I need you out.
I need to push you.
Puke you.
**** you.
Out from underneath my skin.
Because the crawling gets to me.
And I can’t sleep.
And all I want to do is see you.
But that takes,
Cutting myself open.
And searching for you.
I need you out.
I need to push you.
Puke you.
**** you.
Out from underneath my skin.
Because the crawling gets to me.
And I can’t sleep.
And all I want to do is see you.
But that takes,
Cutting myself open.
And searching for you.
My old thread was getting too cluttered and I felt panicked. Sorry if this is against the rules.
There are no rules about this. Some people post their poems in one thread, some in multiple threads. Don't worry.
I think adjusting the punctuation could make this a bit better. For instance, if you are continuing the same sentence, and if that 'out' is reliant on the verbs presented at the beginning of the poem, why use a full stop after 'you' in lines 3 and 4? And why a full stop after 'open' if you are continuing the sentence? The line break does break it up without punctuation.
Also bothered by the line break after 'takes'? Wouldn't it be better to say what it takes before you go to the next line?
Interesting conflict I think between wanting to remove (purge) and wanting to see the creative idea or the memory of a person.
Keep it up. But don't be dismayed at the lack of response sometimes. Keep reading and writing, writing and reading.
is the bleeped part F- you or S- you?
Nothing resting in its own completeness
Can have worth or beauty; but alone
Because it leads and tends to farther sweetness,
Fuller, higher, deeper than its own.
S--- you out.
Silas - Thank you for all of the honest tips and criticism. I appreciate them greatly.
And to the other two members - it was F---.
I love these two lines:
Out from underneath my skin.
Because the crawling gets to me
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Delta - It's hard to tell if you're serious with Condescending Wonka as your icon but I think you were so thank you. I love it when people are able to point out their favorite lines because it makes me feel as though I've done something right.
Why use words that you need to replace by asterisk marks?
phoenixtears - I use a lot of expletives in my poetry and generally write them places that aren't here. I feel that they add, creatively, someway to the poem in a form that I couldn't express otherwise. I don't see a need to replacing them with words that I don't think fit just because they are placed here. I didn't replace them, also, the filter on the forums did.
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