Death 1.0

[Kisenja]

Hi!

I'm new here, I just found this forum the other day and thought that it seemed like a great place to get feedback on your work and share your thoughts.

My first short story was just published in the net magazine shipwrightsreview. It's a paper that publishes stories written in english by authors who's mother tongue is another language. I'm myself from Sweden.

My story is called Death 1.0 and you'll find it here -
http://www.shipwrightsreview.com/death-10/

The genre is black humor.

Please check it out, and the others too if you'll like, and tell me what you think about it

All the best

[Delta40]

Hi Kisenja. Congratulations for getting published! We encourage members to post their story on the thread rather than a link that way, people can copy and paste extracts of the story if they are discussing particulars of it and it is much more visible for other readers to follow.

Welcome to Lit-Net Please feel free to read other stories and post your reviews.

[Kisenja]

I would have wanted to upload it here, and you're right, it's easier to comment that way.
Though I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to post it anywhere without the editors permition.

Hope you'll take the time to read it anyway. And next time I'll make sure to post it directly onto the forum instead

[smerdyakov]

Hi Katarina (Kisenja? ). Hello and welcome.
First up, you have serious creative talent! In terms of descriptive quality, this story is brilliant, and the fact that English is not your native tongue, makes it all the more so. The storyline is very peculiar and I was none the wiser when I reached the end. Ok, so a Father and daughter (a woman) are doing some kind of philosophical/scientific experiment on the feeling of death or their phobias or something along those morbid lines.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't be interested in that kind of story - I like stories to be about something, (although the dynamic between the two is well done, as is your general ability to describe scenes/create images), and I like to be able to relate to the characters. I also felt that the writer couldn't make up her mind whether the narrator was an adult or a child.

Your description is rich (to the nth degree) and the story becomes turgid in places. We get the impression of a super zealous narrator, chomping at the bit to bring us absolutely every minute detail, down to the father's inside leg measurement. That's the real criticism I would have of this - it's just to descriptive at times, for the sake of being descriptive. A bit like those stories primary school teachers love to read at the top of the class, if you get me.
If you want to post it up, I can be more specific and give examples of what I think is over-writing in places. I don't think you actually have a noun in the whole story that doesn't have at least one adjective attached to it. It's a bit like a good roast beef spoiled by just too much gravy.

As I said though, there is the hallmark of a serious writer here. There is genuine quality bursting out off the page. I enjoyed this a lot for the most part. And for someone who writes this well in English, I can only say I wish I was able to read you in your native language. Brava!
All the best. Look forward to reading more from you.

[Kisenja]

Hi Smerdyakov!
Thank you for all the great criticism and positive feedback
I think you’re right about the narrator, she’s very childish, I can get why this might be confusing for some. I guess since I myself am childish and I have friends over thirty that are even more playful than me, I didn’t find this as strange as others might. Though it’s a thin line between her being believable or not. I suppose it would be difficult to write the story this way if she was more like your ordinary thirty year old woman.

It’s funny you mention that you think it’s too descriptive at times since this is one of my main problems when writing. I will definitely go over those nouns and adjectives one more time and try to delete some

I forgot to mention that this is the first short story out of three. The second and third one is on their way. So some of the things that are a bit mysterious in this one will appear again later on.

Once again thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Getting people to read and criticize your work is the only way to get better!

[smerdyakov]

Hey, no problem at all
I might have been a tad harsh on you because the story was so good I needed to look hard to find faults, and there aren't many faults. Part of the charm of the whole thing is the narrator's exuberance, so don't excoriate your story too much. I was applying the most critical eye because I believe it's that good. And, also, I forgot to mention, big Congrats on getting published, that must be a great source of pride for you.

I hope you stick around here; I would love to read more of your work. In the meantime, feel free to dive into the community spirit and criticize other peoples' work.
You can start off with my latest story and let me know what you think. And don't pull any punches!

[Kisenja]

Hey again
I actually really appreciate that you’re being harsh, that’s the only way to learn. I will definitely stick around and I’m looking forward to reading your stories too. I guess I find them here in the short story thread somewhere?

All the best!