We are Ten... (inspired by Wordsworth's We are Seven)

[mazHur]

We are Ten...
(inspired by Wordsworth's We are Seven)

I hate my brothers
all of them six
and sisters too
them three ticks

I hate to see them
them ugly devils
I know them well
them dirty shills

They call me mad
Haha! Nice joke!
them liars and cheats
them greedy abroke

them uncivilized rogues
them sin of my parents
''Their sighan', cantan', grace-proud faces,"
them shameless, insulting torrents

May be i am wrong
may be they are right
may be all of us
were born to fight

conflict of interest
difference of mind
we star-crossed siblings
are fatefully in bind

it's hard to escape
those hounds of them
like hydra's head
them stalk and stick and stem

Providence plays games
making rascals of men
ill- borne relatives
bad fish bad hens!!

[hillwalker]

75% of this is very good - but somehow you managed to insert one very weak line into each verse. Except for verse 7 which also has a rather weak second line, the closing lines of every stanza look as if you were trying to fit a square peg into a round hole - none of them work on any level because you have aimed for rhyme rather than tried to write something that makes sense.

As I approached the end of this I was wondering what to expect next - each closing line threatening to get worse... and that expression 'bad hens' didn't let me down.

If you can bear to be ruthless I would suggest a rewrite without the rhyme - it might encourage you to write what you really feel rather than force you to make do with second best.

H