Parts

[smerdyakov]

When did the milk of human kindness start to curdle?
When did love turn its shoulder?
Was it when the sum of our words added up to nothing?
The idea of one better than the one itself.

When did that wave we used to ride split in two?
marooning us here alone, both worlds apart.
Was it when routine took its flesh?
And left us with nothing
but the parts.

[Buh4Bee]

I found this to be an honest and mature account of what happens when love fails. It is a relevant poem.

[smerdyakov]

Hey B, thank you kindly for giving your impressions on this.
All the best

[Hawkman]

"When did the milk of human kindness start to curdle,
when did love turn its shoulder?
Was it when the sum of our words added up to nothing,
the idea of one better than the other self?

When did that wave we rode split in two,
marooning us here alone, both worlds apart?
Was it when routine took our one flesh,
leaving us with nothing
but the parts?"

Hi smerdyakov, I hope you don't mind but I've suggested some repunctuation - all those question marks at line ends wern't really necessary as some of the lines could be combined into single sentence questions. I've also suggested a modification of S2 L3 to echo and reinforce the image of marriage/partnership on the rocks. I did wonder if 'bones' wouldn't be better as the last word, as it would be more in keeping with the metaphor, but I prefer the sound of your 'parts'.

Good poem this.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Certainly there is emotion behind this one, no question. The images, while not abstract, could use a few more details. I've noticed that you haven't posted much verse, so if this is an early attempt, I'd say you're on the right track. Keep trying.

Auntie

[Bar22do]

hello yakov, I like this quiet questioning and reflection. Human kindness compared to milk... yes, I like this as well. Waiting for more to discover you.

[Jack of Hearts]

Och lad,

that milky human kindness dun expired. This poem built up to a poignant conclusion rather nicely. You got some good tips fer the middle part too.







J

[smerdyakov]

Hey - thanks to everyone who commented on this. Fair play to ye!