The ground shines much more brightly after rain.
The girl who walked in darkness by the river's edge
will find the sunshine, and what tears she had
will dry up in the warmth of day.
The ground shines much more brightly after rain,
and tears will glisten in her smiling eyes.
Last edited by Silas Thorne; 05-20-2013 at 07:46 PM.
Nice to see you flitting through, Silas. Two things which strike me about this rather elegant little piece:
Firstly, do you need the definite article before rain? To me it feels a little superfluous and dare I say, too specific. What's so special about this particular rain? also I feel it's one syllable too many for the balance of the line. The definite article before sunshine might also be queried, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as the one before rain (in both lines).
The other thing is the last line, which, I feel, is one too many. Having previously said that her tears will dry up in the sun it jars a bit when you say they'll glisten in her eyes after rain. Besides, the extra line upsets the symmetry of the verse.
I do like it, though I feel it could be cuter
Live and be well - H.
Darn that Hawk. I didn't notice until he pointed it out but he is right. That closing line near contradicts the end of the first stanza. That aside it read beautifully, or cutely, were there such a word. Good to see you around Silas.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Crochet Hawk, knit Hawk, darn Hawk...
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Just leave like it is, Silas. If you start playing with the definite and the indefinite at this level, you can't propose this level of being and ex-istence. If you say "rain" instead of "the rain," there will be some useless fart that will come and ask "what kind of rain?" LOL
Haha!Originally Posted by Delta40
Thanks Hawkman, JB, cafolini, and all you other guys for your comments! I'm so happy to see that this poetry forum is still as live as a snake in a sack.
I'll take 'the' out (Thanks Hawkman!), but I'm leaving the last line in, because I'm deliberately contradicting myself. It's imperfect, yes, but I'm unwilling to remove it at this stage.
Despite the contradiction, it really is cute.
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