Self Pleasure

[Delta40]

The events described are obviously a metaphor for love-making, although the title suggests masturbation - so one is left reading me and you as the same person - divided between control and abandon. But the payoff is rather laconic

You changed this comment during the night! Miyako sent me a PM which more accurately grasped the meaning of the poem. But you got the title right

[Delta40]

Sure. Here you go:

When your body
is plastered against the glass
during my force of passion,
propelling through tunnels,
rocketing across bridges,
igniting zenith sparks
along my inflamed carriage;
When you peel yourself
from the screen of my energy,
steaming, rattled,
When I have been derailed,
the furnace handle still hot
and I puff, 'choo choo,'
then you can be the driver.

BTW, one final critique: can I just say how much I love the word "plastered" here? It has so many different possible meanings, most of them vividly appropriate to the context, so it's a great use of lexical (linguistic) ambiguity.

Aha! another unintentional thingymajig! You know, reading it with the punctuation change, it actually doesn't have quite the same force than when I take a pause at carriage using a fullstop, although I will grant you the comma after rattled. Thanks for taking so much trouble with this poem Morph.

[Twota]

I love it delta , missed your writings. ;D

[Delta40]

I love it delta , missed your writings. ;D

Twota! missed your presence here AND your poetry!

[MorpheusSandman]

reading it with the punctuation change, it actually doesn't have quite the same force than when I take a pause at carriage using a fullstop,

You could also consider splitting it into two stanzas after carriage but keeping the semi-colon. That would provide a bigger stop that even the period and would emphasize the two-half structure. It's up to you, of course.

[firefangled]

I wanted a cigarette after reading this and I don't smoke.

I agree with miyako that you need a stop or pause, if not a period, then a comma with a line space

Was it erotic? Are you kidding me?

[Delta40]

lol. Well the guys were so focused on colons and periods that the theme seemed to get overlooked! This is my first attempt at erotic writing.

[Jack of Hearts]

Is this the flame that sparked the recent series of sexy posts on this forum? Shame on you Delta. Everybody's oversexed again. ;-)

(For some reason the poem reminds this reader of one you wrote a long time ago about an artist who's "gonna blow his load across the sky.")






J

[Delta40]

Oh yeah. I forgot that one....

[Jerrybaldy]

Dug this one out. It's a great poem and has great feedback.

[Delta40]

Lol I forgot I have this side to me...

[virtuoso]

Morpheus re-write is par excellence! Delta, I really liked the carpe diem moment. Your passion seems paramount in the poem. Have you fully abandoned and cut all ties with the Feminist movement? Just funnin ya! An enjoyable fantasy you have woven, my friend.

[Delta40]

Lol I fancied a more realistic outlook!