Short story...need feedback on work so far

[lezboyd]

But before I paste it here though, this is my first post on these forums. I am from India, English is not my first language, and I am not trained in English literature. Writing has been a hobby of mine since I was little and I am finally comfortable enough to share it and get feedback. This is my first attempt to do so.

So, without further ado, here we go. It is a short story, and a work in progress, but I like to get your feedback on it so far. This is the first draft, and I not entirely proof-read it, but I am sure it is not too atrocious to be unreadable.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...thkey=CN2nuKYM

Thanks to all those who took time to read it!

[hillwalker]

First of all, posting links rarely gets any response. If you want us to read your work then cut and paste it in here.

I actually did read the story (as far as it goes) and have a few observations :

The prologue was arresting - it grabbed my attention. I'm curious why you repeated it word for word later in the story.

The telephone call from the father-in-law didn't ring true. Why would the narrator suddenly rush home because his wife was cooking some special rice dish after making it clear he needed to know what the panic was?

The family discussion between narrator, father-in-law and brother-in-law was even more unrealistic. They appeared to be talking in circles - and the constant reference to the patriarch became tiresome.

I'm also uncertain what the <insert scenario> segments were meant to be unless you are planning on adding more background.

As far as it goes it's a little intriguing, but few readers will have the patience to read so much pointless dialogue where nothing seems to be actually happening. I'm still no wiser what was on the video. You need to trim this by at least 25% and 'cut to the chase'

H

[lezboyd]

Thanks for taking the time to read it and providing your feedback. I'll take the points into consideration. I was also beginning to feel it was getting too drawn out. Need to make it snappier, and cut to the chase, as you rightly say.

[lezboyd]

OK, made some changes, new version is here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...thkey=CIuK9rwM

...and here:

Steady As We Go

12 ‎June ‎2011

Prologue

It had started out as such a great day. Of all the thoughts his brain, his instincts were trying to make him think, this is the one that kept on surfacing again and again. He felt something wet trickle down his hand and noticed that the glass of fruit beverage he was holding had spilled a bit. He took a deep breath and put the glass on the table so that it is no more apparent than it already was that his hands were shaking. He looked around the table at his brother-in-law, his wife and then his father-in-law, all looking at him, waiting for his reaction. They had paused the video on the laptop because he had told them he had seen enough,and now they were all looking at him, like a bunch of parole officers looking at a convict, like they were expecting him to beg and plead, or rationalize and explain, or plain simple vent his frustrations regarding the 'system' on them. It had started out as such a great day. And now, he was going to have to do whatever he had to, knowing fully well that things will never be the same from this point on.

Chapter-1

He came back to the apartment early. It was going to be such a great event today. He had already announced it on twitter, facebook and the blog itself, and the responses and comments were flooding in. He had finally found the CDs with the scans that were now so rare after the site responsible for them had shut down a decade or so ago. Neroscan it was called, and they scanned the most awesome images of magazines and corporate calendars featuring nude models and actresses. He was going to be the one who was going to reintroduce them back into the world. Sure, they would be floating around somewhere in the endless confines of the world wide web, but he was the one who was going to publish them again, little by little, in an orderly fashion. His blog would finally have the chance to multiply its viewership many-fold.

He inserted one of the CDs in the laptop and started browsing for the Pirelli Calendar of 1999. That was going to be the first entry. He had not dared to copy the images to his hard drive in case someone hacked in and stole his collection. If someone was going to get to his collection, it was going to be little by little, as and when he published them on his blog. He was not going to hold anything back, but he was going to share it on his terms.

The buzz of his cell-phone broke into his thoughts and his work. Slightly irritated, he glanced at the caller id, and frowned. 'Suchi, hon, not a very good time to...'

'I know this is your me-time and all, darling, but dad and Avi are here. They, er, kind of came unannounced. They say they have something they want to show you.'

'Damn it! You know what it is? I really don't want to come over if I don't have to.'

'I know, but I don't think we have a choice. They, um, won't tell me what it is. They...they say it is for your eyes only'.

'My eyes only? When did they join the CBI**!?' No response. 'Wow, what have they done to my wife's sense of humor!?

Suchi laughed nervously at the other end, almost as if surprised into doing so. 'I...I am..'

'Its fine,dear. But you don't find this unusual? They never come over just like that, and this whole surprise thing is not their style either.' He paused waiting for a reply, but none came. 'Hon...?'

'Yes....yes, I am here. Just come over, please.'

'Sure babe, be there in 10, ok?'

'OK.'

He sat there looking at the phone for a moment. Something didn't seem right. At last he shrugged and reached for the laptop. So much for the big event! Should have known things never go as planned.

During the drive home, he kept thinking about that strange phone call. One, Suchi was uncharacteristically nervous. So what if her dad and brother came over suddenly? That would have flustered her a bit but not to the extent he witnessed on the phone. They were family after all. Secondly, Suchi was not a fan of surprises. She would have normally rained questions on them, demanded to see what they had bought before she even dreamed of calling him. Third, there was the issue of the visitors themselves. Dad and Avi showing up unannounced with a surprise for him? Avi, especially? And without occasion? Something smelled. Only, for the life of him, he did not know what.

After a while, he gave up. He would cross that bridge when he gets there. He tuned in to the rock station, and smiled immediately when it was Jefferson Airplane's 'White Rabbit'. Very few things had gone wrong in the past few months, and nothing that would warrant a family meeting. Even relations with Avi had been fine...well, at least the conversations were civil. Must be something that happened on her side of the family, something they need help with. 'Lets cross the bridge when we get there.', he said aloud, and started to sing along with the song.

** CBI = Central Bureau of Intelligence, India's equivalent to the CIA.

Chapter-2

'Enough!', he waved his hand dismissively as he stiffened in his chair. His grip on the glass of fruit beverage got tighter. He felt like someone had muted all the sound around him. The only thing he could hear was his own breath that sounded like it came from his head rather than his lungs. His skin felt as if hit by a current of icy air, and his eyes had trouble focusing as things and people around him came in and went out of focus. His tongue felt like lead. So this is how it feels to have your world turned upside down. It looks so cool in the movies, huh, but not that great when it is happening to you. He looked around the room trying to find something to focus on before he passed out. How can this be happening? How could she do this to me? After all the things we have been through, why now?

His eyes darted from object to object trying to make sense of the world around him. He saw his wife getting increasingly anxious and her brother moving to a chair next to her to comfort her. Behind the vacated chair was a picture of his late mother, the only family he ever had before he married. He forced his eyes to focus on her. He always had her to turn to when he wanted help. Not that she would help or wanted to help. No. Her attention was always elsewhere. But who else was there? Looking at that picture brought back a flood of memories and emotions. The strongest among them was betrayal, and manipulation. Not again...Never again. Love will not hold me back this time.

'Enough!', he said again, as his world started coming back into focus. The picture of his mother became clearer and so did his resolve. It had started out as such a great day. He took deep breaths as he steadied himself. He looked up at the people in front of him, waiting for him to react. And he was going to react all right, knowing fully well that things will never be the same from this point on. He had to harden himself, let go of all the emotions, and take them all up, one by one...

His expressions must have betrayed him because his brother-in-law spoke up first, 'Look at him, steeling himself for a defense. What can you possibly say? You know, I always thought something was off with you....'

This must not register on an emotional level. He took a deep breath. 'Before we take this any further, I need to know one thing, and until I know it, this will not go any further...'

'You are in no position to make demands or threats...'

'I am and I will, bro. Besides, this is no threat or demand.' Those are yet to come. 'Consider this a request for information. Something to help me process what just happened, and why.'

'You think you can smart mouth your way out of this....'

'You don't even know what I am asking. Don't you think it is a bit early to be making that statement?'

'Lets try to keep things calm here, and none of us are getting carried away.', the father finally spoke. 'What is it you want to ask, son?'

Your son, I am not anymore. 'Is this an Intervention, or is this Blackmail?'

He saw the look of surprise on their faces at 'blackmail'. Avi was suddenly at a loss of words, and the father and daughter spoke up together.

'Honey, please, look at what you are saying.'....'You have taken this the wrong way, son.'

'I am not taking it in any way. Hence the question.' He paused for a while, watched the self-appointed jury exchange looks. They had not expected this. They might have expected an outrage, or begging and pleading, or even a panic attack, but not this.

He took those few moments to weigh his options. He still loved Suchi. She had been good to him. Done for him more than most had in his life. More than his mother, even. She had made him feel safe and wanted and loved. If there was a chance to salvage this, he had to take it.

'I'll tell you what? How about this?...', he turned to Suchi, who looked back at him nervous and bewildered. He wanted to take her in his arms, console her and tell her all is fine. That he is not mad, and there is no threat to their relationship. It took all his will to make him continue. 'Let us get the cameras and mics removed from the apartment, and remove whatever other stuff you guys have planted there, and destroy the CDs, and I will forget this ever took place. I promise you I will never mention this evening again as long as we both shall live. But it has to go tonight.'

Avi practically flew from his seat, starting Suchi, who began to weep. 'Who the hell do you think you are? You believe this, dad? You believe his guts? Where the hell do you get off even making that suggestion...'

'Keep your rage in your purple pants there Hulk, and let your sister answer. She is a bright young woman, and it does not take a genius to figure out that...', he held his thumb out, '...One, this is relationship suicide...', the forefinger, '...Two, you have nothing on me. In fact, I am at a loss why you even bothered to show me this...crap.'

Avi started towards him, cursing, but his father held him back. Avi was the least of his concerns at that moment. He heard the words 'Hulk Smash' in the background, but his attention was on Suchi, who strong as she was, had a very low threshold for physical violence. She was sitting on her chair, her face in her hands, weeping and shivering. It broke his heart to see her this way, but then she had kind of brought it on to herself.

It all started with the whole me-time discussion, he thought. It was her idea to each have some time allocated to their own selves that the other person stays completely out of. He could finally do what he always wanted to do, without making Suchi uncomfortable. He had loved her for it! Sure, they both had their own insecurities in the beginning; which married couple wouldn't? But they had both found their me-times to be interesting for their own selves, and healthier for the relationship. Or so he thought, at least. If she had any lingering insecurities, why did she not discuss it? Why couldn't she have just talked to him? Unless...

He shook himself out of that thought and reached out to comfort his wife. But her father beat him to it.

Work in progress...to continue...

[hillwalker]

My observations for what they’re worth:

1) The Prologue begins rather weakly -

It had started out as such a great day. Of all the thoughts his brain, his instincts were trying to make him think, this is the one that kept on surfacing again and again.

You don’t expand on why it was such a great day – so we’re immediately confused because the next thing we’re told is that he’s spilling his drink. Is that what makes it a great day? Obviously not.

If you want to inject tension right from the beginning why not open with the glass of fruit juice spilling as his hands begin to shake? The reader senses something’s wrong. Then Chapter 1 can open with what a great day it was… but all the time, the reader knows there’s something nasty around the corner.

2) Some of your descriptions are a little too gushy.

It was going to be such a great event today.
the scans that were now so rare
the most awesome images

It’s all too much, and actually has the opposite effect you were aiming for.

3) I found the dialogue a little unrealistic :

'Damn it! You know what it is? I really don't want to come over if I don't have to.'
is rather a strange reaction when he doesn’t even know what his wife's family want to show him. And of course, the sudden acquiescence to his wife’s request
'Sure babe, be there in 10, ok?'
is just as unbelieveable.
Is the main character really angry or pretending to be? I can't figure him out on the basis of this.

4) Chapter 2 is even more baffling.
Since the reader has no idea what Suchi’s father and brother have just shown the narrator the entire conversation is not only meaningless but quite boring. We don’t need an insight into the characters’ family politics – we need to know what was so urgent that this meeting was called.
Delaying giving the reader this crucial information is not creating tension – it’s pouring it down the drain.

H