The Pendulum And The Swing

[Twota]

I am finally back home
after twenty years far away,
I open the wrecked door
and walk in with careful steps.
It looks like the grey ruins
of a small ancient castle,
conquered by the powerful time
and eight legged insects.


The new owners spread their webs
everywhere, too thick like silk,
they seem to be very hostile
for they trapped and ate, all visitors.
I make my way through their traps,
and now I am in the living room,
playful memories start to condense,
i can see my young-self in every corner..


Turning around quietly and slowly
rewinding my long life's tape,
but i stop at a very special memory,
my parents and I, my birthday,
they asked me to make a wish
before blowing the six candles,
I wished to grow old faster,
blew them , and all went dark.


The presents i got that day
were the thing that made it special,
an archaic pendulum clock and a tree swing,
i used to fly forward and backward
just like the clock's pendulum.
I look at the wall and through the window,
both standing still now - dead,
just like my parents, just memories.


Looking around, i see a dusty mirror,
it's reflection disturbed the memories flow,
a bald fat man staring at me,
he can't be that boy in my memory.
Many things changed and the mirror
successfully reflected all,
but one thing it can never show,
one thing didn't change- my soul.


I cry and make a desperate wish
to be young again for one day...
The wind blows and i dry my eyes,
i stare at the mirror in surprise,
my young-self is smiling at me,
i look at the clock, the pendulum is swinging,
i look through the window and run out in haste,
i know what i need, no time to waste- 24 hours left.

[Twota]

Nuuu, don't bury it with 0 feedback, anyone? D=

[yuka]

An enjoyable reading, but more simplified will be better

[Twota]

Oh hmm thank you ;D more simplified then ;D

[hillwalker]

It's more like an idea for a horror story than something that actually might have happened to YOU - which is why I had difficulty with this.

And it could certainly do with some trimming - unless you decide to reformat it as a short story in which case it needs fleshing out.

As it stands it's much too prosey for a poem - but too flimsy for a short story. Interesting ideas - but a bit of a mish-mash.

H

[Twota]

hmmm , i see .. guess i suck at long ones i can't find a way of trimming it cuz i think all given details are important so i ll just let it be and try to improve my next ones =D thanks hill =]

[Delta40]

I like the humaness of this poem. You have painted the past with child/adult horror. Wanting to be big once, now yearning to be small. I think this is one of your best so far.

[hillwalker]

i can't find a way of trimming it cuz i think all given details are important

'important' to you, maybe - but not to the reader. For instance, why is the fact that you were away 20 years relevant to anyone reading this poem?

Sometimes when you write a longer piece you include several ideas that help build the story - allowing you keep to the correct sequence of events as they happen.

But once the poem or story's completed you'll find that a lot of the trivial detail that went into its construction is no longer needed. A bit like building a house - or a boat - once it's done you remove the scaffolding because it has served its purpose and is no longer needed.

That's where knowing what to take out is as important as knowing what to put in. You will find it painful to be so ruthless in removing lines you have sweated over - but if they don't add to the story or help it move on they're not earning their keep.

H

[Twota]

thanks alot Delta =D

i ll ruthless for sure if that's what it takes thanks hill x]]]

[beautiful_heart]

Nice poem. Your emotions, feelings were expressed honestly and also the truth of everybody's life. Childhood is really a beautiful phase of life which we dont realise as a child but when we lost it then we regret it. :-(

[Twota]

Yah it's pathetic :/ and glad you like it ;]