The Greatest Light

[Jeos]

The Gnostic Soul


There is no world
that has not been born of a crack
of a cry of pain and pleasure.
Beings and things
are a double-edged blade
the result of a cryptic pact.
For generations and worlds
worlds and generations on end
we live and continue to live
like a bird with no sky
like a fish out of water.
This body and its tributaries
are but a boomerang whose
return may be fatal - the half-angel
half-demon and oh-so-perishable fruit
of a cryptic pact. BUT…
within and beyond this body
something is longing and fighting,
above all fighting,
for a return to before the Fall
for a return to when and where
nothing separated us from
THE GREATEST LIGHT...

[Bar22do]

As promised:

That it all started from a crack, I can believe. It is said that G-d "built and destroyed worlds" and that ours is a bunch of the broken pieces. But I have no idea about "the cryptic pact"... I do not believe in the fall, either, especially with a capital R, but I fully agree that we are longing and fighting.... for something - have we ever been united in "the greatest light"? Perhaps Light is the highest our mind can reach and there is more than Light, other than Light, something we cannot name because it's beyond our grasp...

[Delta40]

I find the mention of cryptic pact twice seems to defeat its own impact. And I don't think there is a need to use upper case in the final line. Perhaps at best, italicise it.

I would be inclined to remove:
like a bird with no sky
like a fish out of water.

They're both cliched and the poem reads just as well without them Jeos.

For generations and worlds
worlds and generations on end
we live and continue to live.

Is a stand alone statement on its own as an eternal cycle of life and needs no cliche attached to it.

[Jeos]

Fine constructive comments from two excellent "poetisas" (female poets in Portuguese) -what more can I ask?!

BAR:"But I have no idea about "the cryptic pact" ...from a gnostic-theological point of vue only that pact can explain creation and/or matter. Anyway science-Darwin-existentialism alone I find it somehow boring ...to dry for me!
. "...something we cannot name because it's beyond our grasp..." :beyond our intellectual grasp/ discoursive reasoning that's for sure.
But my experience with the soufi way ( triggered by the lecture of Richard Francis Burton biography) taught me that the "unnamed" can be approached. And poetry (Rumi, Hallaj, Hafez etc etc) is an excellent tool for that.

[AuntShecky]

When writing about abstract, philosophical topics, it's more effective to express the idea in concrete terms, i.e. imagery can be recognized by one of the senses: seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and feeling (in a tactile sense.)The more specific the imagery is, the more effective the analogy or metaphor.

Really abstract wording and phrasing has a tendency to weigh down your verse. Catch-all nouns ("Beings and things") contribute nothing. Instead there should be a plausible connection ( or some similiarity to human life as it's lived) in order to show the point or thought.

Next time, why not pick a less ponderous subject? Start small(er) and then gradually work your
way up to larger themes. Meanwhile, remember the cliché of not biting off more than you can
chew. Also, try not to take yourself too seriously.

Good luck in your future writing efforts.

[Jeos]

1 - When writing about abstract,....................... the analogy or metaphor.":

- Definitly accepted and understood !

2 - "Really abstract wording .................................show the point or thought.":

- Something like (caricaturing) :
"they you and me
the river the rock and the tree"

3 -" Next time, why not pick a less ponderous....................... Also, try not to take yourself too seriously.:"

- The problem is not the subject in itself but its poetic expression.:
And you are right: no one should take too seriously whatever the field of activity, creative or not, etc.

Can I ask you how did you notice my text ? By chance, just like that ? Or it was the title?

I am really interested in your comments. Would like that you take a glance at my other texts in the site .For I really believe that poetry is something that can be learned.

Thank you for your interest in my writing efforts.