Tip 29 - Never cast pearls before swine. Rather show them pearls, then put pearls back in your pocket, and you'll have pearls to show to other swine.
Tip 29 - Never cast pearls before swine. Rather show them pearls, then put pearls back in your pocket, and you'll have pearls to show to other swine.
Tip 30: Always say no in an elaborate and potentially comic phrase as this allows you time to consider, negate or backtrack according to the reaction of the asker.
I use definaaaaaaaaately nooooooo - yes! (when the face turns to thunder).
Last edited by Paulclem; 08-31-2011 at 05:27 PM.
Tip 31: When stealing cake, cut thin slices from either side of an already cut slice. Alternatively cut off a chunk from the bottom, making sure that the cake remains level.
The side-slice works with pie too, but not the bottom cut.
Tip 32: When drinking coke, take a very long swig, and then belch loudly and fruitily if you need to (you will). If anyone questions this just say that it was never like that in the adverts.
I used to do this at work and ended up in my own office.
Tip 33: If you are suffering from gas in an embarrassing place - like a girlfriends, at the in-laws or with stern elderly relatives - offer to do the vacuuming. The vacuum will cover any unfortunate noises, and the filters will remove the stench - particularly if you move backwards as you vacuum.
(if stench remains, then you can always claim the bag needs changing).
Tip #34: When being harassed by tenacious street vendors in a foreign country, the best way to disperse them is to crazily shout random things from the local phrase-book: "I like prawns! The townhall is purple! My trousers have a headache!" They will never bother you again.
This works, believe me. I speak from experience.
"I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche
Tip 35 - When you put drinks in the freezer for a while just to get that extra bit of chill, don't forget to take them out.
As I've just done.
Been there
Tip 36 - Always laugh at the bad news - it's only tomorrow's daft history
That funny Jocky gave me 6 tips in the art of survival that I have copied onto an index card, and have served me well. Here is the first one:
Tip 37: When the pressure really mounts disappear for a few weeks.
I haven't needed to leave for weeks yet, but I remember that I can leave for a couple of days, or however long I need to, and come back.
And Neely's tip 35... I need to remember every day!
That's a good one, Vonny. Actually, they all are.
Tip 38-Get physical, often.
Tip 39-Drink wine, often (unless you prefer hard liquor or beer, then drink that (unless you're an alcoholic, then get drunk on poetry or virtue as you wish)).
Tip 40-Celebrate, often (see tips 38-39).
Last edited by qimissung; 09-01-2011 at 08:41 PM.
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its' own reason for existing." ~ Albert Einstein
"Remember, no matter where you go, there you are." Buckaroo Bonzai "Some people say I done alright for a girl." Melanie Safka
Those seem kind of funny coming from you qimissung, tips 38 - 40. I feel better about myself now!
Great tips! I think we have got 100 in us over time.
Tip 41 - When pouring milk into your coffee check that it's not off first.
That happened to me this morning. Fortunately I had enough brewed coffee left and another carton of milk so it didn't end in total disaster. I could have been very bad though.
Shamelessly stolen from Blackadder:
Tip #42: When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.
"I should only believe in a God that would know how to dance. And when I saw my devil, I found him serious, thorough, profound, solemn: he was the spirit of gravity- through him all things fall. Not by wrath, but by laughter, do we slay. Come, let us slay the spirit of gravity!" - Nietzsche
The last line of the old rugby song 'Four and Twenty Virgins' springs to mind but I will refrain from writing it in order not to embarrass tender feminine ears.
EDIT: I have just discovered that there are numerous versions of the song, some of then childishly crude, so mine is as follows:
Tip# 43: 'Never let your ******** dangle in the dust.'
Last edited by Emil Miller; 09-01-2011 at 05:42 AM.
"L'art de la statistique est de tirer des conclusions erronèes a partir de chiffres exacts." Napoléon Bonaparte.
"Je crois que beaucoup de gens sont dans cet état d’esprit: au fond, ils ne sentent pas concernés par l’Histoire. Mais pourtant, de temps à autre, l’Histoire pose sa main sur eux." Michel Houellebecq.
Tip #44: There are very few problems in life that can't be solved by opening a bottle of wine or calling a cab.
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