A Short Collection of Trashy Poems

[Haunted]

I wonder how you are



how's the weather there
have you made new friends
is the food agreeable
do you enjoy the sparrows
the bats and the chipmunks
as much as before

I still put water out for you
filtered and kept cool
in the same metal bowl

for my tabs
I just use plain tap water
I'm taking more
I can't sleep at night

have you regained some weight
is the sun stroking your back
has it rid you of the subcutaneous cold

are you over it now
that ten prolonged minutes
on the stainless steel table
I did not stop in time

would you forgive me
for what I did shorten
by one day
perhaps a week
or were we merely counting hours
on one hand

[kittypaws]

Cats are cool....they are so independent that is why I am envious of them!

kittypaws

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted, nice to see you posting again

The "I've added" in S5 L2 confuses the sense of the verse, so I'd be inclined to drop it. The first line of S6 just doesn't make sense, I'm afraid. You really need to take a look at that line and decide what it is you actually want to say. To enhance the flow of the narrative I'd recommend swapping the order of "for my tabs" & "I just use plain tap water" in S3. It'll read much better if you do this.

Apart from my quibbles I think this is a good piece, although I do prefer punctuation in my poems

I love the opening line. I'm sure the departed kitty is enjoying his time in Elysium.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

hey, h., your poem had a strong echo with me as it's been less than two months that my dog left for the Elysean fields, too. Am glad I read Hawkman's comment, too, because I thought it was only stupid me who didn't grab the meaning of the S6 opening line. Same liking here for the opening lines, they remind me of some lines out of a Sinnead O'Connor song ("Troy"). Good to read you!

[Jerrybaldy]

I am not a man who keeps pets. But I could not fail to see the pathos and poignancy you captured in S5. Time to move on though maybe Haunted. Your station is somewhere down the line. No need to catch the express and miss the journey. X

[Haunted]

A belated thank you to all

kittypaws, so sweet of you, loved the cat comment.

Hawk, as always, thanks for helping me improve, I've made some edits.

Dieter, I'm sorry about your dog! Even in your grief your words are comforting and beautiful.

Jerry, thanks for looking out for me x

[Jerrybaldy]

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it

[Haunted]

the green line


it follows a fixed path
from left to right

springy like a grasshopper
it jumps up a few times
lays low
and starts all over again

and so it seems happy-go-lucky
until the seasons end
and the bone chilling cold
stops it in its tracks

then ever so slightly
a twitch
and another

I hold my breath
hope hangs in the air
like the smallest snowflake

it's just reflex
the nurse says

my father looks on
he isn't blinking

I'm sorry for your loss
she adds in a voice as flat
as the bright green line

without closing his eyelids
she disconnects the wires

[Hawkman]

A remarkably vivid evocation of those last moments, Haunted. The poem definitely puts the reader in the room, as it were. Very well written; captures the emotions of the moment and presents them without fuss. Very powerful piece.

Live and be well- H

[Evan Shaw]

Independence Day

Fireworks exploding, reminiscent of Francis Scott Key
That Ode he wrote to victory,
So beyond adequately. Play ball!
Cannot capture the essence of that rapture.
When the Flag was waving still.
No wonder he took up his quill!

[Haunted]

Hawk, thank you so very much. Really nice to know I was able to convey it to you. This was one of those which I wasn't sure about.

Evan, a little bit of a surprise holiday contribution. Curious why you'd choose to post here, considering all this gloom and doom from the last few entries. I'm not seeing any connection other than the date/day of posting itself. Didn't it deserve its own thread? I did enjoy it.

[AuntShecky]

Hi Haunted, your latest piece is indeed poignant and despite the morose topic, wit shines through, namely likening the topic to the movement of an insect, similarly green. I also envy your ability to shape short lines.

(And Evan, please don't bury your work in other LitNutter's threads as it deserves its own spotlight. Why not put all your work in a convenient single thread, with later poems posted as "replies" just as others have done: Haunted, Loksenna, DocHeart, and another LitNutter whose name escapes me.)

Auntie

[Jerrybaldy]

I was a while in before I realised what the green line was. I was thinking it was some ropey metaphor. I should have known better. Think the last two lines would be better shortened. The slow adding of detail is brilliant. So well written and so well handled. Beautifully understated.

[angliholic]

I didn't find any trash at all
It's a pity
it has been turned into gold

[Haunted]

Auntie, thanks very much for your kind words. Short lines have their perils but really glad it worked for you.

Jerry, you are absolutely right. I struggled with last 2 lines, felt they could be tightened. Done. Good call x.

angliholic, you are so kind. Noticed you started your own thread. Will visit when I have more time later this week or next.