In darkness,
hands near the flames,
he says not fast, we stoke
a slow burn for embers
in the morning,
warmth another night.
Sixteen years later,
I wake up in time
to tell him that
I understand.
In darkness,
hands near the flames,
he says not fast, we stoke
a slow burn for embers
in the morning,
warmth another night.
Sixteen years later,
I wake up in time
to tell him that
I understand.
Hi Jack.
I really like the pace and enigmatic message of this poem. If I read it right I feel you kind of wrote yourself into a bit of a corner though. I can see that that you wanted to use slow for "slow burn" which meant that you wouldn't want to use slowly in line 3.
The trouble is, "he says not fast," reads a bit oddly. A comma after "he says" would help a bit. However, I'm not actually convinced it's necessary to say it at all. I would be inclined to replace, "he says not fast" with just the word gently.
"In darkness,
hands near the flames,
gently, we stoke
a slow burn for embers
in the morning,
warmth another night.
Sixteen years later,
I wake up in time
to tell him that
I understand. "
Anyway, I think it's a great poem.
Live and be well - H
This poem is all about the slow burn of wisdom passed down father to son... you tell it so well.
H
so subtle.
I like it. ;D
Thanks as ever for your Hawk-eye. When this reader goes over your feedback, he tries to get the essence of it (sharp observation and analysis) involved into his creative process. It's a balancing act...
Thanks hill. The poem may not 'work' all that well but there's a fear of stagnation, hence trying new things.
ucello- thanks for reading. Hopefully you didn't find it too vague.
And Twota, thanks so much for the continued support. Thanks for reading all these poems.
J
A very good piece, especially the first stanza -- which could have very well stood on its own. It would be half the message, but still a pithy and valuable one.
Kind regards,
DH
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine...
A slow burning fire. Sock Puppet believes the passing down of wisdom takes time but this was rather enigmatic and like the others, this puppet was puzzled over L3.
Before sunlight can shine through a window, the blinds must be raised - American Proverb
lost in simplicity- well done.
Thanks Doc.
... And you too, Queen Kookaburra.
jersea, thanks for reading. Your input has been missed...
J
Thanks, I have tried to stay off the boards, because I have been a bit juvenile towards a handful of posters. I'll attempt to be more affable and polite.
Enigmatic, yes, but only in the way that some things are too deep for words. This reader enjoyed it very much, especisally for the economy of it.
Thanks PrinceMyshkin. Part of it was intended to be a prayer of gratitude- many good years could've been lost. That seems a common story, anyways.
J
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