I could not by stealth
exact a hand of consequence.
My heart concealed in blackthorn,
hope at a distance quietly fed.
Alas what patience it requires,
how difficult to learn love's craft.
She bounded away like a startled deer,
disappearing through the thicket.
Fated to never meet,
and thus I was disappointed.
Last edited by Delta40; 01-25-2012 at 10:33 PM.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
Am I right in thinking that this in somewhat different a voice than your usual poems? More elegantly classical; and very dignified & beautiful!
I like how undramatic and plainly clothed this is, one can simply enjoy some lovely words without having to dig around for meaning.
"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."
-H.P Lovecraft
The tone of this is so lovely that it for alone one could read it. Also the lines are measured really well, so that they a sort muffled rhyme. This was really enjoyable.
Well this is certainly a new style for you Delta, and bravo for taking it on. However, I do have a couple of observations which highlight why, for me at least, it doesn't quite work.
The use of exact here does not quite fit. It has several connotations, none of which, or so it seems to me, sit well with "by stealth." To exact is to demand or to extort. These are overt acts. Better just to say obtain, I think. "A hand of consequence" would seem to mean a position of power and influence, therefore the uses of "love" and "she" pull a bit of a switcheroo on the interpretation of the poem. From seeking power we are now in love poem mode.
In S4 we also have a departure from the measured, classical style with its subordinate clauses, it feels altogether more modern, but in the next verse we return to the original style. Consequently, the overall effect is confusing, not only in style but theme. The last line doesn't follow properly either. The "and thus" is very awkard in situe. It would make more sense as: Thus fated to never meet (who/what) / I was disappointed. It might be better to replace "I was" with "we were" which would negate the need for exposition as to who or what the N never met. In fact maybe meet is not the right word either. The poem is entitled The Hunt, so some reference to catching rather than a social meeting would be more appropriate.
I like the idea behind this, but I think it needs some work.
Live and be well - H
The scenario resonates; we've all been in situations in which we're let down.
The way you arrange your lines on the "page" appeal to the eye.
My only "constructive" crit.: change the ultimate line, "Thus, I was disappointed" to "Disappointing me." Then the construction will match up stylistically with line 8.
(Making it "parallel" so to speak.)
Last edited by AuntShecky; 01-27-2012 at 04:39 PM.
Oh, I see now belatedly that the "she" I was puzzled about is a reference to your heart. And the third or fourth time that I've read this, I like it more every time.
Really lovely. LOVELY!! and graceful, Delta! I'd only ponder the necessity of the last two lines. For me, the poem is stronger without them... hope it's alright to share this observation (subjective of course! Thanks a lot for this refreshing poem! Bar
Thanks for your reviews. Prince, LunarPlexus and Catamite for your kind words
What do my other fellow poets do when they get varied advice? I also appreciate the suggestions for change from Hawk, Aunty and Bar. I must admit I get a bit confused and am inclined to just leave it as it is realising that any change is going to please some and not others but I would be interested to hear from others all the same.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
That's an interesting question & it brings in its wake whether we write for our own aesthetic pleasure and/or catharsis, or to gain the appreciation of those whose opinion we respect.Originally Posted by Delta40
If anyone's opinion comes as an appealing revelation to you, then go for it; otherwise be grateful for the advice you choose not to follow.
Wise as ever. I like it as it is.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
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