So I thought -- rather than making the place untidy with poems strewn here and there, I'd keep them all in one thread. Ain't I quite the environmentalist?
I always appreciate your feedback, positive and negative. The latter, in fact, helps me improve and stops my head from getting too big - so I won't need a new hat. But please don't forget to mention which poem you are referring too.
Good health to all.
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
City
On windy days
Dirty vapours fly
Across the unmanageable
Rooftops of injustice.
And drowning basements
Churn out deathly concern
Over payments in arrears
When it rains.
And I, who
Yet has to taste real lack,
Yet has to starve,
Shed tears for love
Ache for female flesh.
A time will come
And lessons will be learnt
About important things
About oxygen
And water.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
This is an exciting new direction for your poetry. Hopefully you pack this thread to the brim.
The first poem, City, must be named for Athens. A poignant piece that comes along at a time when the world media is describing Greece as 'lost.' And even in the shadow of the possibility of dire need and ruin, the narrator still feels the need for things perhaps not directly necessary for survival.
It reminds this reader of that old line of thought; food, water, shelter to survive but love to live.
J
I like the imagery of the rooftops and the financial crisis Doc. Nicely framed. I thought the 3rd stanza unfinished but maybe that was your intention?
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
My dear Jack,
Thank you for your feedback on "City". Some months ago I thought we were doomed, but there was time. Now doom seems ever so much closer. Uncertain times ahead. But you know, uncertainty can be a great muse
Delta,
Very glad you enjoyed "City". I didn't mean for the third stanza to sound unfinished, but I can see that it does now that you've mentioned it. But such are thoughts regarding this situation -- rough around the edges and ill-defined. These days coherence is attempted, but only introspective mumbling is most likely what comes out.
Good health,
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
The words I fear most
The words I fear most
Are not
Cancer
Rejected
Collision
Destitute
Uncovered
Cirrhosis
Cuckold
Famine
The words I fear most
Are
You ran out of time
You couldn't make time count
It raced by you like a mouse
In front of the nose
Of an overweight drowsy cat
And now I don't trust you
And you can't have more time
Not even if you love me
Not even if you deserve it
These words
Told when least expected
Create the loudest of voids
Paint the beer cans on the desk
With congealing resignation
With smoky whiteness
That blinds.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
DocLove- Physician, heal thyself. If this reader had a gin and tonic on hand he'd be numbing himself in honor of the heartbreak you describe here. At first, it seemed to be an angsty statement about time (that the reader empathizes with), but the truer reading seems to be about squandered time with someone else. About being left because one 'couldn't make time count.'
Cheers, Doc... at least she helped you move first.
J
Thanks, Jack. If only she could have stuck around a little longer, she might have taken my shirts out of the suitcase and ironed them, too. I guess I'm gonna have to spend the money and get some home help.Originally Posted by Jack of Hearts
Best,
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Casus Belli
Suddenly I was aware
Of the lies you cooked today;
They hit the back of my throat
Like a nosebleed.
And the rules of engagement
Changed; gone were
Patience and cupcakes
Which we recruited once
To plaster up our disputes.
Now frozen stares march
And filthy arguments
Are thrown from trenches.
Now unwashed dishes
Await hurling.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
This one was hidden away- for some reason the notification email only showed your first comment and not the poem.
We're seeing a man fall out of love here, aren't we Doc? If falling in love keeps us young, the messy second act must age us greatly.
Hopefully there'll be a rebirth poem in you somewhere down the line.
J
Hi Doc. Sorry not to have replied before but my brain's been on holiday.
City: This is an interesting poem with it's theme developed nicely as it progresses. however I have a couple of observations you might wish to consider. In S1 you start off talking about wind. Fair enough. In S2 though, you are switching the image to basements and what happens to them when it rains. You need to start this stanza with the last line, otherwise the reader is left wondering why the wind drowns basements. I would also suggest changing out for with after churn.
"When it rains,
drowning basements
churn with deathly concern
over payments in arrears."
S3 has problems with grammar and syntax.
And I, who
have yet to taste real lack,
have yet to starve,
shed tears for love
and ache for female flesh."
but I'm not sure about "taste real lack" and "starve," as it reads as borderline tautology. Would:
"have yet to know real want,
have yet to starve,"
be better?
The last stanza also could do with a tiny tweak.
"A time will come
when lessons will be learned
About important things,
like oxygen
and water."
I think like this it's a winner.
I like the idea behind "The Words I Fear Most"
But I think making the first stanza a list of words you don't fear is a mistake, especially as you include rejected and the rest of the poem from S2 is about rejection. So you have a list vs a diatribe. I'd go straight in at S2 then you've got a winner.
Casus Belli:
Love that opening stanza, really punchy. Great simile and metaphor.
Keep the punch going though. I'd edit S2 by cutting the odd word:
"The rules of engagement Changed.
Gone were patience and cupcakes,
once recruited
to plaster our disputes.
"Now frozen stares march
And filthy arguments
Are thrown from trenches.
Now unwashed dishes
Await hurling."
S3 is a bit tangled from that first line Frozen stares march? how can they march if they're frozen? a diferent metaphor might be more appropriate. You're creating battlefield imagery so perhaps hiding/taking cover behind frozen stares would be more appropriate, and maybe you don't really need the repetition of now.
"Now we hide behind frozen stares,
and filthy arguments
are thrown from trenches,
where unwashed dishes
await hurling."
Great depiction of a failing relationship though.
I enjoyed reading all three and my suggestions are just that.
Live and be well - H
Last edited by Hawkman; 11-13-2011 at 06:30 AM.
Really dig some of Hawk's points. But for this reader, what's really making these pieces work is the intimacy in them. At their best moments, they're about what one man's struggling through- it's ironic that its in this way they relate to all of us best.
J
Thanks guys, and especially thanks Hawk for your critique.
I truly do take things on board. Writing is not my main occupation, but it's something I love -- I'd like us to elaborate on one of the points you make, only because I like thinking of myself as a stickler when it comes to grammar.
S3 has problems with grammar and syntax.
And I, who
have yet to taste real lack,
have yet to starve,
shed tears for love
and ache for female flesh."
Should "have" be "has" even in within the non-defining relative clause? How did the song go? Was it "I, who have nothing" or "I, who has nothing"? Your input appreciated.
By the way, I'm in Milan on day-job business. The ancient yellow tram that makes an inexplicably tremendous noise as it passes by the street below my hotel room has inspired a short story. Once again, it's been months since the last one. I will sincerely appreciate everyone's feedback on that one too, once it's posted.
Good health,
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
Hi Doc. When in doubt read it without the insurgent who and you will clearly see how it should be. eg: "I have yet to taste..." compared with "I has yet to taste..." do you see what I mean? He has, She has, I have, You have, They have, We have etc.
Live and be well - H
Trieste
Shoes off at last, sprawled next to
Caringly chilled ribolla
I stare at over-inflated hotel pillows
And ponder streets: convoluted,
Narrowing, steep curls of asphalt
That lead to the tear-like lights
Of Via This and Piazza The Other.
In these places, like everywhere,
Boys get lucky and look
For emergency condoms;
Like everywhere, old people die.
Young people die, too.
It's just within different walls
Or under different bridges.
Here kids learn different stories
To mine; I had the Turks
They had the oafs from Hasburg
To give them nightmares of invasion.
They and I were equally scared
Of mothers raped; fathers decapitated.
Sure, I deem their wine superior.
In stainless steel caskets it ferments -
It lasts for years, not ever losing crispness
Or acidity appropriateness! It gives them
Liver cancer just the same
As if they had been guzzling cheap retsina.
And if the milk is frothier on their cappuccinos,
They won't look any smarter for it
When a loose chip of plaque blocks
Their coronary artery
Producing a grotesque ultimate gasp.
Life didn't use to be like this;
I thought new places could beget
Different perspectives, fresh approaches.
But now they have become desperate proof
That different lives exist nowhere
Only in thought bubbles over our heads
As frozen breezes hit us
Wherever we happen
To still be standing.
Last edited by DocHeart; 11-18-2011 at 04:25 PM.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
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