Database

[mrzebster]

The sound of typing was almost rythmic in the empty room where Charles Benton was doing what he did best. Charles was a hacker for federation003 in sector B12. His goal? To get into the database of a supercomputer named PHY-O-NA.
The security was getting more difficult to hack through as Charles delved deeper into the complex mechanized thoughts of PHY-O-NA. How long would this take? What if PHY-O-NA was truly unhackable? So many questions, so little time.
A chrome chip harvester was at Charles' side. That was only to be used in emergency cases. Charles debated using it to speed up the hacking process. Simply harvesting the data from microchips inside PHY-O-NA sounded easy enough.
Without thinking, Charles typed the settings into the chip harvester and plugged it into the main drive. Soon, he would know all of PHY-O-NA's little secrets. If she had any.
Meanwhile, PHY-O-NA had her own job to do. Her shiny reinforced plating was almost like sunlight in the shadowy corridor of federation666's F4 secton. That was part of her job. Keep it sunny. But she still had a more important matter to handle. What on earth was worming around her database? PHY-O-NA dwelled on this thought for some time before finally deciding to up her security setting.
Back at federation003's B12, Charles was dumbfounded. The chip harvester was failing as security got tigher inside PHY-O-NA's inner workings. How long would this hack war go on? Charles could only wait...and hope.

[KatnissEverdeen]

Am sorry, but I really don't understand what it is about.

[mrzebster]

It explains what it is about in the first paragraph!

[hillwalker]

It's rather dull I'm afraid. Writing about someone at a keyboard trying to hack into a supercomputer and the computer generating its own defences - the 'story' doesn't seem to have anywhere to go. And having a series of acronyms and titles like federation 3000 and sector B12 doesn't make this any more exciting.

I was also baffled by the story's opening sentence. Either the room was empty or Charles was in there - presumaby sitting on a chair in front of a desk with a pc on it,so...

H

[Delta40]

I just read the first post and I got the impression Charles was some adolescent kid using his hand held game to distract himself from insufferable boredom. Now I find he's an adult working for Federation 003 trying to take PHY-O-NA down, who previously took over the skyway train.

Heh, heh. Now I'm confused. I think you're really excited about your story to the point that as the whole plot unfolds in your mind, you can't get it down fast enough so we're really missing out on the complete picture here.

[Remi Shos]

Hi, mrzebster.

I like the idea of your intro.

I think it would be good if you talked more about Charles' goal as a hacker. Yes, his job is to get into PHY-O-NA, but why? What information is federation003 looking for? Did PHY-O-NA end up having any secrets? Who owns PHY-O-NA and what have they done to prompt this hack? Why is it that the chrome chip harvester can only be used in an emergency? (By the way, what is a chrome chip harvester?) Are there consequences for him using it? What is the climax of the story? Who wins?

I'd love to hear more.

[mrzebster]

Well remi, i will answer your question in another installment in this strange and vivid story!

[mrzebster]

Oh, and the chrome chip harvester is a fast-hack tool that extracts data from microchips on another system!

[hillwalker]

I think you're really excited about your story to the point that as the whole plot unfolds in your mind, you can't get it down fast enough.

I also get this impression - which is fine as long as you actually edit it before posting. But it's not very respectful to your readers expecting them to read stuff like this that's been transcribed straight off the top of your head onto the screen.

Most of what I've read so far appears very rushed - no signs of any story-telling craft, no coherent plot structure, no character development or worthwhile dialogue.
I get the feeling you're scribbling the lot down on-screen as it occurs to you - which is not particularly enjoyable for readers who don't know what's going on (compared to you, the writer, who supposedly knows everything). It's very haphazard and far too fragmented to capture the imagination of most readers as it stands.

***You might also care to read the forum rules - ONE new post per day (to give other writers a chance for their work to be read before it disappears off the bottom of the front page).

H