smore pomes

[Jack of Hearts]

Yep, that ol Doc is sumthin special. Nice to exchange with you again, Bar.






J

[Bar22do]

Doc? of course, I know, I read all he writes (here at least). I meant the accent was on intrinsic and the compliment for the two of you!

[Jack of Hearts]

Toda rabah Bar.







J

[qimissung]

Love them both, Jack of Hearts, expecially the last two lines of both. The first is mellow, and both are seetly thoughtful, without delving into true melancholy. The first one, in fact, seems reverent to me, and the second, sweetly, abruptly, thought-provoking.

[Bar22do]

Toda rabah Bar.
J

b'simha, "Lev Ya'akobi"!

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks qi! Was wondering where you were hiding out... maybe it's time for you to post one.





J

[AuntShecky]

THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES;

Do you feel like I do,
drifting through the shadows of pine trees?
It gets so hard to see sometimes,
the gloom of the branches,
the burstings of sunlight.

I can feel my body unwind,
it lies on the foothills
and reclines to the sea.

Yes, I lay me down.
I breathe the waves breaking.

Nice dramatic opening.
I'd change "burstings" to "bursts" which would make it structurally parallel to
gloom.

2nd strophe perfect as it is.

I've heard "I lay me down" before-- some Scottish ballad or Paul Simon?

Interesting use of the verb "breathe." It's usually intransitive, right?

PAISELY

Long ago she'd stained her blue dress paisley.
In the darkness, drinking words in, she sees
the rhymes her mother sang her coming true,

so cry into the cloth
between the stars and the moon.

Tear-shaped paisley,
the tail chasing the end
like swirls of ouroboros,
like love to make you whole again.

I'd drop the second "her" in line 3.
Period after "true."
The 2nd strophe begins a new sentence, so capitalize "so." And I take the verb "cry" to be imperative.

Had to look up "ouroboros." Then I remembered. The image works well with paisley. Didn't get the last line at all. "Like love to make you whole again." "Like love, it makes you whole again." or "like loving to make you whole again" or "I'd like (or love) to make you whole again."

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed, very much, THE LAKE TO THE LEAVES.

It resonates well within my being.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Jack of Hearts]

Wow, thanks for digging this thread up guys and reading. Kind of you to respond.
It's encouraging.





J