judge me not
on preferences
colours
or speed
i seem to glow
to thrill that woe
time is the flow
to which i
slow
judge me on wits
calibre
and speech
manners
to wish
appease and swish
and i to it
mellow
and
glitz
judge me not
on preferences
colours
or speed
i seem to glow
to thrill that woe
time is the flow
to which i
slow
judge me on wits
calibre
and speech
manners
to wish
appease and swish
and i to it
mellow
and
glitz
Last edited by cacian; 05-07-2013 at 10:54 AM.
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
Regardless, I think it is impossible to make any statement whatsoever without it being a judgment.
I actually liked the first four lines of v1 and the first three of v2. . . but once you stop writing in conventional English it becomes impossible to take your work seriously.
H
I think that it`s impossible to do without judgments.
If I were you, I would focus on conventional way of writing.
I thank you all very much and I agree in many parts apart from the first lines needed changing all of it in fact.
I have now shortened it and hopefully it is now less clumsy if not unreadable
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
Shortening the gobbledegook doesn't really change matters. You need to remove it completely and continue writing coherently for any message to get across.
to thrill that woe time is the flow to which i slow
and
to wish appease and swish and i to it mellow and glitz
is complete nonsense I'm afraid.
H
Almost everyone who isn't Cacian: You can't write! Go to school! Get off this forum! Do something useful! Gosh, you're such a waste of freakin' space!!!!!!
Cacian: God gave me a middle finger for a reason, ya know.
Me: You tell 'em, Cacian.
My hide hides the heart inside
Personally I beg to differ from the negative posts about "judge me not." I like this work and it needs to be read a few times before any judgment is made.Originally Posted by cacian
“The embers of past lives lie within us all, waiting to be fanned into flames of reality by the breezes of remembrance.” Jett Black.
Nobody is telling Cacian those things but you post your poetry here so expect feedback on why it might not work. Anyway, Cacian would never write about her middle finger like that!
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
There is nothing wrong with being "unconventional" -- in fact creating anything "new" demands it. However, the problem with much ofyour work, as I see it, is that it doesn't make sense. For instance, picking rhyming words out of the air and hitching them to the ends of your lines doesn't really make the lines meaningful.
One way to remedy the condition is to read vast amounts of modern and contemporary poetry in order to determine --maybe by osmosis -- what makes a good poem.
thank you all very much for your comments they are all very helpful.
Delta you are right about my middle finger plus it is busy typing most of the time haha
it may never try
but when it does it sigh
it is just that
good
it fly
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
