Remember
The old woman sat there smiling up at me,
Confused of course,
Asking,
What is that word, remember?
To bring to mind again, not to forget,
My eyes searching hers,
Beseeching,
Those days of wonder, remember?
Turning away, reminiscing,
I look back,
Smiling,
But she's sleeping......remember?
Kneeling now before her, my head on her lap,
I place her hand on my brow,
Waiting,
Oh please, won't you please remember?
Just once more?
For me?
ampoule, May Thirtieth, TwoThousandEleven
I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.
"If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor
Would you consider deleting that last line, "For me?" It seems so much more blatant than the rest of this, where the urgent desire for the preservation or return of the memory is held within a respectful constraint.
A beautiful poem, ampoule, I'd only lose the last two lines. I believe it would strengthen the power of your work. Best from Bar
Like this, agree about the last two lines, maybe think even the line before that is a bit overstated?
Like the simplicity of the whole piece.
I rate this poem highly too, ampoule. But I have to agree, that after having used the word, 'Beseeching' in S2, the "Oh Please," at the begining of L4 in S4, with the please repeated again in the same line, followed by those two subsequent, is over egging the pudding a bit.
The picture you paint with the rest of the poem is very moving.
Live long and prosper - H
The sentiment here is very moving. But I echo the chorus that losing the last two lines makes it a better poem.
"I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult."
~E.B. White
I greatly appreciate your comments, and, I agree.
I'm in love with The Vinegar Man and Mr. Tanner, but be careful, it could just as easily be you.
"If you're going to write you better have somewhere to come from." Flannery O'Connor
We don't see you enough on the LitNet, ampoule, but I'm glad you stopped by with this piece.
I agree with the suggestions in the previous replies, but I'd like to add that the topic of your piece is timely. This past Monday was "Memorial Day" in the U.S. Though created to honor those who passed away in service to their country, for many of us, Memorial Day was the time to visit the resting places of our loved ones, whether they were military heroes or not.
So, your verse, with the speaker's remembrance of her grandmother who apparently has lost her own memory struck a bittersweet chord with yours truly.
Heartbreaking, ampoule.
A loved one with alzheimers? I agree with Auntie, you should visit more often.
For those who believe,
no explanation is necessary.
For those who do not,
none will suffice.
Oh how sad, to lose someone before they're even gone...
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