Perhaps I missed this one earlier and I think you've done some editing. Anyway, I like the way it ends... with line spaces after every two line as if the narrator is gasping for breath. It is such a good visual effect enhancing the meaning of your awesome poem. Thanks for the update haunted!
I must create a system, or be enslaved by another man's. ~ William Blake
Captivity is consciousness,
So's liberty. ~ Emily Dickinson
Originally Posted by Haunted
These make for such a visceral ending!Yes, and I believe that we can feel it, too - and it isn't made of bone.
I can't
breathe
not
on my own
it’s not an inhaler
that I need
I love the ending. It's like this top level is a deception, stifling us rather than enlightening us and the last few lines are powerful indeed.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
The cotton candy motif is apt-- that's just what fiberglass insulation looks like. But everything about this verse is good. The first version is superior, methinks, but go with what your gut tells you.
Quite a metaphor Haunted!! You are never more careful where you tread so of course it works. can only but guess how this formed in your mind.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Aliengirl, thanks, I edited it more since then, it seems that I just can't get it right. Installing insulation is hard work, you know...hmm
Prince, I was agonizing over whether "broken" is enough of a hint, or whether the whole conceit worked at all, so thanks for your reassuring comment! I'm also very pleased you got the effect of the new ending.
Delta, I always find it touching that others can experience exactly what I'm trying to say, I enjoyed your comment.
Auntie, I take every comment seriously, especially yours, which is most kind. Yeeea I did overwrite the revise, didn't I? I cut it back again. Thanks for your big vote of confidence!
Jerry, I wonder the same of you, how you think up the things that you think up. I guess treading dangerously isn't such a bad thing if we can get some solid poetry out of it. Cheers.
Thank you all for the read, really really really much appreciated!!!
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Hi Haunted. I've just read the new edit and the problem verse is now almost perfect. There is a slight niggle in the last line of it though, "exposing shrapnels of lies."
Henry Shrapnel was a British artillery officer who developed an anti-personnel artillery shell in the 19th century. The word has come to describe the fragments of an exploded shell, so in context, it is a collective noun and consequently doesn't need an s. As a result, the last line isn't particularly grammatical. Better to say: "exploding shrapnel lies." this gives you a double meaning in exploding, a word which fits with shrapnel better and also has a sub meaning of exposing a lie for what it is.
I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 02-12-2012 at 06:36 AM.
wow I didn't know the history behind the word shrapnel. Perhaps it deserves it's own poem. Now that you pointed it out I realized it's yet another metaphor, it just feels busy. I made a wrong call, it's coming out!
No? auhh, I'm sure it'll grow on you.......I'm afraid that I really don't like those excessive gaps between the last few stanzas though.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
departing JFK
30,000 feet up
we can't be summoned
back to earth
ceremonially
we unbuckle
we flip up all four armrests
of the unoccupied five seat row
and descend
smooth gives way
to turbulence
visibility almost zero
I can't see beyond my arms
arched over your shoulders
bumps intensify
before long we seek refuge
in the bathroom
panting
all this and the plane
hasn't even taken off
Last edited by Haunted; 02-15-2012 at 04:29 AM.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Sounds like the N gets turned on by aeroplanes, like Awsome Wells' secretary in 1941Very convenient that the plane seemed to be empty
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 02-15-2012 at 06:40 AM.
Who's Awsome Well, secretary et al? I know, I can wiki it but a Litnetter's I'd storytelling trumps those cut and dry html pages.
You raised a good point Hawk about airliners being empty. That's just not believable.Years back there were flights with very few passengers but that probably contributed to their bankruptcy. Now they sardine as many people in. It also bugged me when I was writing this and pre-post versions had a few lines about clouds and zero visibility to suggest why they didn't see anyone. I guess I should write that back in, as well as changing "empty" to "unoccupied". I also dropped the destination of busy LA from the title so it can be any obscure place in the world. But just a little tidbit, if you pick a seat way in the back, there are moments where that part of the cabin has just a small handful of passengers, they are stuck behind front row boarders with their enormous carry-ons and reach the seats in the back much later. So flying Economy has its advantages. First Class / Business Class are right at the entrance, those rich folks have to suffer the long parade of lowly Economy Cass people. But they do get to get off first.
oh many thanks for your sharpness btw, I got carried away. I think the revise adds more credibilty to the piece now, your comment sure helped.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Hi Haunt. I think that wikiing, 'Awsome Wells' probably wouldn't do you much good - lol. I was punning on Orson Wells' name. But actually I made a mistake, I was confusing his role in Catch 22, where he played a pyscopathic general who had a voluptuous secretary. I can't remember exactly what her status was in the film, but in 1941 there was a dishy WAC who was an iceburg, though she was an iceberg only until she got near a plane. Planes turned her on.
I think the problem with your poem is that you seem to be getting to the nitty gritty right out in the open in the middle of the cabin. This stretches the suspension of disbelief a bit. If the 'turbulence' occurred while the narrator and their partner were in the bathroom it would make a bit more sense.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 02-15-2012 at 06:41 AM.
I really liked it and was slow off the mark to read it other than an every day domestic flight till I got to the end and thought 'woa! I've missed something here' So re-reading it and clicking to the real meaning was a pleasure (and a sign that I definitely need to get out more...) Great piece Haunted and always a joy to read you.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Yes, they are already flying high, in their heads anyway. The pleasure is mine to be graced by your insightful comments Delta.
"But do you really, seriously, Major Scobie," Dr. Sykes asked, "believe in hell?"
"In flames and torment?""Oh, yes, I do."
"That sort of hell wouldn't worry me," Fellowes said."Perhaps not quite that. They tell us it may be a permanent sense of loss."
"Perhaps you've never lost anything of importance," Scobie said.
Haunted, in a plane! I myself never flew in one that has five seats rows - that certainly do expand one's imagination, especially if one's traveling in the right company!!!Good to read you always!! Best to you, talented Haunted!
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