Like You - plz criticize because i'm doing it for an University assignment

[ellieee...]

Like you

It’s like a wall, a barrier between me and the real world. I constantly pound against it but it never surrenders. It thunders and shakes but defies me. I still get around, I still function but with a barrier that makes me incompetent. My mother, now frail and constantly tired, by my side every moment of the day. She treats me like a child, but there’s no other way. Dad left because of this. He found it unbearable. He found me unbearable.

On the streets, people flee to allow me through. It’s like they think I’ll infect them. They stare deep into my eyes or shield them to avoid me. Or they try to look away but they just can’t. Disgust, sadness, sympathy is what they feel. You can see it in their eyes, in their movements. Children, they hide behind their parent’s legs, clinging to them and pointing. ‘Look mummy, look at that man. What’s wrong with him?’

What is wrong with me? I’m just like you. Just like your friend, cousin and father. At heart I’m still me, still functioning. But I have a barrier, between me and the real world. A barrier that strikes me down and doesn’t let up. But I’m still like you.

I have loved just like you, though I have never felt love in return. I’m a duty, full-time work. I know Mum feels an obligation to me. She’s embarrassed. But I don’t protest. I can’t.

I hear your giggles, I see your smirks. You judge me, I know. I’ve felt anger and hurt but now I just feel numbness. You know, you can lose your emotions if you don’t use them. They left me too just like everyone else because I’m a duty, I’m full-time work.

If you are kind, you may talk to me but I won’t reply. I’m not rude, I don’t hold a grudge, I just can’t. I just can’t. That phrase is my life. I just can’t move, I just can’t touch, I just can’t talk, I just can’t hold your hand. So you just can’t love me.

And now, as I close my eyes, I wish I could just go away, just fly into the abyss. But I know I won’t and tomorrow you’ll shield your eyes, you’ll try to look away but you will stare. You will try to be kind but I won’t feel any better. I will love you but you’ll never know because there’s a barrier between me and the real world and I just can’t break it down.

[Bluehound]

I am still trying to decide if the barrier is a real physical thing or a way of talking about a disability , but either way I find this a very moving piece.
I like it as it is, but I wonder if there could be more, maybe more of a conclusion, it feels too sad to leave the character this way.

[Trevor Guitar]

Be more literal and specific. Your abstractness is seen more as immature than 'deep' writing by a professional standard. The more specific, with real world examples, or more personal it is, the clearer it is, the more impact it will have on your audience and it is has a more mature flavor.

The 'not sure what I'm saying' or 'I will pretend I want the audience to figure it out' method is okay in your teens, and if you are a teen that's fine, but if you really want to be a fantastic writer, write down a bit, be more personal, have a stronger voice, and make sure your piece has clarity.

Hope you appreciate the review, I know most young folks mistake this sort of criticism as arrogant, but I ask you to try it out and see the kind of reaction you get from your teacher! It's valuable advice. If any other authors disagree here, who have a professional caliber at writing than take that alternate view and weight it against mine, take the best of advice you receive.

God bless, and enjoy writing!

[hillwalker]

I have to agree with Trevor - without a signpost the reader is left unsure how to react.

Is it leprosy? Is is a physical disability such as muscular distrophy? Or is is some psychological affliction?

Giving the game away won't lessen the impact - but unless we know a little more about the narrator it's difficult to empathise fully.

H

[ellieee...]

hi all that replied,

thank-you, thank-you, thank-you so much! i am a teen but i very much appreciate the more mature criticism. i will take all into account and try to change it to suit better.

thank-you again,
ellie

[Trevor Guitar]

Ellie you are off to a good start. Your sentences are very clear and well formed. Clarity is very important and your text is at least focused after a sense. Just give it that little bit more gravity and clarity of situation as the previous poster has said, and you will make this a solid piece of writing.