Continued in short story section.
Continued in short story section.
Last edited by smerdyakov; 08-27-2012 at 01:37 PM.
Wow... it was a really intense scene! It was amazing how you managed to show so much of both characters in such a short text: the guilt-stricken mom who can't help but blame herself and her divorce for everything that goes wrong with her kids and the bratty boy who is probably not that bad yet the emotional and physical pain are making a complete jerk out of him (or am I reading way too much into it? lol.)
The descriptions were pretty great as well, I actually cringed a little.
Great job!
Je ne peux pas supporter qu'on attende quelque chose de moi. Ca me donne tout de suite envie de faire le contraire.
Jean Paul Sartre, Huis Clos (1944).
I think this is a great precursor to a better story smer as you so often tempt us with. The metaphor of the sun burn tied in with the broken family is superb. Why not expand on it and keep us all happy?
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
TheQuill - Thanks for the encouraging feedback. Yes you're right, that's what I wanted to portray. Thanks for taking the time to comment friend, it means a lot to me.
Delta - I am turning it around in my head as we speak. When I come up with the finished product, no doubt I'll post her up here. Cheers for the positive return on this. All the best.
Yes! The metaphor for the burn on his back was very well done. I caught that right away. I also think you portray the mother in a very realistic way. I was torn between feeling sorry for the mother verses her son who was so deeply "hurt" by the separation, despite his highly inappropriate behavior. Good reads.
Is this complete or is there more to come? Either way, it's fine as it is, though I have one "caveat" (to use a favorite term of news pundits.) Since you're using the present tense, be careful. Sometimes it's hard to keep the verb tenses consistent and logical; the structure can pose awkwar, syntactical problems can get awkward when including flash-backs, etc.
Thanks B for taking the time to comment. The son is spoiled, but the mother is quite weak in the situation. Spare the rod and ruin the child so the old saying goes...
A - I was thinking of making it into a short story. I'd use the mother as the MC and have her reflect on the breakup while she is on holiday. It's important when writing not to oppress with reader with too much bleakness, so I'd have to put some humour (humour is the hardest writing to do effectively me thinks; anyone can do depressing) in there to offset the dispiriting theme, some dark humour of course.
Yes.
My question for you is this: is the mother a weak character in general or is she weakened by her situation and does not have enough energy to properly deal with her son?
Smer how is it that you're the only Litnutter that has a clear accent when you post? I can actually hear the Irish when I read your responses!Originally Posted by smerdyakov
Delta - I am turning it around in my head as we speak. When I come up with the finished product, no doubt I'll post her up here. Cheers for the positive return on this. All the best.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
B - Hey
Delta- Really?
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