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Thread: the whisky waterfall

  1. #1
    Registered User Sampson's Avatar
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    the whisky waterfall

    he keeps hitting the bottle
    and spitting his tales of a modern misfit
    licking rizlas sticking them together
    to make a page to write a better poem
    than the one he wrote before
    a notorious stanza scratched on the wall
    of a tavern called the whisky waterfall
    and he takes shots of scotch
    between couplets that swiftly
    slip into the realms of nonsense
    constantly convincing himself
    that the fictions he sells are well
    worth the investment
    giving each verse less assessment
    eventually letting his pen get the better of him
    betting his own essence on a poetic whim
    he continues to scribble
    until he found himself lost amongst
    paradoxes and riddles
    boxing concepts until left for dead
    in the middle
    of a ring of his own imagining
    battered by grappling with complex
    aspects of nonsense couplets
    that come to him quicker
    than liquor at the whisky waterfall
    that famous old place
    with the mad young poet's last masterpiece
    now encased in glass on the wall
    a testament to all those poor fools
    who let their pens get the better of them
    and descend into nonsense too

  2. #2
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    Hi Sampson, good to see you around. Shades of Kurt Weil here - The Next Whiskey Bar sprang to mind. Possible inspiration or serendipity? Either way the poem makes an impression. Thanks for sharing.

    Live and be well - H

  3. #3
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    I also liked this very much once I got beyond that opening line - 'hitting the bottle' is a cliche that adds little to what is otherwise a well-observed poem.
    Love the internalised alliteration of 'rizlas' and 'stanza'.

    H

  4. #4
    Original Poster Buh4Bee's Avatar
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    There is much to like about this one.

  5. #5
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    This is one of my preferred on the page, Sam! It flows so perfectly and offers such a feast of sounds and rhythms, all in subtleties. Great. Thanks for sharing!! and welcome back!

  6. #6
    Miaaow! Twota's Avatar
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    I love it.

  7. #7
    Registered User Delta40's Avatar
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    Shouldn't 'until he found' be 'until he finds'? I like this also.
    Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb

  8. #8
    Registered User Sampson's Avatar
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    Thank you everyone for the positivity (: I'm enjoying being back on these forums very much!

    hillwalker: I used the 'hitting the bottle' line to kick start the poem. I am primarily a spoken word artist, and often leave lines like that in there out of habit... It's a way to get into the flow at an open mic or whatever. But you know, I see what you mean when you say it adds little. It might be a little superfluous, but I'm still hesitant to remove it... What do you think?

    Delta: Yes, that was a bit of a balls up! Sorry! And cheers (:

    Hawkman: I don't know Kurt Weil. I'm going to look him up now!

  9. #9
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    What do I think?
    Well - 'hitting the bottle' is a tired cliche and doesn't lead naturally to the 'spitting' in line 2.
    If you tried to think of a more original expression that still conveys the same idea - something like 'sucking at the bottle' - you achieve two things for the price of one:
    you avoid an overused phrase, and suggest there are contradictions in his behaviour - 'sucking' and 'spitting'.

    H

  10. #10
    Haribol Acharya blazeofglory's Avatar
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    Poetry speaks up something that goes unsaid and the depth with which it goes is beyond measure

    “Those who seek to satisfy the mind of man by hampering it with ceremonies and music and affecting charity and devotion have lost their original nature””

    “If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of the mind! The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of the universe, the speculum of all creation.

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