To Catch the Dawn

[Jack of Hearts]

Doc, it's truly a fine story. However your tinkered it worked out very well. This reader has to roll his eyes at his original response and its badly veiled agenda- to get more juice out of you. There was never anything wrong with this story, by the way.

Here's a coupla dumb items of feedback, not really worth mentioning but...

"Grazie, siniore Luigi," George said.

Was the anglicized version of his name intentional here? It seems kind of abrupt.

"Yorgo," said Grigori, "stop sitting there like a fool. Bone a bird for your father.

Forgot the end quotes on this dialog.

Anyways, a real gem.






J

[DocHeart]

Was the anglicized version of his name intentional here? It seems kind of abrupt.

Forgot the end quotes on this dialog.

J

Useful stuff. The kind of mistake that I wouldn't have noticed myself even if I read the thing a dozen times.

Sorted now

Thanks, Jack!

[Hawkman]

Written as it is, from the perspective of Yorgo the child, the story feels much more complete now. The unanswered question is contextualised and the transition from incident to aftermath no longer jars as it did. There's a typo which seems to have escaped though - "the crowd in ruptures" kind of gives the impression of a herniated crowd Raptures might be a little more appropriate; kind of nit-picky I know, but this story is so good it deserves to be perfect The only other thing which could be expressed a little more succinctly is the bit about the description of the children's football.

"Some old socks worked into a ball served as a football..."

Maybe something along the lines of: "Some old socks worked into a ruptured football kept it in shape..." might be a little neater.

Really good story Doc, well written to start with and enhanced by a good edit. A pleasure to read.

Live and be well - H

[Steven Hunley]

Doc-

While reading this again I had a thought.

Where you put: " Hear them donkeys, little brother? Now you remember this, this is special Third Reich war technology. Donkeys in helmets that put their feet down all at the same time. Really something."

You might try something like... Hear them donkeys, little brother? Now you remember this, this is new-fashioned Third Reich technology. Donkeys in helmets can learn to goose-step all at the same time. It's scientific. Really something."

Naturally it's just a suggestion. But the idea of goose-stepping donkeys wearing helmets is pretty appealing, you have to admit.

[DocHeart]

Doc-

While reading this again I had a thought.

Where you put: " Hear them donkeys, little brother? Now you remember this, this is special Third Reich war technology. Donkeys in helmets that put their feet down all at the same time. Really something."

You might try something like... Hear them donkeys, little brother? Now you remember this, this is new-fashioned Third Reich technology. Donkeys in helmets can learn to goose-step all at the same time. It's scientific. Really something."

Naturally it's just a suggestion. But the idea of goose-stepping donkeys wearing helmets is pretty appealing, you have to admit.

More than appealing. It is *compelling*.

Edit applied Thanks, Steven!