent sea
silver billows far below
plane turbines humming


Three

Three. The thought struck him on the flight back from the Galapagos Islands. Dr. Henrick Bader, biologist and amateur photographer of dung beetles, was returning from a field trip with his students. His head was leaning against the concave plastic frame of the window. The plane from Guayaquil, Ecuador, had just left the continent behind and set out across the Atlantic and he was about to calculate the angle of descent into Amsterdam airport.
Three. Maybe the binarists had got it wrong. True/False – 1/0. Yes/Maybe/No. The Holy Trinity. The three little pigs. No that wasn’t scientific enough. He needed something that could be found in nature. H20, two atoms of hydrogen, one atom of oxygen. Three. No, they were different elements. Solid, liquid, gas. Three states of matter. Proton, neutron, electron. Three types of stable particles. His eyes lost focus of the waves below and inspected the tip of his nose. Three quarks in a proton; red, blue, green, three colours of quarks. The plane hit a turbulence. Three laws of motion.

I wanted to ask... what is Dr. Bader trying to work out in his head, I mean besides the angle of descent into Amsterdam?

I read the passage several times and was sort of stuck on it. Also, what was the significance of the number three?

[Calidore]

No I don't need the nominative case. There are no cases in English. This is a rule based on Latin made up by prescriptive linguists. In reality, people use either "she" or "her", including educated speakers.

Break it down:

"Tobias had spent a week in the Alps"

"She had spent a week in the Alps"

You wouldn't say "Her had spent a week in the Alps."

From the Wikipedia article on Grammatical Case:

English has largely lost its case system, although case distinctions can still be seen with the personal pronouns: forms such as I, he and we are used in the role of subject ("I kicked the ball"), while forms such as me, him and us are used in the role of object ("John kicked me").

[SleepyWitch]

I wanted to ask... what is Dr. Bader trying to work out in his head, I mean besides the angle of descent into Amsterdam?

I read the passage several times and was sort of stuck on it. Also, what was the significance of the number three?

None, initially. He's just the kind of cerebral guy who comes up with random thoughts and thinks about random stuff forever.
The irony of it is that it does have a significance later.

[SleepyWitch]

Break it down:

"Tobias had spent a week in the Alps"

"She had spent a week in the Alps"

You wouldn't say "Her had spent a week in the Alps."

From the Wikipedia article on Grammatical Case:

English has largely lost its case system, although case distinctions can still be seen with the personal pronouns: forms such as I, he and we are used in the role of subject ("I kicked the ball"), while forms such as me, him and us are used in the role of object ("John kicked me").

So, you'd also say:
His mother and he couldn't live together anymore.
His sister and he spoke Spanish.

Anyway, I'll change it if it makes you happy.

[108 fountains]

So, you'd also say:
His mother and he couldn't live together anymore.
His sister and he spoke Spanish.

Anyway, I'll change it if it makes you happy.

Yes, that's correct. If it sounds awkward to you, then change it to:
He and his mother couldn't live together anymore.
He and his sister spoke English.

[qimissung]

I read it and liked it, SleepyWitch. I liked the parts with Felix and Elena best. I had to go back and read the first one after I finished, and I never really made it through the second and third one. Or the one that was written like a screenplay. Your dialog is pretty good. Maybe not Elmore Leonard good, but good nevertheless. It's really difficult to do dialog well.

I for one kind of liked the description of Felix's clothes. I immediately got a picture of him in my head. I thought you did a good job of your characterizations of those two. You made them fairly realistic as was their slow movement towards each other. I enjoyed the last scene-the reunion, and I thought the carp was a nice touch. You made your characters fairly diverse without making their permutations seem salacious or unnecessary.

[SleepyWitch]

I read it and liked it, SleepyWitch. I liked the parts with Felix and Elena best. I had to go back and read the first one after I finished, and I never really made it through the second and third one. Or the one that was written like a screenplay. Your dialog is pretty good. Maybe not Elmore Leonard good, but good nevertheless. It's really difficult to do dialog well.

I for one kind of liked the description of Felix's clothes. I immediately got a picture of him in my head. I thought you did a good job of your characterizations of those two. You made them fairly realistic as was their slow movement towards each other. I enjoyed the last scene-the reunion, and I thought the carp was a nice touch. You made your characters fairly diverse without making their permutations seem salacious or unnecessary.

Thanks qimi.
I am worried that the descriptions are too detailed, but I wanted to show the characters perceptions of each other. E.g. Felix is the kind of person who draws conclusions from little details (when he thinks Elena might not be as uptight as she seems because her clothes are casual).

I wanted to create characters that are realistic and not too weird, so that the 'average' person can relate to them, but I don't want them to be totally stereotypical.

Who's Elmore Leonard? Forgive my ignorance.

[AuntShecky]

No I don't need the nominative case. There are no cases in English. This is a rule based on Latin made up by prescriptive linguists. In reality, people use either "she" or "her", including educated speakers.

Well, yeah, "she" is the appropriate pronoun in the compound subject in the dependent clause beginning with "when." "Tobias and she" would be the subject of the clause. "Her" would be the objective form of the third person female pronoun, as in "Tobias took her to the Alps."

In the short list of books with academic settings, I forgot to mention "The Marriage Plot" by Jeffrey Eugenides. It's not about Brown University, but an emotionally vibrant story of three people as students there as well as their lives after graduation. That book, like yours, explores human relationships within that setting and beyond. I think you would enjoy that novel, SleepyWitch.

[Calidore]

Who's Elmore Leonard? Forgive my ignorance.

Elmore Leonard was a writer of crime/suspense fiction who was especially renowned for his dialogue and characterization. He is also well-known for his article "Ten Rules of Writing":

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/16/ar...ptedoodle.html