Brian Bro

[Delta40]

And filling up the watering can,
each gallon reminds me
how swamped I am
in the emotional silence
now that you're leaving.

We dance around
the pool competition
you lost.

and a fine roast dinner
you cooked.

I swallow as much as I can
in pretense.

Standing in my driveway
like a smiling plastic doll,
you put all my love for you
into reverse and head off
to the mystical East.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. As always, you deliver wonderful imagery and convey so much. There is very little here not to like but I do feel quite so many 'and's aren't necessary. I'd also be inclined not to repeat 'gallon' because the reference to the quantity of water is two stanzas away from the initial image with others in between. If I may, I'd suggest cutting the first line of S4.

"Filling up the watering can,
each gallon reminds me
how swamped I am
in the emotional silence
now that you're leaving.

We dance, around
the pool competition
you lost

and a fine roast dinner
you cooked.

I swallow as much as I can
in pretence.

Standing in my driveway
like a smiling plastic doll,
you put all my love for you
into reverse and head off
to the mystical East."

I feel these minor changes give the piece more focus, but it's just a suggestion. A good poem, a good read.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Thanks Hawk, I appreciate your suggestions and will make the changes.