The Block of Teenage (a.k.a. what the f***ing h*ll)

[SchuyLight]

[Don't bother]

[Calidore]

Why even post a piece that A) you don't think anyone will be willing to read because it's mostly unformatted, B) you yourself don't seem to think is worth reading; and C) you don't even think enough of to finish formatting it? I don't think you need to worry about wasting anyone's time, as nobody is going to do more than glance at this as it is, but you're certainly wasting your own.

[cafolini]

Sorry already, and Hillwalker hasn't even been here yet.

[Delta40]

Yeah those massive paragrahs, no line breaks with dialogue stiched inbetween makes for a hard slog for the reader. It's like dishing out slop to custmers at a restaurant and expecting a 5 star rating. It just won't happen. the food might taste good but presentation counts for so much so do go to the trouble of formatting your work and don't leave it to the reader to plough through it. That's your responsibility otherwise you will lose a large portion of your audience very quickly. You've seen how stories are set out in books - follow the same example. A line for each diaglogue. Break the paragraphs down so we can draw a breath as we read. You have more chance of keeping our attention when you do this than serving up a possible good story in mish mash form.

Give it another shot by making these simple changes and see how you go and then your reviews can focus on the story itself.

Good luck x

[Steven Hunley]

Yeah those massive paragrahs, no line breaks with dialogue stiched inbetween makes for a hard slog for the reader. It's like dishing out slop to custmers at a restaurant and expecting a 5 star rating. It just won't happen. the food might taste good but presentation counts for so much so do go to the trouble of formatting your work and don't leave it to the reader to plough through it. That's your responsibility otherwise you will lose a large portion of your audience very quickly. You've seen how stories are set out in books - follow the same example. A line for each diaglogue. Break the paragraphs down so we can draw a breath as we read. You have more chance of keeping our attention when you do this than serving up a possible good story in mish mash form.

Give it another shot by making these simple changes and see how you go and then your reviews can focus on the story itself.

Good luck x

It's only a mountain of words at this point. Sort it out.

[SchuyLight]

-----

[Calidore]

Because I had nothing else to do with it, and formatting will take hours that I don't have. I expected these responses, that's why I was so down on the story. I know that nobody will read it; So what?

Then what in the world was the point of posting it in the first place? I don't get it. Was that some kind of passive-aggressive reverse-psychology attempt to get people to read it anyway out of curiosity?

[hillwalker]

I'll not comment on the formatting. How you managed to figure out it takes less time to type something as a block of text rather than in separate paragraphs baffles me. All you have to do is press the 'Enter' key when necessary.
Also, more damning, it doesn't show your readers a crumb of respect if you expect them to navigate through this as it stands.

And while I'm at it, the title sucks.

But I was bored so I gave this a try. You don't exactly do yourself any favours even before the 'story' starts:

I get the feeling that my endeavors on this site will go overlooked by anybody, so what the hell, right?
It is quite amateur...
Wrong, and, Uh, no. It's totally amateur and makes me wonder why you're trying to sabotage your writing career (assuming you're hoping to find one) right from the start. Maybe it's a fear thing - you don't care what we think about your attitude. You're probably secretly wishing that we hate it. But you don't want us to judge your writing because that means more to your self-esteem. So you set up an easy excuse why no one should bother even reading it.

Sorry - but I'm going to crit this anyway.

One thing that stands out is the 'in your face' dialogue between author and reader that peppers this. Not everybody's cup of tea but you handle it well enough. And if we're talking about how to start a story, well the closing line of the first paragraph certainly grabs our attention.

As the plot progresses there are verb tense issues you need to deal with. You can't keep jumping from present tense to past for no apparent reason. It makes things difficult to follow:
Teenagers are the worst breed. It’s not racist or ageist or whatever, because I am one, before you start talking bad. As soon as one of them shot me a backwards glance that told me they thought I was a stalker.

Also, because so much of this is 'internalised dialogue' it might help to italicise it all to keep it detached from the rest of the narrative. Again, don't go out of your way to make things difficult for the reader because it would be a shame if they missed some of your smarter lines, like:
I’m glad I listened long enough to know she didn’t give me the rejection hotline. . .
or
luckily, my highly trained emotional exterior doesn’t melt as much as my inside.
or even
Was I still dreaming? Maybe I’m dead! No. that’s dumb. I pinched myself; that always works.

You also probably realise that this could be trimmed down without losing the core plot and characterisation. It got a bit bogged down here and there - when you started going on about your teachers for example. But I liked the tiny digressions - like when you introduce us to your dog for no apparent reason. It establishes the main character's grasshopper mind perfectly.

But +6200 words - and this is only half/two-thirds of it? Yikes. I know teenagers constantly shoot off at the mouth but even when you're writing in an adolescent 'voice' you have to tone things down a bit. Again - play nice and try to be more reader-friendly.

It's also a bad idea to CAPITALISE words you think are important. It doesn't work. If you choose the right word it will stand out anyway. If you really have to stress a word for some strange reason then italicising is again the best way.
And emoticons are best left for 9-year old girls when they write in their private journals or when they scribble dopey love letters.

So to the serious stuff. If you put more thought into linking the two plot-lines and tone down the need to record every thought your MC ever has you have a great start to a piece of YA fiction. It's smarmy and annoying enough to work and I think you've nailed Andrew's voice. But even more important - you need to look at how other writers frame their words - paragraphs, line spacing, they're like road signs. Without it most readers will get lost and give up - which would be a shame because this has potential.

H

[SchuyLight]

Is there a delete button? for the thread. Yes. I'll try again in ten years when its done

[SchuyLight]

So to the serious stuff. If you put more thought into linking the two plot-lines and tone down the need to record every thought your MC ever has you have a great start to a piece of YA fiction. It's smarmy and annoying enough to work and I think you've nailed Andrew's voice. But even more important - you need to look at how other writers frame their words - paragraphs, line spacing, they're like road signs. Without it most readers will get lost and give up - which would be a shame because this has potential.

H

Thanks. I appreciate your attitude towards my lack of effort. I apologize for my writing, I didn't mention that I wrote this while depressed and failing highschool.

[hillwalker]

Is there a delete button? for the thread. Yes. I'll try again in ten years when its done

Why?? Your work and the crits that follow will be valuable research material for other writers in your situation. We can all learn from other people's mistakes.

H

[ThreeKlicksAway]

Oh do repost it, I would very much like to read it. Not to get all bi*chy about the style, but to perhaps quietly critique and learn from your work. I promise I won't be cruel...

-Klick