Starved
when you recklessly
consider telling
about the nights
after dinner when you've
plunged two fingers down your throat
you endure the urge
and simply sit there
in your place at the table
eating
Starved
when you recklessly
consider telling
about the nights
after dinner when you've
plunged two fingers down your throat
you endure the urge
and simply sit there
in your place at the table
eating
Last edited by Xillus_Xavier; 10-30-2012 at 08:10 AM.
eek! There needs to be a carrot - sorry a comma at the end of throat. I thought about this one in relation to a family member I know. Her silent presence at the table and the unspoken 'secret' was more of a threat I think than anything else. There was a concern that she would 'spill the beans' at the most inappropriate time.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Well, to be honest, it needs more than one comma, if you were using punctuation. But you're not. However, not all of the stanza breaks work for me as they create pauses in unnatural places. This makes the read a bit stilted. However, it is a good poem, methinks. Thanks for sharing.
Live and be well - H
It can probably survive without punctuation - the pauses perhaps echoing the 'swallowing reflex' of the subject of the poem herself, or the swallowing of the lumps in the throats of those watching this scene unfold.
A very effective piece, made more powerful by the positioning of the final word.
H
Thanks for the positive feedback.
I've changed "carelessly" to "recklessly". "Carelessly" made it seem like the subject could talk about their problem without much hesitation. "Recklessly" is the word I was needing here.
Love your poem just as is. You know the economy of the words, Xill, punctuation would spoil the clarity as well as the effect, here. As hill, I too think the positioning of the last word adds poignancy.
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