Cold Ale - The Blokes' Thread!

[Emil Miller]

Here's another fit for the blokes.

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to her house he thinks to himself hmm, I bet her daughter is hot. Then of the blue she asks him if he would like a sportsman's double. Whats that? he asks. Its a mother and daughter threesome she says. Wow yes please he says. So as they go thro` front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts.......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

[Paulclem]

It was crazy here last night....people started celebrating when there were 11 runs remaining. I could hear people rejoicing at every 4 and 6 and the moment we won they started bursting firecrackers. It was amazing! No one slept the entire night..

Initially, when Sehwag and Tendulkar got out, I lost all hope. Then there was Gambhir (poor guy got out at 97) and Dhoni and his last six was fabulous. After 28 years, we won again

Well done India. I like the place and the people, and i can imagine the celebrations.

[Emil Miller]

If it wasn't for this thread little gems like this would go to waste.

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “What was that?” And the Invisible Man said, “I don’t know but my ******* hurts like hell!”

[Big Dante]

If it wasn't for this thread little gems like this would go to waste.

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman’s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself “I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex & out again before she knew what was happening.” So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said “What was that?” And the Invisible Man said, “I don’t know but my ******* hurts like hell!”

Some of these are frightful.

Yet very enjoyable, me wants more

[Emil Miller]

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a w***er

[Emil Miller]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.
My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.
"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

[The Atheist]

After all the beautiful weather, we're finally having our first cold snap today.

Still 16 degrees here, though, but lots of single numbers down south - and that's the day's high.

Next up, the winter viruses...

Tropical island needed, apply here!

[prendrelemick]

Why is the world ordered the way it is?

Particularly the world of sport. You have the fans - rowdy and enthusiastic, who are the life blood. The participants, varying in skill, but all dedicated and imbued with a love of the game, they are the focus and the interest around who the whole industry revolves.

Then you have the administrators. The idiots in charge, (famously named as "Old farts") who constantly make stupid decisions, like restricting the next Cricket world championship to the 10 test nations.


Rugby, Football, Cricket, Athletics, Bowls, Darts, its all the same

[Big Dante]

Why is the world ordered the way it is?

Particularly the world of sport. You have the fans - rowdy and enthusiastic, who are the life blood. The participants, varying in skill, but all dedicated and imbued with a love of the game, they are the focus and the interest around who the whole industry revolves.

Then you have the administrators. The idiots in charge, (famously named as "Old farts") who constantly make stupid decisions, like restricting the next Cricket world championship to the 10 test nations.


Rugby, Football, Cricket, Athletics, Bowls, Darts, its all the same

So they did change it. It really makes no sense, it gives more excitement to the competition to watch the minows get their chance and they always pull off upsets.

[Gilliatt Gurgle]

...A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. .....
...Mum are you still awake!!!!

...Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman
...but my ******* hurts like hell!”

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
...you called that witch-doctor a w***er

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
... 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

haha
I'm beginning to see a pattern:
First a bottle of Cote du Rhone then a joke
A Brooklyn lager - joke
Theakstons old Peculiar - joke
Duvel - joke

I'd like to see what you come up with following a bottle of Night Train!


.

[Emil Miller]

Here's an item far more worthy than sport to adorn a bloke's thread.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worl...e-too-big.html

I don't know what he's complaining about, it might have been modelled on these.




P.S. Gilliatt, I've got another lined up for the Night Train.

[prendrelemick]

Here's another fit for the blokes.

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks good for her age. On the way back to her house he thinks to himself hmm, I bet her daughter is hot. Then of the blue she asks him if he would like a sportsman's double. Whats that? he asks. Its a mother and daughter threesome she says. Wow yes please he says. So as they go thro` front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts.......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

Reminds me of my naive self 30 odd years ago. I went to the then newly opened Beer Kellar in Hull, where they served Stien lager by the litre. I spent the evening dancing on the tables to the laden hosen clad Ooompa Band with this large 45 year old mustachio'd woman who was built and dressed like a lumberjack. (She claimed she was a nusery teacher.) By the end of the evening, due to a great number of lagers, she began to look attractive, so I invited her to "come outside for a bit."

"Eee you cheeky oss!" she cried, and slapped me playfully on the chest. Unfortunetly I was standing on a table wearing 3 inch platforms ...

I dont remember the ambulance ride, but I remember having my head stitched in Hull Royal Infirmary. A lucky escape I'd say.

[Emil Miller]

Reminds me of my naive self 30 odd years ago. I went to the then newly opened Beer Kellar in Hull, where they served Stien lager by the litre. I spent the evening dancing on the tables to the laden hosen clad Ooompa Band with this large 45 year old mustachio'd woman who was built and dressed like a lumberjack. (She claimed she was a nusery teacher.) By the end of the evening, due to a great number of lagers, she began to look attractive, so I invited her to "come outside for a bit."

"Eee you cheeky oss!" she cried, and slapped me playfully on the chest. Unfortunetly I was standing on a table wearing 3 inch platforms ...

I dont remember the ambulance ride, but I remember having my head stitched in Hull Royal Infirmary. A lucky escape I'd say.

Yes it's easy to get carried away (no pun intended) at such locations; I've been pretty much the same at the Munich Oktoberfest a few times but if someone gets too rowdy they have black uniformed guards to deal with it and that's where one is likely to end up with hospitalisation.
I was once in a beer hall with some German friends and some Scotsmen started throwing chairs about, there was only one guard on duty and he told us to get out. When I asked why, he said that the police were on their way and when they arrived they would deal with anyone who was there in no small measure. Having on a previous occasion shared a table with a group of off duty policemen I would have hated to be around when their colleagues turned up. Unlike our boy scouts they do things properly there.

[DocHeart]

I spent the evening dancing on the tables to the laden hosen clad Ooompa Band with this large 45 year old mustachio'd woman who was built and dressed like a lumberjack. (She claimed she was a nusery teacher.) By the end of the evening, due to a great number of lagers, she began to look attractive, so I invited her to "come outside for a bit."

God, that keeps happening to me. I mean, I've laid some good-looking women along the way, but there are more than a few occasions on which alcohol has - how does one put it - distorted my judgement. Such occasions include the incident with a waitress who was missing so many teeth she could have come out of a Bukowski novel and a short, round but stout, dumpy but muscular thing with outrageous acne and huge ears who (I later found) was in the olympic women's weight-lifting team.

[Paulclem]

Reminds me of my naive self 30 odd years ago. I went to the then newly opened Beer Kellar in Hull, where they served Stien lager by the litre. I spent the evening dancing on the tables to the laden hosen clad Ooompa Band with this large 45 year old mustachio'd woman who was built and dressed like a lumberjack. (She claimed she was a nusery teacher.) By the end of the evening, due to a great number of lagers, she began to look attractive, so I invited her to "come outside for a bit."

"Eee you cheeky oss!" she cried, and slapped me playfully on the chest. Unfortunetly I was standing on a table wearing 3 inch platforms ...

I dont remember the ambulance ride, but I remember having my head stitched in Hull Royal Infirmary. A lucky escape I'd say.

You didn't ever knock about with the Kinks did you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixqbc7X2NQY