Humanization
Is a humming
That time has forgotten
In crowded places
In the sigh of a sad violin
Whose string is broken
And no one could feel her weeping
Except a sad violinist.
الأنسنة
دندنة
نسيها الزّمان
في زحمة المكان
في غًصّة كمنجة حزينة
وترها مقطوع
ما يحسّ ببكاها
غير عازفٍ موجوع
I love itand I love the rhyme in the Arabic one. I wish I could write in Arabic like that. :/
Thx, u see how the Arabic is much more beautiful?
That's why I hate translation but no one agrees with me.
I translated it because it's short and put the Arabic version especially for you.
Welcome to the club; I thought I'm the only Arab here
Last edited by caddy_caddy; 01-13-2013 at 11:17 AM.
Very moving image, Caddy. Strong in its brevity. One suggestion: you don't need the line, "Whose string is broken." I think you clarified broken in the first three lines. Then follow with now L7 being: Whose weeping no one hears" I think you could use the word hears or the word feels. I prefer hears, but that is me. Oh! I wish I knew Arabic.Originally Posted by caddy_caddy
Hi, thx for your comments
The string here is symbolical that's why I think it's necessary
I mean it " feel " because some could see or hear your weepings yet they couldn't feel it.
The more important is " to feel with others not to see or hear "
And feeling with others is the first condition of humanization
And that line is a personification that's why I used it in that form .
Glad you enjoyed it .
Last edited by caddy_caddy; 01-13-2013 at 12:30 PM.
When reading this I replaced "humanization" with "humanity" in my mind and thought of the broken violin as also a string that could not be replaced easily.
I enjoyed the sound of the English version, but if there was additional rhyme, as Twota suggested, in the Arabic version that was left out, you might want to try rephrasing the English version to include some of that. In the process of doing that, a better English version might occur.
I enjoyed the poem.
My blog: https://frankhubeny.blog/
Thank you
The title is ironical
It implies that we're not humans and we need a process of Humanization , a recycling of our lost humanity.
Don't u think so ?
In Arabic it's rhymed and the rythm makes it much more touching..But I don't think I can make it in English.
When you're translating any piece, your choice of words and lines is limited if you are to remain true to the original. And I agree, translating from one language (where the sounds of the words add a melody of their own) into another (where it's not possible to hear echoes of the original) is seldom satisfying.
The only advice I might offer is to replace 'a humming' with 'the humming' - a tiny change, but the 'th' sound matches what follows in the next line.
H
Thx for your comment ,
U see I can't feel the sounds in English. Maybe that's the most difficult part to me.
Actually I care a lot about musicality but I am not accoustmed to English sounds because I rarely listen.
I always say I should train my ear to English sounds .
I only focus on reading and hardly listen to songs or watch movies.
It helps a lot, the stress on syllables, the flow of words and the impact of each sound to create musicality.
The other thing I recognized is that it's very difficult to translate by yourself.
I thought It would be easier, but no ; A stranger feels free to deal with the text; the writer feels improsionned in the original text .
It's like doing a surgery to your own child when every part is so dear to you. It takes too much courage to do it.
Yes , I couldn't deviate from the original text. That's my child. I should ask someone else to do the surgery
Last edited by caddy_caddy; 01-21-2013 at 08:45 AM.
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