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Thread: Lokasenna's Poetry Thread

  1. #16
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Right, this is what I've been working on for a while recently - by far and away the longest poem I've ever composed, by I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. It's my first serious attempt at something quasi-Lovecraftian, so I've dedicated it to the great man himself.

    Metaphysic

    In Memoriam H. P. Lovecraft

    I have wandered the paths of the ages,
    Looking ever before and behind,
    From the time where the dawning fire rages,
    To the point where all motion’s confined,
    To the point where the Universe falters,
    And the madness oppresses my mind.

    I was there when Creation created,
    When existence began to exist,
    When the hunger of Silence was sated,
    And matter was allowed to persist,
    And I wept for the sigh of the Cosmos,
    For the impulse I could never resist.

    I saw the void of infinity loom,
    And perceived the great ocean of dust,
    Where I beheld the first stars in their bloom,
    And the planets a-forging their crust,
    And I fled to the comforting darkness,
    To think only on that which I must.

    I had plunged through primordial ocean,
    To outrun the corruptible air;
    In the storm of that terrible motion,
    And transfixed by the ominous glare,
    There I salted the seas with my grieving,
    As my being was wracked with despair.

    In the cleft of a newly torn chasm,
    In the bowels of the cavernous deep,
    I saw sentient slime start to spasm,
    Start to slobber, and gibber, and creep,
    And like one in the throes of a nightmare,
    I hoped only that I was asleep.

    Oh, the weight of the eons oppressed me,
    While the waters bestirred with new life,
    And the long flow of time had possessed me,
    When the land first played host to the strife;
    I was old beyond all understanding,
    When the young wars of humans were rife.

    I was there when the bold Alexander,
    Sought to march with his armies on hell,
    I was there when an Empire much grander,
    Held a third of the world in its spell,
    But the worst thing of all I remember,
    Is the day that humanity fell.

    I have crept through the desolate city,
    Through the silent and shadowy span,
    Where my horror and joy fought with pity,
    As I looked on the ruin of man,
    And my hate for the Universe bubbled,
    So I turned from the tomb, and I ran.

    I have lingered on mountainous ranges,
    I have skulked in the valleys of fear,
    I have watched how the Universe changes,
    How the radiance grows grim and drear,
    And I plead and I beg to the ether,
    For an end that can never come near.

    I have wandered the paths of the ages,
    Looking ever before and behind,
    From the time where the dawning fire rages,
    To the point where all motion’s confined,
    To the point where the Universe falters,
    And the madness oppresses my mind.

    For the galaxies stop in their reeling,
    As the pulse of Creation grows slow,
    For the tomb of infinity’s sealing,
    At the end of eternity’s flow;
    Though the dust will disperse into darkness,
    I can never forget what I know.

    And my longing for nothingness haunts me,
    Since I saw luminescence ascend,
    Yet the hard dream of matter still taunts me,
    Though I have felt the darkness descend,
    And I rant and I rave at the Silence,
    Until the end of time without end.


    Hope you enjoyed it! As always, constructive criticism is extremely welcome!
    Last edited by Lokasenna; 06-20-2011 at 07:22 AM. Reason: Poetic suggestions
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  2. #17
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    Fitting for Lovecraft and undeniable skill in composition. Sadly, that's this reader knowledge of poetry exhausted- in lieu of constructive criticism, please accept mundane appreciation.






    J

  3. #18
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    You've pulled it off - Lovecraftian indeed... and managed to handle metre and rhyme like a true master.

    Stanza 3 could probably benefit from a little rewrite - lines 1 and 3 stumble rather awkwardly and stick out when compared with the remainder of the poem as requiring attention.

    Similarly, the opening line of stanza 5 is a syllable too long unless one pronounces 'within' monosyllabically - but that one's easily remedied.

    Other than these minor grumbles it's a great piece of writing. Worth the effort of an eldricht imagination I would say.

    H

  4. #19
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Thanks Jack!

    Ah, Hillwalker, I'm very pleased - you've put your finger on the lines that were most concerning me.

    Similarly, the opening line of stanza 5 is a syllable too long unless one pronounces 'within' monosyllabically - but that one's easily remedied.
    The original line I drafted was simply "In the cleft of a newly torn chasm". This, however, lead to a debate with a friend, who said that it was one syllable too short - it depends on whether you think 'chasm' is one syllable or two. He convinced me to change, but now I'm minded to change it back. The same goes for the word 'there' in the 'spasm' line that follows it.

    Stanza 3 could probably benefit from a little rewrite - lines 1 and 3 stumble rather awkwardly and stick out when compared with the remainder of the poem as requiring attention.
    Yes, I'm not too happy with those lines - particularly the first. I'll have a tinker.
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  5. #20
    Registered User tailor STATELY's Avatar
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    Morose in tone. Skillfully crafted. Enjoyed very much.

    Sincerely,
    tailor STATELY
    tailor

    who am I but a stitch in time
    what if I were to bare my soul
    would you see me origami

    7-8-2015

  6. #21
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Thanks tailor STATELY!

    Also, I've now edited the poem with Hillwalker's suggestions in mind, though I've decided to keep the line about stars blooming the same.
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  7. #22
    Still, on a chalk plateau Bar22do's Avatar
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    Am not qualified to critique, I'm afraid, but have admired and enjoyed your serious work in which I feel so much talent and dedication. Wonderful poem, in my opinion. I'm impressed. Thank you, Bar

  8. #23
    riding a cosmic vortex MystyrMystyry's Avatar
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    Cool Loki

  9. #24
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    As far as "constructive criticism" is concerned, what strikes me most about your work is your willingness to "tackle" big subjects, quite admirable to see in a young poet, especially in an age obsessed with omphaloskepsis.

    I found the piece about the Cathedral (#12) to be quite effective, and it's the most effective where it is the most
    specific. If you get a chance, read the Marianne Moore poem, "The Steeple-Jack."and compare her description of the church top to yours.

    I don't know enough about Lovecraft to see the parallels between his work and your tribute to him. I like the lofty language, but as I've said to many others before, try to avoid abstractions and be as specific as you possibly can, avoiding all the way, clichés such as "the end of time," etc.

    Okay?
    Looking forward to reading more, as your work shows much
    promise!

  10. #25
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Thanks Bar and MM!

    Also, thank you for the advice Aunty! I will go and read the poem you've suggested.

    As for clichés, I had hoped that they weren't to bad. As for the 'end of time', I'd hoped that I'd defeated it by appending the 'without end' - the purpose of which was to undermine the familiar phrase.
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  11. #26
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    Come on now. Time for more poetry already.





    J

  12. #27
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack of Hearts View Post
    Come on now. Time for more poetry already.





    J
    Thanks Jack! I have one brewing, but it'll be a little while before it's ready...
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  13. #28
    Card-carrying Medievalist Lokasenna's Avatar
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    I may be making a mistake posting this, but here it goes...

    I decided, as a poetic exercise, to compose a bawdy, double-entendre filled rural folky drinking song, a sort of modern day equivalent of the Middle English lyric I have a gentil ****. I ran through an earlier draft of this at a party a while ago, and I can say that it benefits from a smoky atmosphere, a party spirit, liberal alcohol, and banjo accompaniment. Like all good drinking songs, it should be roared out at the top of your voice, and should accompany suggestive hand gestures.

    For the benefits of the moderators, this a song about a farmer who is very proud of his much-respected rooster. Honest. (Actually, in all seriousness, if you think it is too risqué, then please accept my apologies and remove it if you think it necessary).

    I have a very mighty ****

    I have a very mighty ****,
    The best you e’er did see,
    For he’s the king of all the flock,
    And he belongs to me!

    His head is of the deepest red,
    His body dark and proud,
    By instinct only is he lead,
    And often is he loud!

    He rises by the dawning sun,
    He rises in the night,
    All day he struts to seek his fun,
    And gives me no respite!

    My wife holds him the best of cocks,
    And she loves to pet him,
    For he’ll stand tall atop some rocks,
    Crowing if she let him!

    His nature is to often roam,
    And seek his sport or play,
    Quite often when the wife is home,
    But more when she’s away!

    The pretty maidens in the town,
    Show him admiration,
    When they’re around he isn’t down,
    He’s in expectation!

    My brother’s wife is extra keen,
    He cheers her up no end,
    A better one she’s never seen,
    She calls him her best friend!

    There’s lovely Lizzie from the mill,
    Who loves him most of all,
    Who’ll laugh and pet him by the rill,
    When he is rearing tall!

    Another friend is busty Bess,
    She’s the baker’s daughter,
    With her he often makes a mess,
    But much joy has brought her!

    But best of all is naughty Nance,
    She of manner mellow,
    Her smile provokes a happy dance,
    from the eager fellow!

    Oh yes, I have a social ****,
    Who gads about the town,
    He’s friends with all in dress or smock,
    But makes the husbands frown!

    To ladies he is such a gem,
    He takes away their gloom,
    Many a night is he with them,
    And lodges in their room!
    "I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche

  14. #29
    Amazingly endowed talent!

  15. #30
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    And a wizard's staff has a knob on the end

    Great fun Loki.

    Live and be well - H

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