Tell Me A Joke

[prendrelemick]

Alex Fergusson is worried that Manchester United aren't going to win the championship. So he gathers all his talent scouts and tells them to go out and find the best player in the world. "I don't care where he's from or who he is, I want the best footballer in the world, money no object."

So the scouts set out across Continents and over Oceans to the four corners of the World. A week goes by, no news. Two weeks, still no news. Then at the end of the third week the phone rings, "Boss, boss I've found him" said a crackley voice, "the best footballer in the world" Where? said Alex. "In a war zone in Afghanistan," said the scout, " a fifteen year old lad called Rashid." "Sign him, give him whatever he wants and bring him over." said Alex.

Its the last game of the season, Man U are playing Arsenal for the championship. Young Rashid beats four defenders and scores the winning goal, completeing his hatrick. He is carried from the field amidst cheering fans on the shoulders of Giggsey and Alex Fergusson himself.

Later he phones his parents to tell them of his great day. "Dad, dad I scored the winning goal and got a hatrick I'm the hero of Manchester." "Thats nice son," said his father. "We've had a terrible day, your mother was taken ill, we couldn't get a doctor, and the hospitals are full, your brother was shot at on the way to market, and your sister's school has been burned to the ground. You know son, sometimes I wish you'd never brought us to Manchester!

[Emil Miller]

Alex Fergusson is worried that Manchester United aren't going to win the championship. So he gathers all his talent scouts and tells them to go out and find the best player in the world. "I don't care where he's from or who he is, I want the best footballer in the world, money no object."

So the scouts set out across Continents and over Oceans to the four corners of the World. A week goes by, no news. Two weeks, still no news. Then at the end of the third week the phone rings, "Boss, boss I've found him" said a crackley voice, "the best footballer in the world" Where? said Alex. "In a war zone in Afghanistan," said the scout, " a fifteen year old lad called Rashid." "Sign him, give him whatever he wants and bring him over." said Alex.

Its the last game of the season, Man U are playing Arsenal for the championship. Young Rashid beats four defenders and scores the winning goal, completeing his hatrick. He is carried from the field amidst cheering fans on the shoulders of Giggsey and Alex Fergusson himself.

Later he phones his parents to tell them of his great day. "Dad, dad I scored the winning goal and got a hatrick I'm the hero of Manchester." "Thats nice son," said his father. "We've had a terrible day, your mother was taken ill, we couldn't get a doctor, and the hospitals are full, your brother was shot at on the way to market, and your sister's school has been burned to the ground. You know son, sometimes I wish you'd never brought us to Manchester!

Many a true word spoken in jest.

[Paulclem]

Good job he wasn't playing for Hull! (See Cold Ale Thread)

[Paulclem]

What kind of engagements do meditators like?

Navel.

[papayahed]

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

[MystyrMystyry]

Classic jokes!


Knock! Knock!

Who dere?

Euripides

Euripides who?

Euripides trousers, Eumenides trousers


and


Aristiotle said 'to do is to be'

Socrates said 'to be is to do'

Frank Sinatra said 'Doo bee doo bee doo bee doo'

[Emil Miller]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Olga4real]

You made me laugh prendrelemick, Emil Miller, Paulclem, papayahed and MystyrMystyry! Thank you very much! This is my favourite thread.

[Emil Miller]

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"

The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"

The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.

And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The guy asks" Eileen who?

[Emil Miller]

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and he says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down there and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" The guy says "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny?"

[Three Sparrows]

Here's one for the guys.


At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Calidore]

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she says, "Let me ask you something."

I said, "What?"

She said, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Forget it then."

-- Steven Wright

[Big Dante]

Here's one for the guys.


At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Hahaha very nice.

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she says, "Let me ask you something."

I said, "What?"

She said, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Forget it then."

-- Steven Wright

That's kind of worrying haha.

[MystyrMystyry]

Mr Dimnut walked into his local branch and ordered a slice of pizza with a hair on it

'A hair?' inquired the curious chef incredulously

'Yes' said Mr Dimnut 'A long one - the longer the better'

'Why do you want a hair on your pizza slice?'

'Because every time I haven't asked for one you've managed to slip one on anyway'

[prendrelemick]

What kind of tree is The Tree Of Life?






















Life's a beech.