FAQs
Certain new members have recently got their fingers burnt on here so we have decided to update the LitNet FAQ page in order to ensure everyone is fully aware of how LitNet operates.
1 What is LitNet?
Lit Net is not a dating site for perspiring writers – it’s a self-help support group for aspiring writers.
2 Why should I join?
It’s FREE and you don’t have to wear a silly uniform (unless you really want to).
3 What else is so good about LitNet?
It’s less addictive than Prozac and has fewer side-effects. There is a risk of CPS* developing in those of a nervous disposition and some members suffering MBS* complain of repetitive strain injury and swollen ankles. Slight nausea has also been reported on occasion.
You are, of course, advised not to operate heavy machinery while navigating this site.
*see FAQ9
4 Are there any other benefits for being a member?
LitNet has a Loyalty scheme that is not widely publicised. Once you post more than 5000 posts you get 99% discount on Amazon (please note, offer currently only applies to FREE Kindle content)
5 So it’s a fun site?
Fun is rationed out on a strict basis. If we have too much fun Admin usually intervenes and closes the thread.
6 Can I post my Haiku on here?
No. It won’t be Haiku.
7 So am I allowed to post poetry that rhymes on here?
No – under the terms of the 2011 Gibraltar Convention on Human Rights rhyming is forbidden.
8 How do I go about choosing my avatar?
This is one of the hardest questions to answer. Some aim to attract members of the opposite sex by careful selection of a particularly attractive headshot (see my own example on the left). Others go for the shock element by choosing a more candid self-portrait. If in doubt use the picture of a well-known celebrity and pretend it’s you.
9 I’ve just posted my first ever poem on here but no one has read it or commented on it so far. What am I doing wrong?
One possibility is that you have succumbed to CPS (or Crap Poem Syndrome) and everybody is too embarrassed or discreet to point out how bad it is.
However, it might also be due to the fact that so far you have not responded to other writers’ pieces. This is a reciprocating site – the more feedback you give the more you will receive in exchange.
It’s worth pointing out that over-commenting can lead to MBS (Multiple Back Scratching) where you feel obliged to respond to every piece out of politeness. This is a self-replicating virus for which there is no known antidote other than temporary withdrawal or hypnosis. Most trained therapists recommend RSS as the path to recovery – Restraint, Selectivity and Sincerity.
10 I have just written my very first novel (I never ever wrote anything before) and it took me almost a whole weekend. Can I get proper reviews on here? And how do I get it published?
Welcome, sucker. Regrettably this site does not support self-promotion or encourage self-publication. My advice – ‘Don’t go in the water’. The smell of blood carries and you could well end up as shark bait.
11 I have an assignment/thesis that I have to hand in by tomorrow on ‘War and Peace’/Magic Realism. I don’t have time to read anything right now and I’m not very good at essays. Can someone on here please do my homework for me?
No. There is anecdotal evidence that students who get members to do their assignments for them score lower than average in their SATs.
12 Is this a friendly site?
Up to a point, but be aware that when you log in you are entering a jungle. Some of the natives are less friendly than others. Safe areas are patrolled by wardens armed with dart-guns to keep the usual suspects at bay (the Personal Poetry and Short Story Sharing forums are cordoned off) but anywhere else (Reading and Discussion for instance) and you are strictly on your own.
13 Who are the ‘usual suspects’?
You will come across certain well-established members as you navigate these pages:
AuntShecky – allegedly an American. A cross between a crusty school ma’am and a cheer-leader. She keeps us all in check but you should see her shake those pom-poms.
Bar22do – gets the award for the politest poster on LitNet ever. Fond of fancy fonts and enigmatic poems.
Biggus – who actually does not exist. The name refers to a group of illegal Albanian refugees working in a sweat-shop in Tunbridge Wells for the minimum wage. They write witty seasonal poems.
blank|verse – seldom seen in daylight. Carnivorous. Has the ability to blend into the undergrowth – once described as the ‘king of the poetry jungle’ by David Attenborough.
DarkMuse – semi-vampiric; the guardian angel of this site. Writes exquisitely but get too close and she’ll go for the jugular.
Delta40 – Queen of the Delta Blues – hence her name. Antipodean Artist of the Year 2010 and 2011. Once gave Barry Humphreys a black eye after he addressed her as ‘Possum’ at a fund-raising barbie.
Haunted – the Princess of New York City. Read enough of her poetry and she’ll break your heart.
Hawkman – ex-RAF fighter-pilot (allegedly shot down the Red Baron). Now resides in a dark and gloomy garret with two peregrine falcons and a budgerigar. Nature poetry his speciality – the voice of reason when all around are losing their heads.
He who must not be named… – egotistical writer whose work is blighted by Tourette Syndrome. Allegedly earned his degree in Literature by post from the University of Palookaville.
Hillwaker – don’t believe a word this guy writes. Still has all his own teeth and is likely to bite if you wander within range.
Jack of Hearts – or Jack the Lad. Child prodigy – writes cutting edge material in ink distilled from a mixture of Jose Cuervo and the blood of Puerto Rican virgins.
Jerrybaldy – the thinking man’s poet. A cross between Ted Hughes and Les Dawson (though with the striking good looks of neither I’m reliably informed)
MANICHAEAN – a reincarnation of Graham Greene. All his writing is sponsored by Malaysia Airlines and Gordons Gin.
MarkBastable – the patron saint of LitNet. ‘Bow at his feet all ye who pass this way.’
MystyrMystyry – the Wizard of Oz. Writes under the influence of Fosters and grilled shrimps. Has a landlord.
PrinceMyshkin – him heap wise man. Seldom seen in the wild. The coefficient of cool, calm and collected.
smerdyakov – as you might guess from the name, a boy of the broth from Ireland. Has Guinness running through his veins. Is particularly fond of words beginning with the letter ‘O’.
Steven Hunley – if Hemingway had been born 50 years later he would probably have ended up playing bass guitar in the Grateful Dead and writing like this guy. Regularly binges on spinach.
WolfLarsen – unfortunately we have no information to date – awaiting latest Press Release from his agent.
14 Can I give feedback on any thread?
Yes – all except this particular one.
This thread has been generated by an automated metafiction programme that is not programmed to answer. Do not reply to this thread.
15 If I want to cancel my membership what do I do?
You have obviously failed to read the small print. LitNet is actually a cult formed by L Don Rubber in the early 1950s and members are obliged to remain members for life.
H
Any matters concerning defamation of character or libellous statements should be addressed to our Legal Department at Sodthem, Soothem & Screwthem, New Bond Street, London, UK. All calls charged at premium rate.
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Originally Posted by Varenne Rodin
